When I was thirteen, in eighth grade, I became the victim of a spiritual abuser. I just didn’t realize it for years. I attended confirmation classes at my church, sang in the choir, rang bells in the bell choir, and participated in youth group. Excited for the Lord, I led my youth group in a twenty-four hour prayer vigil. But I was also weak and confused. Too tall, too fast, too prone to saying the wrong thing, I was carrying a whole host of insecurities. So when my mother’s friend and prayer partner (I’ll call her Gladys) cornered me one day after babysitting her kids for the afternoon, I had few defenses against any spiritual authority. After all, my mother trusted her and seemed to respect her spiritually. I didn’t realize at the time that she was a spiritual abuser. See here for signs of abuse.
I remember standing outside her house on a warm, sunny day in Southern California, staring at the foxglove flowers in her front yard. Foxglove is beautiful and handsome. Gladys was attractive and wealthy. She claimed to be prophetic and often wrote long words from the Lord to others.
“Alice, I want to talk to you,” she said. She said this quickly and looked at me sternly. I waited silently.
“The Lord told me about you,” she said. Her face is set in strict lines. I didn’t quite know what to say. I had never heard of God doing that before. I knew that God speaks to people. After all, I thought I heard his voice sometimes. But he never talked to me about my abusive friends. Talking to Gladys about me scared me so much. I was immediately scared. The look on her face said it was no good.
“He’s disappointed in you. You’re not living as you should,” Gladys said. Her face arranged itself into a sad expression. “You need to change,” she added. Then my mother stopped and got into the car. I didn’t tell my mother at the time. I was devastated. Horrified and ashamed that God had revealed this to my mother’s best friend I spent days combing my life for sin.
I concluded that God had disappointed me with who I was, not because of any specific sins.
I, who had loved God since I was six years old, had disappointed God. He was ashamed of me.
It took me almost a decade to regain a sense of God’s love for me. Spiritual abuse is couched in religious terms. Abusers take the Lord’s name in vain and in very dangerous ways. They claim that he said things that do not agree with what the Word of God says. In the end, they take his name in vain, and claim words and deeds on his behalf as their own. The damage done can permanently separate innocent hearts from the love of God.
Here are some of the lies about God that spiritual abuse seeks to spread:
1: Spiritual abuse means that God is untrustworthy.
Spiritual abusers often position themselves as a mediator, inserting themselves into your relationship with God. May God pour dust on them from you. Prophetic words are to advise, guide and encourage the believer. But by positioning themselves as God’s chosen accusers, spiritual abusers undermine the believer’s faith and attempt to position themselves as God’s mouthpiece. In general, the Holy Spirit convicts our hearts of sin without condemnation, but with insistence. Abuse is always isolating. God is for reconciliation.
2: God is angry, disappointed, or ashamed of you.
While God hates sin, He loves the sinner deeply. He is not disappointed or ashamed of you, even when you make mistakes. I wish I had understood this earlier in my life. I approach God boldly, as His daughter, because I am loved unconditionally. The thought of an angry God overwhelms me. How could I hope to stand, let alone plead with an angry God? God loves us. He loves us. His desire is to be with us. This image of a disappointed God separates the believer from the truth.
3: In spiritual abuse, God is often the snitch.
Abusive PinI believe in the gift of knowledge. However, when God reveals something to us about others, it is because we are called to either pray for them, or to participate in liberating that person from bondage. I received a prophetic word from a visiting pastor once when I was a single mother. My ex-boyfriend was threatening all kinds of terrible things. I lived in terror of losing my children. This priest came to me and looked into my eyes, knowing nothing about me, and said clearly: “What you fear most will not come to you.” And at that moment the fear left me. God told her I was afraid and gave her the word that set me free. God is not a story. It reveals the truth in absolute love. I got custody in time.
4: God is as severe as the offender.
While we all tend to remake God in our image, the spiritual abuser claims to have a special relationship with God. God is in a good or bad mood depending on the mood of the person who claims inappropriate authority in your life. God, as presented by the abuser, is unpredictable and insecure. He’s delighted one moment and stormy the next. Gladys was rather skittish. She knew this from her interactions with her children. Thus, it reflected a view of God that was similarly volatile.
5: God takes care of it.
Sometimes I wish God was more in control. But he is absolute in his gift of free will. I can honestly say that God never made me do anything. He strongly motivates, suggests, and even instructs, but he sets the Ten Commandments as ground rules. It establishes principles such as the golden rule. But he does not force. A spiritual abuser will use God to make threats if you do not comply with his authority. Abusers seek power. But we obey God because our motive is love, not fear.
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Arbitrary power is common in this world. But a solid foundation in revealing God’s character through Scripture and through a real experiential relationship with God gives us discernment. But remember to check what those in authority are teaching your children about God. I forgave Gladys a long time ago because I am free to forgive through the gift of God’s forgiveness of my sins. But if you find yourself feeling separated from God because of the leaders in your life, it may be time to find new ones.
Jesus answered: “And you, experts in the law, woe to you! for you burden people with burdens that they cannot bear, and you do not lift a finger to help them.” Luke 11:46
But now he has reconciled you through the body of Christ through death, to present you as saints before him, without blemish or accusation, if you continue firmly in the faith and do not move from the hope that is in the Gospel. .