Understanding the truth about narcissistic personality disorder can help you understand what it really is, rather than believing facts and incorrect descriptions. So, what is NPD or what is narcissism really?
The truth about narcissistic personality disorder
What therapists know about narcissism you should know.
Every now and then, a new diagnostic label pops into the collective consciousness and people start using it (and misusing it) as a synonym for bad behavior.
This year’s naming seems to be “narcissistic”. I thought it might be helpful to clarify what mental health professionals mean when they talk about narcissism.
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is the name for a series of coping strategies that began as an adaptation to a childhood family situation that left the person with unstable self-esteem, an inability to regulate self-esteem without external validation, and decreased empathy.
As with the three main categories of personality disorders — borderline, narcissistic, and schizoid — people with NPD also lack “whole object relations” and “object persistence.”
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Relationships of the Whole Things
This is the ability to see oneself and others in a stable, integrated way that recognizes both the good and bad qualities of a person.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Object Persistence
This is the ability to maintain a positive emotional connection with someone you love while being angry, hurt, frustrated, or frustrated with their behavior.
Without “whole object relations” and “object immutability”, people with NPD can only see themselves and others in one of two ways: they are either special, unique, omnipotent, perfect, and fulfilled (high status); Or it is defective, worthless, rubbish (low status).
This means that a person with narcissism issues cannot hold onto their good opinion and good feelings about someone, once they notice that the other person has a flaw. The other person goes from being special and putting them on a pedestal to devaluing them as “nothing special.”
Narcissists often swing back and forth between these two things. When they feel good about you (or more accurately, you make them feel good about themselves), they see that you are special.
Then you do something he doesn’t like, like say “no” to one of their requests, and all of a sudden you’re now nasty and worthless.
Later, you might do something that makes them feel good again, and they come back again to see you as special.
Types of narcissistic personality disorder
Ordinary narcissism versus pathological narcissism
Unfortunately, in English, the word “narcissism” has come to mean two very different things, depending on whether it is used formally as a diagnosis, as in the case of NPD, or informally as a synonym for positive self-esteem.
I am often asked, “Isn’t a little narcissism healthy and normal?” I’d like to make this distinction clear before I continue.
Related: The Calm Before The Storm: Recognizing The Hidden Stages Of Abuse In Relationships
Normal, healthy narcissism
This is a realistic feeling of positive self-esteem that is based on a person’s actual accomplishments. It is relatively stable because the person has absorbed into their self-image the successes that have come as a result of their actual hard work overcoming real-life obstacles.
Because it is based on real accomplishments, normal, healthy narcissism is relatively impervious to the slight humiliations and setbacks that we all experience along the way in life.
Ordinary narcissism pushes us to take care of ourselves, and to do things that are in our true self-interest and is associated with true self-esteem. One can think of it as something inside of us.
Defensive pathological narcissism
This is a defense against feeling inferior. The person wears the mask of arrogant superiority in an attempt to convince the world that they are special.
Inside, the person feels insecure about their actual self-worth. This interface of superiority is so thin, that it resembles a helium balloon – and one small biopsy will deflate it. This makes the person hypersensitive to minor insults that a person with healthy narcissism would not notice.
Instead, a person with this type of defensive narcissism is easily wounded, often takes any form of disagreement as a serious criticism, and is more likely to lash out and devalue anyone they think they disagree.
They are always on their guard trying to protect their prestige. Pathological narcissism can be thought of as a protective shield on the outside.
When I talk about “narcissism” in this article, I am talking about the pathological and defensive narcissistic strategies that people with narcissistic personality disorder have developed to deal with life that began as an adaptation to their childhood experience, not a “healthy” inner self-esteem.
Why is defensive narcissism unhealthy?
Having NPD is like always living life on the defensive. If you are a narcissist, your self-esteem is always on the line. They tend to get offended and criticized when there is no intention of insult or criticism. Plus you lack emotional empathy.
You feel no pain when you hurt others, or if you do, it is much less than the average person would.
As a result, your sensitivity is one-way: you might lash out at another person for the slightest mistake or even for using the wrong word while knowing in your heart that person might die right in front of you and all you would feel is annoyed by the inconvenience.
Related: 9 Ways Your Partner Uses Guilt Trips You To Get What They Want
All of this makes it difficult for narcissists to maintain serious intimate relationships beyond the initial stages of a relationship for the following reasons:
They are constantly trying to prove that they are superior.
They tend to misunderstand and overreact to other people’s behavior.
They are very selfish.
They lack empathy for other people’s feelings.
They are ready to belittle and humiliate others.
Red flags for narcissistic personality disorder
Although the diagnosis is best left to mental health professionals, there are some common signs of defensive and pathological narcissism that the average person can learn to recognize.
