When you say the word “narcissist,” most people immediately picture an extroverted, extroverted person who appears extremely confident in himself and immediately takes center stage at every gathering. While this is a convenient short description of the narcissist’s typical grandiose exhibitionist behavior, it ignores many other people who also suffer from narcissistic disorders.
I have found it helpful to divide narcissistic personality disorder into three main subtypes: Extrovertising, Closet, and Toxic. Some theorists call them by different names or may describe fewer or more types of narcissists. Those I call toxic narcissists might also call malignant narcissists, Or they may describe all non-oppositionists as covert narcissists.
Names aside, the easiest way to identify the subgroup you’re dealing with is by paying close attention to how they prefer to source their narcissistic supplies. Briefly:
Exhibitionist narcissists: They want to be admired
Narcissists: They want to be attached to someone they admire
Toxic Narcissists: They want to control the other person and make them feel worthless
#Why is it important to recognize the subgroup to which a narcissist belongs?
If you are planning to enter into a romantic relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you need to understand exactly what you are getting into and how it is likely to impact your relationship. You can gain some basic information about a person by simply realizing that he or she has narcissistic issues. If you have read some information about narcissism, you will discover that narcissists are:
Preoccupation with self-esteem issues
Self-centered
Lack of emotional empathy
Extremely sensitive to perceived failures
Easy to get angry
Currency devaluation
Very status-conscious
All of this makes it difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to maintain stable, intimate, and loving relationships.
#Narcissistic subgroups
If we take the above information one step further and classify narcissists into these three basic subgroups, this gives us more information about how they are likely to interact in intimate relationships. Maybe you are in a relationship with a narcissist without realizing it.
Each of the three narcissistic groups has its typical relationship style. Because there is so much focus on the exhibitionist narcissist, many people are not aware that any other type of narcissistic personality disorder exists. This means that you could be married to a non-exhibitionist narcissist for years without even realizing it.
When things get really bad, and a spouse’s narcissistic traits suddenly become more apparent, people ask me, “Is it possible that my husband (or wife) has suddenly become a narcissist after all these years?” The answer is “no.” Narcissistic personality disorder is formed in childhood and can be diagnosed in early adulthood. You just haven’t recognized the signs yet.
#Why has their narcissism become more evident now?
It usually turns out that some life crisis has threatened the narcissistic spouse’s self-esteem. In trying to meet this challenge, the person increases the use of narcissistic defenses. This has now made these defensive behaviors more apparent.
This means that it is very likely that your spouse’s narcissistic difficulties and coping strategies have created problems in your relationship throughout the time you have been together. You simply did not understand that this was the problem. Once you understand what to look for, perhaps you’ll be able to see how your partner’s narcissistic sensibilities have played a role in many of the fights and misunderstandings between you over the years.
#Introduction to the three narcissistic subgroups and their styles in relationships
Here’s a brief introduction to the three main subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder and some examples of how they might act on a first date with someone new. How they behave on that date can provide useful information about how they will fare in an ongoing intimate relationship, if it develops after that date. The difference is that on a first date, they put their best foot forward. If you don’t like their behavior, you’re less likely to enjoy their company later when they take you for granted and don’t try as hard.
Narcissists are usually fairly straightforward when it comes to displaying their relationship style because they are usually not aware of what their actions say about them. They also tend to repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again. You’re usually safe to assume the following: If they did it to you on the first date, they’ve done it before and they’ll do it again.
1. Exhibitionist narcissists
This is the group of people who come to mind when most people hear the word “narcissist.” They love to be the center of admiring attention. They tend to dominate conversations, feel entitled to special treatment, act very confident, and enjoy telling stories and giving advice. When they feel insecure, they use what I call “God Defense”:
God = great, all-powerful, devalued
“Defending God” is my shorthand way of describing the unrealistic, idealistic defensive façade that exhibitionistic narcissists try to build to hide their self-doubt. Instead of presenting themselves as ordinary human beings with various talents and flaws, they insist that they are special, perfect, know-it-alls, and always right. They also expect everyone around them to agree with their point of view. In their minds, they are “above” and all but a select few are “below.”
