When a relationship with a narcissist ends, the consequences can be devastating. Narcissists are known for their selfish, manipulative behavior. Unlike most people who may feel remorse or empathy after a breakup, narcissists often feel entitled and use their exes as pawns in their game of emotional manipulation. If you’re dealing with an ex-narcissist, you may have experienced or witnessed some of these toxic behaviors firsthand. In this article, we’ll explore 12 ways narcissists shamelessly treat their exes, and uncover the ugly truth behind their cruel and selfish tactics.

1. The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is one of the most painful tactics narcissists use to control their exes. After a breakup, a narcissist may completely cut off communication, ignore your attempts to reach out, or even block you on social media. This emotional abuse isn’t just about not communicating; it’s a strategic way to regain control and assert dominance. Narcissists enjoy seeing their exes demanding attention, and they enjoy the power they have over your emotions.

2. Manipulating Your Reality

Manipulating your reality is a common tactic that narcissists use to distort your perception of reality. After a breakup, a narcissist may try to make you doubt your emotions or memories of the relationship. They may tell you that you’re “too sensitive” or that you’re “imagining things.” This makes it hard for you to trust yourself and can leave you feeling confused and helpless. Narcissists thrive on making others feel small, and manipulating your reality is a surefire way for them to do this.

3. Rewriting Your Relationship History

Narcissists have an uncanny ability to rewrite the history of the relationship to paint themselves as the victim. They will tell anyone who will listen that you caused the breakup, that you’re the toxic one, or that they tried their best but couldn’t make things work for you. This revised history is part of their grandiose self-image, and serves to absolve them of any responsibility for the relationship’s end.

4. Triangulation and Manipulation of New Partners

After a breakup, a narcissist may immediately move on to a new partner—often with the express intent of making you jealous. They may try to triangulate in their new relationship, bringing up their new lover in conversation, posting photos of you together on social media, or comparing you to their new partner. The narcissist’s goal here is not just to make you jealous but to use their new partner as a tool to bolster their inflated sense of self-worth.

5. Exploitation Tactic

Exploitation refers to the narcissist’s attempt to “suck” their ex back into their life after a period of no contact. This may include sporadic text messages, calls, or even grand gestures like showing up at your house uninvited. The narcissist will feign emotional vulnerability, pretending to miss you or that they’ve changed. But the truth is, they’re trying to regain control over you, not because they care about your well-being but because they thrive on your validation.

6. Playing the Victim

One of the most common tactics narcissists use to manipulate others is playing the victim. After a breakup, they often tell their friends, family, or even mutual acquaintances how you mistreated them or how they were the ones hurt. This sad story portrays them as an innocent, incomprehensible person while making you look like the bad guy. The narcissist wants to elicit sympathy from others and shift blame away from their toxic behavior.

7. Using Your Vulnerabilities Against You

Narcissists are very attuned to your vulnerabilities, and they will use them against you when it suits their agenda. Whether it’s a past insecurity, fear, or personal weakness, the narcissist will not hesitate to exploit it. They may tap into your deepest fears to manipulate you into doing what they want or to hurt you emotionally. They don’t care about your emotional well-being; they only care about themselves and winning the game.

8. Jealousy Traps

Another insidious way narcissists treat their exes is by setting up jealousy traps. They know you’re still emotionally invested in the relationship, and they may use your feelings of possessiveness to their advantage. The narcissist may flirt with others in front of you or openly talk about their new romantic interests, all while knowing that you still love them. This behavior is designed to make you feel inadequate, angry, or hurt, and it’s all about control for them.

9. Drama-Dragging You Into Drama

Narcissists thrive on drama and chaos. After a breakup, they may intentionally stir up conflict by accusing you of things you didn’t do or by making false claims. They may even go so far as to involve your friends or family in this fabricated drama, manipulating them to take sides. This drama isn’t about resolution or healing; it’s about keeping you in their orbit and maintaining control over your emotional state.

10. Withholding Closure

A narcissist’s need for control extends even to the concept of closure. After a breakup, you may feel a deep need for answers, closure, or an acknowledgment of the hurt they’ve caused you. However, narcissists often withhold this closure, leaving you in a state of uncertainty. They know that by leaving you hanging, they’re keeping you emotionally invested, wondering if things could have been different. This tactic allows them to continue to control your emotional state long after the relationship has ended.

11. Public Smear Campaigns

If a narcissist feels insulted or humiliated by the breakup, they may go to great lengths to publicly discredit you. This may include sharing personal information about your relationship with mutual acquaintances, posting passive-aggressive messages on social media, or outright name-calling you. The goal is to damage your social standing and make you look bad in the eyes of others. A narcissist’s ego can’t handle rejection, and they will use smear campaigns to get back at you and reassert their power.

Read Also: The Clock Is Ticking: How Long Narcissist Rebounds Really Last

12. Constantly Moving the Goalposts

If you find yourself in any form of ongoing contact with a narcissist after a breakup, you may notice that they are constantly changing the rules of the relationship. One moment, they may appear to be friendly and helpful, only to become cold and demanding the next. They may set unrealistic expectations, criticize you for not meeting them, and then blame you for not meeting those expectations. Narcissists enjoy keeping you on edge, forcing you to chase their approval and never meet their impossible standards.

Conclusion

Ending a relationship with a narcissist is never easy. The emotional consequences can be devastating, especially when the narcissist uses these shameful tactics to continue manipulating and controlling you. Whether they exploit your reality, play the victim, or use jealousy to annoy you, narcissists will stop at nothing to maintain their power. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self and moving forward with your life. It is important to set boundaries, seek support from trusted friends and family, and prioritize your mental health as you recover from narcissistic abuse.