One of the comments I see a lot is, “I can’t believe there are people in the world who lack accountability. I can’t believe they refuse to take responsibility for what they’ve done!”
Today I present my interpretation of this scenario.
If you had Googled the question, “Why do narcissists refuse to be in charge?” You will get different answers because there are generally two camps of thought. The first camp insists that everything a narcissistic personality does is due to their lack of self-love and harboring extreme shame. In theory, the lack of accountability for their actions prevents them from feeling the supposed pain they are enduring.
If you’ve watched my recent YouTube videos, you know I was talking about how mainstream psychology is basically based on Freud’s outdated psychoanalytic theories. Freud worked with deranged people.
He did not generally work with ordinary people, and many of his theories apply only to a specific segment of the population.
In other words, Freud often developed vague and untestable theories (particularly regarding defense mechanisms), and his empirically testable theories were not widely accepted by the empirical community.Then, you have a second camp of people who believe that narcissists refuse to accept accountability for their actions because they deserve and feel superior to others. This is the camp I belong to.
I’ve had my fair share of narcissistic relationships, but I’ve also worked with victims of narcissistic abuse for many years. My experience training these individuals, along with my research into the work of FBI profilers, forensic psychology, and the dark triad, is why I believe that narcissists, or at least most of them, do not suffer from extreme shyness, low self-esteem, or Lack of self-love.
See beyond illusion
Suppose you are in a relationship with a narcissist. In this case, you will likely have formed an emotional attachment to them and feel like you are in love based on the initial love-bombing period. And so it’s hard for you to believe that it’s bad news because you want to think that they’re feeling some of the same feelings as you. You want to believe that underneath it all, they can feel remorse and sometimes feel sorry for the way they act– and they can be very persuasive in that regard.
But if you remove your feelings, look at your relationship patterns, and look at the fact that they still continue these behaviors, you will have your answer.
The person who is sincerely sorry will prove it to you. Someone who feels remorse and wants to take responsibility for their actions will take steps to show you that. They will stop engaging in behaviors that show a lack of accountability. Moreover, they will be patient with you as you build your confidence. They won’t tell you things like, oh, that’s in the past. We need to forget about it now, and we need to move on. They will not turn around and point fingers at you about some fabricated things you have done that supposedly shows a lack of accountability.
When it comes to relationships and lack of accountability, like the relationship with a narcissist, you have someone who often lies, cheats, betrays, and refuses to give you exclusivity. You have someone who is giving you intense outbursts out of nowhere. You have someone hide you and then come back on the scene two or three weeks later, and ask if you’re free.
Accept the reality of the situation
If someone continues to commit the above offenses over and over again, they will not be able to take responsibility for the requirements of a reciprocal and caring relationship. This could be a romantic relationship or any relationship where you feel like you’re walking all over the place. In addition to doing so, they are also trying to shift blame so that they can avoid accountability.
If it was a family situation, you might find out that some of your family members formed an alliance against you, and one of them was pretending to be your best friend and letting you spill the tea about the things that are going on. Then go back to the other family members and tell them everything.
Let’s dig a little deeper into why there are narcissistic people in the world who completely lack accountability. Before getting into this, I just want to say that I am not speaking from a place of judgment. More than anything else, I speak from a place of experience.
The truth is that narcissists lack accountability because they frequently get away with their crimes. When you have someone who constantly lies to you, cares little about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, and cheats on you…that is where we have to come in and hold them accountable because they won’t do it on their own.
If someone is always lying, cheating, being two-faced, flaring out of nowhere, yet we keep them in our lives, that’s why they pass through life without being responsible. They know they can do the things they do, and there is a good chance they will get away with it. If you find yourself tolerating your boundaries or completely forgetting about them because you want to keep someone in your life, what motivator needs to change?
They may treat you to silence for two or three weeks because they made up an argument and walked out, and you haven’t heard anything from them in a while. You might think you’re holding them accountable by not answering their texts or phone calls, but here’s the deal. If you eventually win back and let them in again, they won’t be held accountable, and you haven’t maintained your boundaries.
