One comment I see often is: “I can’t believe there are people in the world who lack accountability. I can’t believe they refuse to take responsibility for what they’ve done!”
Today I offer my interpretation of this scenario.
If you Google the question: “Why do narcissists refuse to be responsible?” You will get different answers because there are generally two camps of thought. The first camp insists that everything the narcissistic personality does is because they lack self-love and are extremely ashamed. In theory, not taking responsibility for their actions prevents them from feeling the supposed pain they carry.
If you’ve watched my recent YouTube videos, you know I’ve been discussing how mainstream psychology is essentially built on outdated Freudian psychoanalytic theories. Freud worked primarily with dysfunctional individuals, not generally with those considered normal. As a result, many of his theories relate only to a certain sector of the population. In essence, Freud often formulated vague and untestable theories, especially regarding defense mechanisms, and his empirically testable theories were not widely accepted by the experimental community.
Then, you have a second group of people who believe that narcissists refuse to accept accountability for their actions because they deserve it and feel superior to others. This is the camp I belong to.
I’ve been in my fair share of narcissistic relationships, but I’ve also worked with victims of narcissistic abuse for many years. My experience training these individuals, coupled with my research into the work of FBI analysts, forensic psychology, and the Dark Triad, is why I believe that narcissists, or at least most of them, do not suffer from intense shame, low self-esteem, or Lack of self-esteem. Lack of self-love.
Seeing beyond the illusion
Let’s say you are in a relationship with a narcissist. In this case, you may have formed an emotional attachment to them and feel like you are in love based on the initial love bombing period. So it’s hard for you to believe it’s bad news because you want to think they feel the same feelings you do. You want to believe that underneath it all, they can be remorseful and sometimes regret the way they act – and they can be very convincing in that regard.
But if you strip away your feelings, look at your relationship patterns, and look at the fact that they are continuing those behaviors, you will have your answer.
A person who is truly sorry will prove it to you. A person who feels remorse and wants to take responsibility for his actions will take steps to show this to you. They will stop engaging in behaviors that demonstrate a lack of accountability. Moreover, they will be patient with you while building your trust. They won’t tell you things like, oh, that’s in the past. We have to forget that now, and we have to move on. They’re not going to turn around and point the finger at you for some made-up thing you did that supposedly shows a lack of accountability.
When it comes to relationships and a lack of accountability, such as a relationship with a narcissist, you have someone who often lies, cheats, is unfaithful, and refuses to give you exclusivity. You have someone who subjects you to explosive rage out of nowhere. You have someone ghost you and then come back to the scene two or three weeks later and ask you if you’re free.
Acceptance of the reality of the situation
If a person continues to repeatedly commit the above crimes, he will not be able to bear responsibility for the requirements of mutual relationship and care. This could be a romantic relationship or any relationship where you feel like you’re running all over the place. In addition to doing this, they also try to shift blame so they can avoid accountability.
If it’s a family situation, you may discover that some of your family members have formed an alliance against you, and one of them has been pretending to be your best friend and letting you spill the tea about things that are going on. Then go back to the other family members and tell them everything.
Let’s dig a little deeper into why there are narcissistic people in the world who completely lack accountability. Before I get into this, I just want to say that I’m not speaking from a judicial standpoint. More than anything else, I speak from a place of experience.
The truth is that narcissists lack accountability because they frequently get away with their crimes. When you have someone who constantly lies to you, and often doesn’t care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, or betray you…this is where we have to step in and hold them accountable because they won’t do it themselves.
If someone is always lying, cheating, two-faced, and gets angry out of nowhere, yet we keep them in our lives, and that’s why they live their lives without accountability. They know they can do the things they do, and there’s a good chance they’ll get away with it. If you find yourself being lax about your boundaries or completely forgetting about them because you want to keep someone in your life, what incentive do you have to change them?
Maybe they give you the silent treatment for two or three weeks because they made up an argument and then walked out, and you haven’t heard from them in a while. You may think you’re holding them accountable by not answering their texts or phone calls, but here’s the deal. If you eventually give in and let them back in, they won’t be responsible, and you won’t maintain your boundaries.
The sad truth is that with someone who refuses to be responsible, it’s up to us to hold them responsible, which generally means walking away from the relationship. We have to have standards, and we have to have limits. We can’t let our emotions run the show. I realize it’s not simple. I know about trauma interconnectedness and Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve experienced those things. I’ve been in one of the worst cases imaginable, so I’m not speaking from a place of judgment.
Narcissism is a disease
What you should do is refuse to accept their lack of accountability. Their energy does not match your energy. Their morals don’t match yours. At the very least, you have someone in your life that you don’t get along with. If a person is incompatible with you because they have narcissistic traits, this is not something you can fix. This does not indicate our ability to be somewhat selfish at times; This is not a narcissistic trait. This is simply a human trait.
Narcissism is a pathology. This is why I don’t think we all have narcissistic traits because narcissism is part of the Dark Triad alongside psychopaths. We’re talking about individuals who can lie without remorse, betray without remorse, hurt you without remorse, and continue to do those things repeatedly.
Today’s definition of narcissism sometimes does not include selfishness. Just because you can get impatient sometimes doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist, nor does it mean you have a narcissistic trait – it’s simply human.
Not all of us have narcissistic traits because narcissism is a psychological personality disorder characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance and extreme entitlement. Not everyone has this type of thinking or behavior, so not everyone will display narcissistic traits. Additionally, not everyone falls on the narcissism spectrum, as only the actual disorder exists on a continuum. This means that there are varying degrees of severity when it comes to narcissism and that those affected by it can have symptoms ranging from mild to severe.
Simply put, narcissism is a personality disorder that is often accompanied by pathological traits. Saying that we all have narcissistic traits is like saying that we all have elements of pathological personality disorder.
Things narcissists do to pretend they’re in charge
There are things narcissists will do to pretend they are trying to take responsibility, which you should be aware of.
They may give you the password to their device, tell you they’re breaking up with someone they’ve been seeing behind your back, and even go so far as to pick up the phone and call the person in front of you to say they’ve broken up. more. They may agree to go to therapy with you or agree to start going to church. By all means, if you feel like you have to give them another chance, do so.
But I can guarantee you that it will only be a matter of time until you see that it was all an act. This is simply their way of buying time.
This is my explanation for why narcissists lack accountability. It’s also a call to stop analyzing it and wasting your life trying to hold on to this relationship. Because the longer this goes on, there will be no room for you to heal, no room for you to get out of the relationship, and no room in your life for people who will care and be responsible. I imagine you’ve been trying to analyze what’s going on for a very long time now. Isn’t it time for you now? Isn’t this your role?
