Are you thinking about confronting a narcissist and wondering what to expect?
Often people confront narcissists, thinking that showing them how they act and how hurt they are might make a difference. You may think that they are simply unaware of how they are behaving. Or maybe you’re tired of it. You are fed up and want to present the facts to the narcissist because you want them to know that you like them.
In general, confronting a narcissist occurs in one of two ways.
What to expect when confronted by narcissists?
1- They react with narcissistic anger and hurt
Be prepared, they will do more than just get rid of you or walk away.
They will make you pay for confronting them because you pointed out flaws in their character or personality and they can’t handle that. So they will turn things around and make it seem like you are the reason they do the things they do and why they act the way they do.
This could include any number of things. They may try to blame you for their infidelities. They may try to blame you for why they’re so secretive about their electronic devices, and say you don’t trust them.
Usually, when you point out to a narcissist what you don’t like about their behavior, the gloves are off. They understand that you are not falling in love with their facade anymore. No longer fall into their great illusion. And so they will do things to make you pay for it.
They may convince you that you are a narcissist. You are the one behaving in hurtful ways because narcissists must always be the victim in their own stories. So, even if you’ve done everything from the top to the top, you’ve given everything you can to the relationship, and you go up to them and say, “Hey, I’m noticing these things about your behavior and I’d like to talk to them.” Turn it around. I noticed that you are not telling the truth, or I noticed that you said you would stop this issue, but you are continuing with it. Or it feels like you’re trying to turn our kids against me. These topics will incite narcissistic injury.
These are the things that usually happen in the first scenario. But, it might also be like this…
2- They agree with everything you say and pretend they will try to do a better job
In this scenario, they will say things to make it seem like they are on the same page with you.
They might say, “Yes, you’re right. I need to watch myself. I need to be clearer about what I’m doing.” They may also apologize for hurting your feelings.
Narcissists sometimes apologize, but, as you will discover, their apologies are not genuine because they always go back to the thing they were doing and for which they apologized. It could be the same day or it could take several weeks, but they will always come back to do it. Even if you can’t catch them, you can rest assured that they are doing it behind your back.
Will confronting narcissists make them leave?
It can look that way. Often narcissists will have someone in their way; Another source of supply, or someone they’ve been setting up behind your back – or maybe not even behind your back. For example, I recently received a question from a woman who said, “My boyfriend told me he took a random girl’s number just to be friends. I’m trying to figure out what that means.”
If your partner is getting phone numbers from random people, that should be a big red flag. But this is often how triangulation begins. They’ll say things that sound fairly innocent, like: “I met this girl today and got her number so we can be friends.” Unless they know this person from school or college, they should not ask people for their phone numbers or take phone numbers from random people.
If you think you are dealing with a narcissist, then they are trying to set this person up to see if they will pass the litmus test for a good narcissistic proposal. That’s generally how it starts, so that when you confront them and then maybe they leave, or you leave, all that does is give free space for the narcissist to go ahead and groom that person, bomb them with love, and get that. Someone so hooked that when you confront him about his behaviors, he’ll likely give you the silent treatment and go off to create his new source of supply.
That’s why, when you finally decide to end the relationship, they can dive into a new relationship with someone else who – suddenly – becomes the love of their life. When this happens, they gaslight you to make you think they’ve found their soulmate and true love, but they also love bombing and highlighting the new show.
I just want them to leave me alone
Confronting a narcissist and hoping they’ll go away and say, “Oh, you’re with me now. I’ll just move on and leave. Have a good life,” is usually a fantasy. It doesn’t usually happen this way. Narcissists are known to come back after 5, 10, and 20 years. So, even if you’ve convinced yourself that narcissists will never come back, that they hate your guts, and don’t want to breathe the same air you breathe, don’t be surprised if they come back on the scene. As if nothing had happened and any progress you had made was reversed.
This is why I strongly advocate no contact because you can’t leave it up to the narcissist. Confronting a narcissist, wondering if they’ll be gone forever, or perhaps hoping to find someone new so they’ll leave you alone – these are things many of us want, but don’t usually happen. We have to be the ones who set, support, and maintain boundaries.
So, if you had a previous relationship with a narcissist and were shocked that he reached out after a couple of years, you may want to ask yourself what you expected. Narcissists are notorious for recycling old supplies, and although it may seem like they love the new person, they know that eventually, the relationship will begin to crumble around their ankles.
It’s also important to remember that just because they reach out to you after two years doesn’t mean they’ve thought about how they treated you or that they’ve changed or made any kind of improvement. This is not what narcissists do. Moreover, they are not only connecting with you, they are connecting with other people they have had relationships with in the past. So there is nothing good or fun about the narcissist coming back after time.
Should you face the new offer?
Narcissists are very strategic. That’s why it doesn’t make sense to warn about the new offer. Although most of us wish someone would warn us, we say so too late. But in reality, we were being love-bombed. We were hooked. We were wishful thinking. If someone approached us and said, “Look, your new partner is a liar and a cheater. They’re abusive.” It would most likely make them look like the crazy person the narcissist said they were.
That’s why I don’t recommend approaching the new offer. Additionally, they may decide to file a restraining order against you and charge you with stalking and harassment. I’ve seen it happen. So when it comes to the new show, even though it’s very sad and very unfortunate, it’s best to let them have their ride because they probably won’t believe you anyway.
It is also very common that when you confront a narcissist about their behaviors, manipulations, gaslighting, lies, and betrayals, they will try to turn things around and make it seem like you are a narcissist. You are the one who offends. You are the one who is manipulating.
They might call you something else. They may say you have borderline or bipolar… whatever they accuse you of it will be a disorder generally associated with unstable behaviors. This is often very effective in pushing your buttons, triggering you, and making you respond or react in a way that might cause you to behave abnormally. That’s why you see people saying respond, don’t react. Because when you feed a narcissist’s drama, the things they say about you often appear to be true. So it’s important not to internalize the things they say or the things they do to try to get back at you.
