The man’s name was Nabal, and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was a woman of good understanding and beautiful appearance. The man was cruel and evil in his deeds, and he was from the house of the Lord. Caleb. 1 Samuel 25:
I suppose everyone has moments where they are unreasonable. I know I do. But most people come once they’ve had a nap, a snack, or a good chat. But for others, being unreasonable is a tool they use to subvert others’ sense of reality. The narcissist is the inventor of the impossible choice, I believe, and Nabal is a good example of that.
Related : Can Narcissists Change? The Answer is Complicated
The title of this post came to me shortly after my divorce from my ex. I thought I would write a book about living with a narcissist, and I thought of Nabal, Abigail’s first husband in 1 Samuel. In all honesty, the title made me laugh so much that it seemed appropriate at the time and still does. Abigail was presented with such a scenario that only an unreasonable narcissist could concoct. She was between an unreasonable rock and a hard place. The only solutions that presented themselves were those that put themselves at risk.
The narcissist sometimes seems to lack a self-protective mode. They are taking a position that can only endanger everyone, even themselves. In the case of Nabal, King David and his men faced off in one of the most stupid confrontations in the Bible.
Then one of the young men told Nabal’s wife Abigail, saying: Behold, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our Lord, but he blasphemed them. 1 Sam 25:4
To explain it a bit, David had just cleared the area of enemies, protecting Nabal from danger to his life and property. Nabal did not respond gratefully when David’s men asked for a meal, a not-unreasonable request. People have asked me how I know Nabal is a narcissist. Pretty simple. The narcissist’s basic assumption is that everyone around him is betraying him. Nabal cannot see what has been offered to him in the form of protection. The request (the king’s order) for food was seen as a request that was a severe violation of what was his.
You see, the narcissist keeps a very careful account of what is his or her own. Even if he or she doesn’t want it, you can’t have it. Like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings, he is theirs, theirs, and precious to them. Or maybe more like Smaug, the dragon in The Hobbit. He counted every last coin from the enormous treasure in the mountain.
So Abigail hurried and took two hundred loaves of bread, two bottles of wine, five sheep prepared, five measures of parched corn, one hundred bunches of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and put them on the donkeys. 1 Sam 25:5
I think we overlook this brave act on Abigail’s part. This is the rock and the hard place I was talking about with the unreasonable narcissist. Nabal wasn’t stupid enough to misunderstand the situation. Like most rich people, he was probably very smart. But he creates a situation in which Abigail must act in a way that goes against his strict orders, regardless of it saving his life. He now has ammunition against Abigail with which he can torture her later. She could argue all she wanted that she was saving his life and the lives of everyone living on their land. All he had to do was point out that she had disobeyed direct orders.
It’s a mind game. I can’t even remember all the times my ex gave me unreasonable or even crazy orders. My inability or sometimes unwillingness to go against my conscience or simple common sense was used against me for not wanting to follow in his footsteps. Sometimes it seemed like I was undermining our life together, as when he tried to convince me to leave teaching. He wanted me to work in a factory instead, a stressful job that paid less and took longer hours.
However the result of the unreasonable positions that the narcissist often takes puts his victim in a position where he is forced to mediate between him and the world.
When Abigail saw David, she ran and got off the donkey and fell on her face before David and bowed to the ground. 1 Sam 25:6
Related : Traits of Narcissists: 12 More According to Paul
The job of the narcissist’s victim is to apologize to others for their (the narcissist’s) actions. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve apologized unreasonably to for my ex’s behavior, especially in my family. I’ve made excuses and done therapy for relationships he’s compromised, people he’s insulted, or just plain mean behavior. Except, of course, for the people he wanted to impress. It seems to me that every narcissist has a short list of people he wants to make an offer to.
And Abigail came to Nabal. And behold, he made a feast in his house like a king’s feast. Nabal was pleased with his heart because he was very drunk, so she told him nothing, little or great, until the morning light. In the morning, when Nabal ran out of wine and his wife told him these words, his heart died in him and he became like a stone (1 Samuel 25: 36-37).
The narcissist’s Achilles’ heel is shame. When Nabal was told that David had barely been prevented from killing him, he remained silent. His pride is diminished and he sinks into a severe depression. It is not from repentance. If he had repented, he would have gone directly to David and asked for his forgiveness. Nabal was exposed, and it was unbearable for him. Ten days later, the Lord brought him out of his misery and the misery of everyone else.
The story ends with Abigail’s marriage to David. Most people seem to treat this as a happy ending. I think it was a rescue from mysterious circumstances. Although I believe David had a special relationship with the Lord, I am not particularly impressed with his shepherding skills. He practiced polygamy, which severely harmed his children. However, Abigail got to live in the palace and I imagine she was grateful for the new life away from Nabal.
Unreasonable behavior, in the end, hurts the narcissist more than anyone else. I like to think that’s the moral of this little Bible story. After all, God certainly honored Abigail’s courage in the face of systemic abuse. This reminds me of when I tend to look unreasonably at the motives of my heart. Am I standing up for something important or am I just sticking to my way?