Because this arrogant posture is a thin facade that is easy to puncture, and not how they feel on the inside, it is easy to be disrupted. This makes exhibitionist narcissists hypersensitive to even minor insults. They are short-tempered and willing to fight about things that most people may not even notice. They can also be very cruel because they lack emotional empathy.
When they’re not bragging about their accomplishments or telling stories in which they play a heroic or heroic role, they’re busy belittling anyone who disagrees with them. They might cruelly taunt someone nearby: “Boy, does she look fat in that dress!” Or “I can’t believe how stupid our waiter is.” They tend to be oblivious to others’ true reactions to their attitudes and behavior. They’re so blinded by their defenses that they assume everyone either agrees with them or thinks what they’re saying is entertaining.
Primary Exposing Narcissist Relationship Style: They are insensitive and controlling. They expect anyone they are with to like them and agree with them on everything. Disagreement is viewed as criticism and is met with belittlement. They need constant reassurance that they are special, perfect, and always right.
2. The narcissist’s closet
Unlike their extroverted narcissistic “cousins,” narcissists feel uncomfortable when the spotlight is directly on them. They want to be “special,” but they are conflicted. They have typically been trained since childhood that they will be attacked if they show themselves in public to be admired. They often had an exhibitionist, narcissistic parent who devalued them because he saw them as competition. They were rewarded only with praise for their admiration for their show-off father. Their narcissistic grandiosity has been crushed or buried deep within their personality.
In general, covert narcissists tend to be less secure than display narcissists. They feel too exposed and vulnerable to enjoy being the center of attention. They fear that others will see all their faults and attack and devalue them as their narcissistic parents did. Instead, they find ways to connect themselves to people, issues, religions, and other things that they admire and consider special. Then they feel special through association.
They do not say: I am special, so they admire me!
Instead of being overly demanding, narcissists sometimes try to manipulate the situation to get their way indirectly. They may play the victim and use your pity to convince you to do what they want. They often pretend to be much nicer than they feel inside.
Many people with closed-ended narcissistic personality disorder allow themselves to be taken advantage of by their most trusted friends. They live for the praise they hope to gain by working hard for people, causes, and groups they admire. There’s a song in the movie “Beaches” called “The Wind Beneath My Wings” that beautifully describes the kind of appreciation that most narcissists dream of getting from people they consider perfect.
Basic relationship style of narcissists: They choose someone they can consider perfect and special. They bask in the reflected glory of that person. They imagine that some of this specialization will rub off on them. They appreciate the small bits of approval they get from anyone they consider perfect. They often form relationships with exhibitionistic narcissists because they mistake their defensive grandiosity for true self-confidence.
3. Toxic narcissists
Toxic narcissists are the “means” of the narcissistic group. They are not satisfied with being the center of attention but rather want complete dominance and subjugation of others. They usually have a sadistic streak and enjoy hurting others. They want you to obey them and fear them.
Some of them are what I think of as “loser show-offs.” They are angry and bitter because they have not been able to live up to their unrealistic fantasies of limitless achievement. They envy anyone who has what they want. They have given up being a constructive force in the world and are now mainly intent on thwarting the happiness of others.
Their toxic intentions are very clear when they show up in public, like the class bully who terrorizes weaker kids or their boss who likes to angrily belittle a different person every day in front of the entire office: “You screwed up again! You screwed up again!” What are you, yay? Foolish? Or have you decided to fire yourself today and get unemployment because you’re too lazy to work?
Toxic narcissists can also appear in a more covert form, like your “nice old aunt” who always seems to be able to ask embarrassing questions that make you nervous in front of the whole family: “Why are you so fat? Neither of your parents were fat as children. Or “Who Too bad you lost your job again! How many jobs did you lose? Why can’t a smart girl like you keep her job?