I think these are “red flags for narcissistic personality disorder”.
- The state of consciousness
Narcissists make statements that show they are very aware of the signs of the condition and often draw attention to their situation or that of others.
They might make comments, such as: “Do you know how rich he is?” “Every important person in town will be at that benefit party. I must be there or everyone will think I didn’t value the invitation.”
- Hierarchical thinking
They place every person, place, and thing that catches their eye in a hierarchy from lowest to highest according to some marker of status that they value.
People, they tend to be very respectful and kind to those people whom they consider above them. Those they consider below, look down on them, mistreat them, ignore them, or kindly sympathize with good treatment depending on their mood.
They tend to get into fights for control with people roughly on their level and have trouble with the idea that anyone could be their equal. Their hierarchical thinking and focus on status leads them to make constant comparisons about everything.
In these comparisons, one thing will be marked as better (higher in the hierarchy) than the other. They are likely to spark their speech with references to where people are about their place in some hierarchy, such as: “I belong to a club that is more private than it is now.” “I scored higher on my SATs than hers.”
To the narcissist, nothing has inherent value apart from their status. Therefore, the value of anything and everyone can and will change as their current state in the narcissist’s reference group changes.
- Single mentality
True narcissists can only see things from their perspective. This is similar to how young children see the world. They cannot understand how two people can have different, but equally valid views.
If they offer their point of view and you offer a different one, they assume you are telling them they are wrong. They will likely act as if you are attacking them, rather than just giving your opinion.
They will show you the source of the problem. You’ll likely hear statements like, “Why do you always have to disagree with everything I say?”
- Hypersensitivity to Slate
They are very sensitive to feeling humiliated or mistreated in any way. They assume that if they feel hurt, the other person is doing it on purpose.
In their eyes, they are always the innocent victim and the other person is the hostile perpetrator. Their language is: “How could you do that to me?” (Fill in the blank with anything from a restaurant hostess to give them a table you least favored to say something in public that they decided to show them in a less-than-perfect light.)
- Disproportionate anger
People with narcissistic personality disorder get very angry at things that seem very simple to most people, like waiting an extra ten minutes for a table at a restaurant.
The degree of their anger and hurt will seem very disproportionate to the actual situation. For example, your new friend wants you to wear a special sexy dress for the party where you are going to meet his friends.
You forgot to get the dress from the cleaners and plan to wear something else instead. He gets angry at you and starts yelling and threatening you, “I’m not taking you to meet my friends if you’re wearing that!”
- Grandiosity and devaluation
I call this the “God” defense. When something makes them feel inferior or inferior, they become grandios, insist on their omnipotence, and devalue others.
They may make statements that sound like they’re joking or simply exaggerating, such as: “I could easily do my boss’s job better than he. In fact, I could do his boss’s job! I know exactly what to do. They’re all bunch of idiots!”
Unfortunately, narcissists are not joking or simply exaggerating when they say things like this. They become grandiose and understated in order to shore up their shaky self-esteem.
- Extreme language
Everything and everyone is either perfect, special, or the best, or the worst of all. There is nothing in between. Anyone who gets mad at him automatically becomes “the worst possible human being in the world.”
Cheryl described her recent boyfriend to her new boyfriend this way: “He’s changed. I thought he was a good, decent person when I met him, but I was wrong. He was a disgusting, abusive, violent person. I should have stopped him.”
That would be believable were it not for the fact that Cheryl described her other three boyfriends the same way. Either Cheryl is the world’s worst character judge, or she lacks “full object relations” and goes from seeing a person as good to bad once she sees any flaws.
- Decreased empathy
They say and do things that hurt others without caring about causing the pain. Sometimes they are oblivious to other people’s reactions because they are so focused on themselves.
If you point out that they said something to hurt you, they’ll likely sneer, “I didn’t mean it that way. You’re so sensitive,” or turn around and bluntly attack you, “Only a moron like you would think that’s an insult.”
- Harsh descriptions of people
Many narcissistic people use language that others consider cruel and inappropriate. They say things out loud that other people might think, but hold them back for fear of hurting someone.
“I can’t believe someone as fat as she is wearing this dress and thinking it makes her look good.” Or, “This is the dumbest bartender I’ve ever seen.”
- Narcissistic people don’t apologize or admit mistakes
Narcissists build a defensive façade to protect their shaky self-esteem. They don’t have enough self-respect to admit mistakes and apologize without feeling more ashamed than they can handle.
They also believe on a deep, sometimes unconscious level, that if they admit that they are not as perfect as they pretend to be, the other person will take the confession as an opportunity to insult and humiliate them.
