At first, narcissists are often charming, fun, and supportive. True colors only appear after a partner invests in the relationship. However, by this time, the narcissist has usually manipulated the partner into believing that they are the problem.
As a therapist, I observe people who go around in a relationship for years, unaware that they are dealing with a narcissist. Master narcissists justify their actions and unfairly blame others. Because the narcissist is adept at creating a positive public image of himself, the treatment the person receives behind closed doors is inconsistent with the narcissist’s worldview. Often, this causes confusion. Oscillation between kindness and meanness also gives the narcissist the opportunity to camouflage his abuse and trap the person in an additional cycle of self-doubt.
Although narcissism is often considered a defense mechanism and, in very small doses, a natural human tendency, the true narcissist is governed by his or her narcissism. The defense mechanism is a powerful and ever-present force that protects the narcissist from any blow to himself. Unable to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that a close relationship elicits, he uses a myriad of defenses. This defensive set prevents him from resolving conflict appropriately, and is a telltale sign of a narcissist. Three tendencies indicate that the individual has narcissistic tendencies and is unable to deal with interpersonal conflicts.
First, he or she deviates. The response to even moderate confrontation and support is either anger or withdrawal, usually followed by excuses and justifications. He or she constantly assumes a straight and innocent attitude and fails to see the situation authentically from the partner’s perspective. The lack of personal accountability is astonishing and notable.
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Second, they do the project. The unscrupulous narcissist manages to turn the situation around and shift the blame onto the other person. This takes the focus away from the original issue and gives the narcissist an opportunity to level accusations at the person he has the “gall” to confront. Regaining control by launching an unfair attack is usually a narcissist’s maneuver.
Third, the narcissist often plays the victim when confronted. He or she feigns hardship in order to justify his or her mistakes. Using past trauma as a license to hurt someone or avoid unpleasant consequences is manipulative but common for narcissists. Trying to take advantage of a partner’s sympathy and escape “hot water” can also be routine.
For example, Lisa invites her partner, Ron, to an important work event. Ron declines the invitation because he has several deadlines that day. Lisa arrives home and assumes Ron is working late. She is surprised when Ron walks through the door wearing racquetball gear. In pain, she tries to remain calm and convince herself that there is a reasonable explanation. Ron guns in the fridge and doesn’t offer an explanation. Lisa approaches him and expresses her disappointment.
“Really!? Am I required to go to your work events? You’re so controlling, Lisa! Do you realize how stressed I get at work? You have no idea. I need to blow off steam. I think you need to talk to someone about this,” Ron angrily responds. Your controlling tendencies and insecurities.
In this example, Ron evades accountability, plays the victim, and unfairly places blame on Lisa. Lisa has two options. The first is to continue trying to help Ron see the situation from her perspective. But this perpetuates the argument and provides Ron additional opportunities to attack it. The second option is to agree with Ron and blame herself. Either way, Lisa walks away more broken than ever.
The second narcissistic response is expulsion. Ron skips this issue entirely. When Lisa approaches Ron and expresses her displeasure, Ron says smugly, “The guys needed me tonight. They wouldn’t be able to play without me. Don’t start,” as he wanders off to the next room to watch television. Lisa feels insignificant, angry and lonely.
Alternatively, let’s assume that Ron is not a narcissist. He may be defensive at first, but he eventually views the situation from Lisa’s perspective, understands the hurt he has suffered, and feels genuine remorse for disappointing Lisa. “I’m so sorry, Lisa. I was selfish and hurt you. I’m really sorry. When is your next work event? I’ll be there to support you. I’m so proud of you and I love you.” The experience of regret is painful and reminds Ron to avoid making the same mistake again. In the future, Ron attends Enthusiastically Lisa’s important work functions.
Being in a relationship with someone who is unable to admit fault, address issues, and mend the ruptures in the relationship is frustrating, painful, and isolating. Trust disappears and resentment grows. As a person is systematically attacked for feeling that their partner does not love them, their sense of self diminishes. Although the narcissist may have some redeemable qualities, the damage to a person’s dignity, self-worth, and overall happiness may be too much.
