the main points
Narcissists are grandiose personalities with almost no capacity for self-reflection.
Those who are defensive narcissists worry about becoming narcissists and are hypervigilant about anything that focuses on themselves.
People who defend narcissism often grow up with a narcissist in their family.
A person who is being narcissistically defensive can begin to become self-conscious by focusing on their reactions and limitations rather than on the narcissist.
I’ve recently noticed a rise in social media on the topic of narcissism and I’ve realized that there has been a lot said in recent years about narcissism, but almost nothing about the people who defend them being narcissists. Most people have never heard this term before.
First, let’s talk about the difference between these two characters.
Related:
Narcissism Vs. Being defensive of a narcissist
Narcissism
Narcissistic people cannot think for themselves. They are great personalities and have a greatly inflated view of their intelligence and abilities, constantly criticize others, and have a largely negative view of everyone else.
The very things they criticize in others are denied aspects of themselves, which they project onto others without realizing they are doing so, when in fact their criticisms can be viewed as unconscious admissions of their shortcomings.
They largely consider themselves victims of those who would rightly accuse them of lacking empathy for others and lash out angrily whenever they are criticized. They become victim makers — “I’m the most persecuted person in history” or even “You never call me.”
They never consider themselves responsible for any negative experiences they may have caused. Anything that does not fit their view of themselves is “fake news.”
I believe that these people are born this way and are unlikely to change.
#Narcissistically motivated
This is a term that many therapists know but few others do. Ironically, most psychological research is about narcissists and not their victims, which is similar to research that imitates life.
The narcissist gets all the attention, and his victims get little.
Narcissistically defensive people often come from families in which they have suffered insults from one or more narcissistic family members. They worry that they share these traits and become hypervigilant about anything that focuses on themselves.
They, unlike narcissists, worry that they might be narcissists too and are quick to apologize for most criticism that comes their way.
When they are criticized for being arrogant, for example, they may be willing to say: “Well, maybe you’re right. Let me think about that.” Upon reflection, they may believe that although the criticism is unfounded, they may accept accountability even though they do not believe they deserve it.
They are not victims. Rather, they are the real victims of the narcissistic abusers in their lives. In their past, they were erased, unheard, and silenced.
When they encounter a situation where they feel this is happening, they can have a huge emotional reaction because they remember how they tried and failed to be seen or heard in their family.
Related:
#Family dynamics
When the person being narcissistically defended grew up in a family with one or more narcissistic parents, the spotlight is often on him, which means that when he brings up the obvious fact that the parent never acknowledges his or her accomplishments—his school grades are never posted on the refrigerator, Their successes in sport are ignored, or parents may not even notice they are gone – they are met with: “What are you talking about? We gave you a roof over your head, clothed you, and fed you, and now you say we have neglected you? Are you crazy?”
The parent(s) are in denial about reality and have no empathy for the pain they have caused. As an adult, a person may discover that parents do not know or care about their career or life achievements. Psychiatrists call this behavior “benign neglect.”
#goldenchild
Often, in such a family, one finds that there is a “golden child,” a child who is favored by the parent(s) over others.
This kid can do no wrong. They get privileges that others do not get. If he or she does something harmful to other siblings, the act is dismissed as ridiculous jealousy, or the harm is imagined. The golden child then becomes immersed in the parents’ narcissism and works hard to live up to the parents’ expectations.
They must work hard to please parents, always look good, and be obedient to parents to be seen as successful, only to realize later in life that others—bosses, co-workers, spouses—don’t hold them back. Same estimate.
Away from his family, the golden child never gets the attention he always thought he deserved. Unfortunately, they are set up to fail and often feel like they are making their way in life, putting on a good face and confident demeanor despite feeling like they are not good enough or successful enough.
Related:
#The invisible person in the treatment room
In therapy, narcissistically defensive people sometimes have difficulty understanding their behavior or feelings of unworthiness. They are the victims of the narcissist’s hidden crime.
There is an invisible narcissist with them in the therapy room.
They don’t think much about what their parents did to them — such as obvious sexual or verbal abuse or neglect — but rather they will say, “I can’t put my finger on why I felt abused. I was clothed and fed, and I had a roof over my head. So why should I complain?”
For these people, treatment can take much longer because they carry a lot of emotion and empathy for their narcissistic parents or siblings, while the parents carry none.
#Be aware
When the person who is being narcissistically defended begins to wake up—that is, become aware of what has happened to them—there are things they can do to begin to pull themselves out of the dilemma.
The first thing is to stop focusing on the narcissist who hurt them and start focusing on their reactions.
There is no discovery or change for the narcissist, so one must focus on his or her reactions and boundaries. When you feel a big reaction coming, this is a clue to what the hurt is and where it came from.
Then, instead of giving in to reacting in the usual way by dodging or apologizing, you can take the opportunity to speak up and express how you feel regardless of the narcissist’s denial. The more you talk, the more you can control your reactions.
You can also step back and take some time to think about what triggered you.
Then, without expecting a positive reaction from the narcissist, state your boundaries loud and clear.
For example, if sexual assault is part of the equation, you can clearly state that any personal touching is prohibited. The narcissist may easily forget these boundaries and continue to violate them, but now you are telling the truth, and the more you do, the better you will feel.
However, realize that a narcissist may do what you say if he cares enough about the relationship with you or others in your orbit, but only because it serves him. Remember, you can’t change it.
Finally, when I started talking about narcissism and narcissistic defensiveness in some of my TikTok videos, I felt confident to say to my viewers: “If you made it to the end of this video, you are not a narcissist. It may have been narcissistically defensive, but a true narcissist would not have enough ability to… Self-reflection to get this far. Keep up the good work!”