The sad truth is that with someone who refuses to be in charge, it’s up to us to take responsibility for them, which generally means walking away from the relationship. We must have standards, and we must have limits. We can’t let our emotions run the show. I realize it is not easy. I know about the interrelationship of trauma and Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve tried these things. I was one of the worst imaginable, so I’m not speaking from a place of judgment.
Narcissism is a pathology
What you must do is refuse to accept their lack of accountability. Their energy does not match yours. Their morals do not match yours. At the very least, you have someone in your life that you don’t get along with. If a person is not compatible with you because they have narcissistic traits, this is not something you can fix. This does not indicate our ability to be a little selfish at times. This is not a narcissistic trait. This is just a human trait.
Narcissism is a pathology. This is why I don’t think we all have narcissistic traits because narcissism is part of the dark triad next to psychopaths. We are talking about individuals who can lie without remorse, betray without remorse, hurt you without remorse, and continue to do these things repeatedly.
Today’s definition of narcissism does not include selfishness at times. Just because you can be impatient at times doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist, and it doesn’t mean you have a narcissistic trait — it’s as simple as being human.
Not all of us possess narcissistic traits because narcissism is a psychological personality disorder characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance and intense entitlement. Not everyone has this type of thinking or behavior, so not everyone will display narcissistic traits. Additionally, not everyone is on the spectrum for narcissism because only the actual disorder is on a continuum. This means that there are varying degrees of severity when it comes to narcissism, and that people who are affected by it can have symptoms that range from mild to severe.
Simply put, narcissism is a personality disorder that is often accompanied by pathological traits. To say that we all have narcissistic traits is like saying that we all have elements of pathological personality disorder.
If someone is always lying, cheating, being two-faced, or just blowing up out of nowhere, yet we keep them in our lives, that’s why they pass through life without being responsible. They know they can do the things they do, and there’s a good chance they’ll get away with it. If you find yourself tolerating or completely ignoring your boundaries because you want to keep someone in your life, what is the motivation to change?
They may treat you to silence for two or three weeks because they made up an argument and walked out, and you haven’t heard anything from them in a while. You might think you’re holding them accountable by not answering their texts or phone calls, but here’s the deal. If you eventually recover and let them in again, they won’t be charged, and you won’t maintain your boundaries.
The sad truth is that with someone who refuses to be in charge, it’s up to us to take responsibility for them, which generally means walking away from the relationship. We must have standards, and we must have limits. We can’t let our emotions run the show. I realize it is not easy. I know about the interrelationship between trauma and Stockholm Syndrome. I’ve tried these things. I was one of the worst imaginable, so I’m not speaking from a place of judgment.
Narcissism is a pathology
What you must do is refuse to accept their lack of accountability. Their energy does not match yours. Their morals do not match yours. At the very least, you have someone in your life that you don’t get along with. If a person is not compatible with you because they have narcissistic traits, this is not something you can fix. This does not indicate our ability to be a little selfish at times. This is not a narcissistic trait. This is just a human trait.
Narcissism is a pathology. This is why I don’t think we all have narcissistic traits because narcissism is part of the dark triad alongside psychopaths. We are talking about individuals who can lie without remorse, betray without remorse, hurt you without remorse, and go on to do these things repeatedly.
The definition of narcissism today does not include selfishness at times. Just because you can be impatient at times doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist, and it doesn’t mean you have a narcissistic trait — it’s as simple as being human.
Not all of us have narcissistic traits because narcissism is a psychological personality disorder characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance and extreme entitlement. Not everyone has this type of thinking or behavior, so not everyone will display narcissistic traits. In addition, not everyone is on the narcissistic spectrum because only the actual disorder is on a continuum. This means that there are varying degrees of severity when it comes to narcissism, and that people affected by it can exhibit symptoms that range from mild to severe.
Simply put, narcissism is a personality disorder that is often accompanied by pathological traits. To say that we all have narcissistic traits is like saying that we all have the elements of a pathological personality disorder.
