Anyone who loves narcissists wonders, “Does he love me?” “Do you appreciate me?” They are torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but they can’t seem to do either. Some swear they are loved; Others are convinced that they are not.
It’s confusing, because sometimes they encounter the caring person they like, whose company is a pleasure, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate. Narcissists claim to love their families and partners, but do they?
How a narcissist loves
Narcissists may show passion in the early stages of dating. But this kind of affection, according to the Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, is “always directed at our own expectations, our own projections, our own illusions… It is a love not for another person, but for ourselves.” Such relationships provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to support the narcissist’s ego and self-esteem.
Related: What REALLY Causes People To Become Narcissists
For most narcissists, their relationships are transactional. Their goal is to enjoy uncommitted fun. They are playing a game, and winning is the goal. They are attractive, energetic, and possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This helps them manipulate people to gain their love and admiration. They pride themselves on being respected, loved, and grateful.
In addition, their good social skills allow them to make a good first impression. They can show great interest in romantic prospects and seduce with generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. Amorous narcissists (Don Juan and Mata Hari type) are skilled and persuasive lovers who may have many conquests, but remain celibate. Some narcissists lie and/or practice love bombing by showering their prey with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.
Narcissists lose interest as expectations of intimacy increase or when they win at their game. Many have difficulty maintaining a relationship for more than six months to a few years. They prioritize power over intimacy and hate weakness, which they consider weak. To maintain control, they avoid closeness and prefer dominance and superiority over others. So gaming strikes the perfect balance of meeting their needs and keeping their options open for flirting or dating multiple partners.
A sudden breakup can be traumatic for an ex, who is baffled by the unexpected change of heart – proposing marriage one minute and then walking out the next. They feel confused, crushed, abandoned, and betrayed. Had the relationship continued, they would have eventually found out through the seductive narcissistic shell.
Some narcissists are realistic in their approach to relationships, focusing on their goals. They may also develop positive feelings toward their partner, but based on friendship and shared interests. If they marry, they lack the motivation to maintain their romantic façade, and use defenses to avoid closeness. They become cold, critical, and angry, especially when they are challenged or do not achieve what they want. They are likely to support their wives’ needs and desires only when it is appropriate and their egos are satisfied.
After devaluing their partner, they need to look elsewhere to shore up their inflated ego.
Challenges of a narcissistic person
True love is not romance, and it is not interdependence. For Aristotle and Saint Thomas Aquinas, it is “willing the good of the other.” Nathaniel Branden says in his book The Psychology of Romantic Love: “To love a person means to know and love his person.” It is a union between two people, which requires that we see another person as separate from ourselves.
Furthermore, Erich Fromm asserts in his book The Art of Loving that love entails effort to develop knowledge, responsibility, and commitment. We should be eager to learn about others’ wants, needs, and feelings and provide encouragement and support. We enjoy their happiness and try not to hurt them.
When we love, we show an active interest in their life and development. We try to understand their experience and worldview even though it may differ from our own. Caring involves providing attention, respect, support, compassion and acceptance. We must devote the necessary time and discipline. Romantic love can develop into love, but narcissists do not have the drive to truly know and understand others.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.” Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy. Hence, their ability to respond appropriately emotionally and express care and concern is significantly impaired.
Related: 10 Ways To Heal (And Move On) From Your Narcissist Mother
Narcissists face several obstacles to love. First, they do not see themselves or others clearly. They view people as extensions of themselves, rather than separate individuals with different needs, desires, and feelings. Second, they overestimate their emotional empathy. Third, their defenses distort their perceptions and interactions with others. They show off and withdraw to control closeness and vulnerability, project onto others unwanted negative aspects of themselves, and use denial, entitlement, and narcissistic abuse, including blame, contempt, criticism, and aggression, to ward off shame.
Perfectionistic narcissists cruelly belittle others and may attempt to destroy opponents in order to maintain their illusion of perfection. All of these issues impair a narcissist’s ability to accurately comprehend another person’s reality, including that person’s love for them. In fact, narcissists’ emotional intelligence helps them manipulate and exploit others to get what they want, while their weak emotional empathy reduces their sensitivity to the pain they inflict.
Can we measure love?
Love is difficult to measure, but research shows that people feel love expressed through: 1) words of affirmation, 2) having a good time, 3) giving gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. Another study revealed that participants also felt loved by a partner who: 1) showed interest in their affairs; 2) Provide them with emotional and moral support. (3) revealing intimate truths; 4) Expressing their feelings towards them, such as “I am happier when I am near you.” and 5) Tolerating their demands and shortcomings in order to maintain the relationship.
People who love narcissists are starved for many of these expressions of love. Sometimes, narcissists are withdrawn, dismissive, or aggressive; Other times, they show care and concern and are helpful.
This does not mean that narcissists are incapable of feeling or even intellectually understanding someone’s feelings. The problem appears to be rooted in childhood trauma and physiological deficits that affect emotional appraisal, reflection, and appropriate empathic expression. (unconscious or unexpressed: “I love you, but”); Expressed by: “I’m too busy to go to the hospital,” this sentence may seem very cold, but it may not reflect the narcissist’s love for the person being hospitalized.
They may show love when they are motivated. Their love is conditional, dependent on influence over the narcissist. My book, Dealing with a Narcissist, details how to deal with this and use it usefully in relationships with narcissists, addicts, or anyone who is highly defensive. Because narcissism exists on a continuum from mild to malignant, when it is severe, selfishness and inability to express love become more apparent when greater demands are placed on the narcissist. Dating or long-distance relationships that have lower expectations are easier.
Bottom line: Asking whether a narcissist loves you is the wrong question. Although it is wise to understand the mind of the narcissist, like Eco in the Narcissus myth, partners become overly focused on the narcissist to their detriment.
Instead, ask yourself if you feel valued, respected, and cared for. Are you getting your needs met? If not, how does it affect you and your self-esteem and what can you do about it?
Related: Strong Women LOVE Selfies (Because Confidence Is NOT Narcissistic)
