If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and want to break up, let me start by saying that I know how difficult this feeling can be.
I’ve been there and as unpleasant as narcissistic behavior is, you’ll get through it, just like I did!
But one thing I didn’t have at the time was the know-how or advice to prepare me for what was about to come. That’s why I hope this ultimate guide to breaking up with a narcissist will help you through the process.
So, without further ado, let’s move on to:
How to break up with a narcissist
Let’s start by going over how to handle (and carry out) a breakup before we look at your partner’s reaction.
1) Prepare yourself mentally
You are nervous and don’t know what to expect. You may have tried to break up with them before, or this may be your first attempt.
Don’t worry. Take a deep breath.
I’d like you to run a mental checklist through your mind about why you want to break up with your partner (or write one if that helps).
Obviously, their narcissism will play a major role in making this decision, but there could be other reasons as well.
Once you are clear on the “why,” it will be very difficult for your partner to try to talk you out of it!
This is why the first step in breaking up with a narcissist is to prepare yourself beforehand.
2) Plan for your safety
I don’t mean to scare you with this point, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry!
If your partner is abusive, please consider carefully whether you will need the involvement of other people (family, law enforcement, etc.).
but that is not all …
Do you have a plan for where you will go after the breakup? Assuming you both live together, it probably wouldn’t be wise to stay in the same house after ending things.
That’s why I recommend making plans to stay with family or friends until you’re back on your feet – unfortunately, some narcissists can be very unpredictable and you don’t know how long they’ll be if they’re against a breakup.
So while it’s scary to think this way, it also makes sense to make the effort to save you from trouble in the long run!
3) Choose the right time and place
Now, once you’ve thought about the safety aspect, it’s time to plan the actual breakup…
Only you know your partner, so it’s best to think of a time and place to minimize the damage (i.e., not go off on them as soon as they walk in the front door).
Here are a few things to take into consideration:
Would you be safer if you did it in public?
When is the best time to approach your partner about it?
But keep in mind, if you feel more comfortable doing it in public, you should still choose a place where your conversation will be private.
After all, the last thing you want to do is embarrass a narcissist – and that will only make the whole process that much more difficult!
4) Set boundaries from the start of the conversation
Okay, the big day has arrived. You’ve mentally prepared, planned for your safety, and chosen the right time and location.
Now for the hard part – the actual conversation!
My advice is to start with your limits.
Tell your partner that you want to have a serious conversation about your future together, but that you won’t tolerate abuse, name-calling, or aggressive behavior.
Make it clear and clear that if they break these boundaries, you will have to walk away and resume the conversation when they are able to control themselves.
So, why do I recommend starting with the limits?
It puts you in a position of strength.
You declare that you will not stand for disrespect.
Hopefully this continues as if you had the “conversation” and actually broke up with them.
And when it comes to giving them the reasons you want them?
5) Be clear and firm
I can’t stress this point enough – don’t start running around the plant or telling them white lies to soften the blow.
They will 100% use this against you if you give them the chance.
Instead, think back to the mental preparation phase. Remember the points you made about why you want to break up.
and, most importantly:
Be clear, calm, and firm.
Don’t feel like you need to keep explaining yourself or get into the nitty-gritty. The most important thing is that you understand that this relationship will not go further.
Sounds harsh, right?
Well, unfortunately, this is the only way to break up with a narcissist! If this is a clue for anyone else, I’ll edit it to be more sympathetic.
6) Avoid playing the blame game
Now, once you’re in the midst of a breakup, it can be tempting to start throwing shade and blaming your partner for everything that went wrong.
Even if this is true, it is not a good path to follow.
The truth is that you are playing with a professional. And they will win every time.
So take the high road, state your reasons, but don’t start back and forth with your narcissistic partner.
It simply isn’t worth it. keep the end goal in sight; You want to end the relationship and move on as amicably as possible!
7) Seek support from friends and family
Now, once you’ve had the conversation, walk away.
Don’t hang around to pull it off. You were clear, and there is nothing left to talk about now (at least until passions subside).
The next step is to seek support from your family and friends.
Why?
Because although you may feel like it’s over, it rarely is. The narcissist will not like being separated from him, and they will likely return to convince you to change your mind, or even worse, start trying to inflict pain (emotional, mental, and possibly physical) on you.
You need people to be aware of your situation, people you can trust and go to when needed!
And more than that, you just need the emotional support of someone telling you, “It’s going to be okay.”
Now, once you get to this point, you’re probably wondering, what happens next?
Read on to find out…
It would be crazy if you weren’t worried about how your narcissistic partner would react when you broke up with them, so here are some common reactions:
Denial – They may deny there is anything wrong with the relationship, even going so far as to deny that the breakup happened! This is all manipulation to try to win you back.
Anger – They may react aggressively and lash out. They may start accusing you of things simply to try to feel more in control of the situation again.
Manipulation – This is the narcissist’s go-to when they have no control. They may play mind games, appeal to you romantically, or feel guilty about getting back together.
Projection – They may try to shift their behavior towards you and make it seem as though you are responsible for everything that went wrong in the relationship.
Gaslighting – They may try to make you feel like you’re remembering certain events, or that you’re simply going crazy.
Sabotage – This is where a narcissist will go out of their way to ruin your reputation or prevent you from entering a new relationship.
Stalking or Harassment – In extreme cases, some narcissists resort to stalking or harassing their ex to get back together. This is why we talked so much about safety earlier and have a good support system in the way of family and friends.
Now, it’s important to remember that every narcissist will react differently, but it’s always a good idea to keep these points in mind so you can prepare accordingly!
But there is something else you might be wondering about…
Should you try to stay friends after a breakup?
My advice and the general consensus from other people who have broken up with a narcissist is a great fat no.
I know you may feel tempted and may even think that by remaining friends, they will cope better with the breakup.
But the truth is, the narcissistic ex doesn’t want to be your friend.
They will use this as a gateway to either manipulate you back into being together, and control you, or go through with whatever you’re up to.
So even though you mean well by it, it’s just not worth the trouble and it’s counterproductive.
Have the conversation, give them a chance to express their opinion, and move on quickly.
but that is not all …
Make it clear that for at least the first month, you don’t want any contact with them.
This should give you a good cooling off period, and then if you absolutely need to be in touch, perhaps for the sake of the kids, you can reach out after this period.
Rising above the mind games
We are almost at the end of the ultimate guide to breaking up with a narcissist, and I hope the information above helps!
But one last thing I thought worth mentioning is how powerful the narcissists’ mind games are.
These types of people will go to any lengths to get what they want.
So, get ready to hear all about how “changed” it would be if you got her back. They may go to extreme measures to prove it to you.
All wrong.
Believe me, if they wanted to change, they would have done it while you were still together!
And if they take a more abusive path to manipulation, like slapping you, verbally attacking you, or bringing you down, the best thing you can do is simply walk away.
Cut the power to the source and you’ll be fine (in fact, better than okay once they’re completely out of your life!).
