Have you ever asked yourself: “Why do I keep attracting narcissists and jerks?”
Well, if you’re a smart, kind, self-reliant, successful woman with a few of the usual insecurities…then you’re safe from these guys! You are not alone. far from it. I’ll tell you why this happens and give you the power to stop it. Listen.
I have coached many women by breaking their pattern of attracting and choosing these toxic men.
Contrary to what you might think, narcissists do not pursue weak women. They are attracted to strong women who have a lot to offer. Someone like you maybe?
Think of men with narcissistic personality disorder as brokenhearted people in Prince Charming’s clothing. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Here’s how it works: Narcissists need someone nice to stroke their ego.
They want someone successful and strong to take care of them. They want someone sympathetic to meet their child-like needs. They want someone self-sufficient so they don’t have to take care of your needs. Whatever your fears (we all have some) they will take full advantage of them for their gain.
What does he get in return? The ideal alpha male is sexy, fun, charming, and intelligent. He’s funny and intense, and when you’re together, there’s never a dull moment. You will have chemistry and feel high from all his attention. For a while, anyway.
I internalized these charming and manipulative men when I was single. Like countless women who shared their stories with me, I felt broken, drained, and more insecure than ever. And I felt stupid for allowing myself to get involved in this way.
Related: 7 Troubling Signs You’re In Love With A Narcissist — And What To Do If You Are
In case you feel embarrassed or stupid to choose these people, please don’t do it. They are experts at what they do. In the words of Samuel Lopez de Victoria, Ph.D. From his PsychCentral article on the topic:
“A skilled narcissist is someone with some amazing traits. In my opinion, they can be formidable… You can also be dazzled by the power of attraction that someone mirrors you to create a deep connection. This intense connection is created when someone makes you feel like you know them For a long time or you feel safe with him at first. They have opened the door to your insides. A skilled extreme narcissist knows how to mirror your music back to you so you feel like he has a playlist of your favorite songs.
Yes, of course. Narcissists are truly formidable.
If you’re attracting narcissists, please, please read these three ways to spot them early and stop wasting your time on men who won’t appreciate you.
1. Early in any relationship, ask for what you want and see what happens.
These men have a way of appearing generous and kind. They wine and dine you. They tell you what you’re longing to hear. It’s all about you. But this is what it seems. They may take you places of your choice, but it’s still on their terms. They make all the calls.
Pay attention, and when there’s something you want, express it. Start small like mentioning an activity you’d like to do or a restaurant you’d like to try. Or you may ask him to change the appointment time or to call you at a certain time.
It’s easy to be fooled by this because narcissists can be very good givers – as long as they want to give you something. For example, he may want to spend time with his friends, but not with yours. Or he takes you where he wants to go, or he has no trouble expecting a favor from you. Ask yourself: When you’re together, does it seem like it’s more his world than yours?
The last thing a narcissist wants is someone who expects their needs to be met. So, be that person. Ask for what you want and see what it does. A good man wants to give you what you want. The narcissist wants to give you what he wants.
Related: 15 Signs Someone Has A Narcissistic Personality Disorder — And How To Understand Them
2. You need to know your must-haves and stick to them.
No matter how charming you are or how fun he is, when determining if he could be a potential partner, stay focused on the things you have to have. You want someone honest, reliable, and generous, right? You want to feel truly appreciated and respected. Does he do that or are you making excuses for your narcissistic man?
When he upsets you, does he always have a way of making it your fault in the end and making you feel wrong? Does he dismiss things you say or things you want because he claims to know better? Does he dominate the conversation and bring the topic back to him? Do you feel that he abused your kindness? Do you feel less than you do with him?
If you find that your values are being compromised, cut them off, the sooner the better. As anyone who has survived a narcissist will tell you, looking back, there were always signs they ignored and excuses they made. I suggest you look now and take action.
(Not yet clear what are must-haves for adults? Get help here.)
3. Don’t let him rush you. Insist on proceeding at your own pace.
Love bombing is an attempt to influence someone through lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. It works because it feeds our fantasy of being swept off our feet. Her charm and intensity can be intoxicating and make us feel loved and cared for. I promise this is temporary.
No matter how good you feel, it’s not healthy flirting. Love bombing has nothing to do with love. It’s about getting what he wants by playing a game he wants to win.
Keep your feet on the ground, move slowly, and let your head control your heart. When you’re being love-bombed, he’s likely a narcissist, a user, or a control freak.
Related: 8 Ways To Identify A Covert Narcissist (It’s Easier Than You Think)
So, when you suspect you’re being love-bombed, pay attention. Is it all about getting what he wants? Tell him that you need to slow down and get to know each other before making any plans or promises. Then watch; Does he show respect for your wishes? If he’s a good guy and overly enthusiastic, you’ll see him back down. The narcissist will simply continue trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.
Be firm. If he does not hear you and backs down, move away and stay away. Don’t allow yourself to fall into this romantic fantasy.
Think of narcissistic men as brokenhearted people in Prince Charming’s clothing. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. But you have the tools to discover these people so you can move forward with your heart and your self-respect. And to someone who deserves everything you are and everything you have to give.
