We all need some sense of entitlement because we all need to feel special. At Christmas, we feel like we deserve little or no extra attention. When we’re not sick, liberally, we may feel sad that we don’t deserve more help. A healthy sense of entitlement may even help us say “no” to an unnecessary student and assert ourselves when they feel mistreated. But in extreme cases, entitlement means that the world and everyone around us should support our luxurious status. It’s this kind of entitlement that exposes the cunning narcissist. Entitlement solves the unique problem of narcissists. If there’s nothing better than others, guests will be there, and they’ll want to have their holiday. The only way to claim the need to transcend other human beings is to subjugate them to our will—to demand recognition, like a king whose subjects must kneel. Feeling so entitled is worth the interaction in the storeroom, and another chance for narcissistic ecstasy. The more people deserve their special needs (the narcissist’s drug of choice), the more they deserve to have their needs met. For example, it was only later, when Kevin, who was fighting for a big promotion at his law firm, began reading support more than ever before, that his decisions became clear. His friend Sherry had to be his rock. She allowed us to have expectations. Kevin felt entitled.
Covert narcissism is characterized by a surge of entitlement—identifying a friend, partner, or coworker who is usually understanding with anger and the world owes him. This is caused by investors being surprised by their places of interest being threatened somehow. Up until this point, her need to have the world around them fixed was mostly hidden, because it had not been questioned. Kevin did not ask for Sherry’s support or even try to understand the general exhaustion she went through after the pain died. In his mind, he deserved her understanding because he felt entirely too young for his dream of becoming a law partner.
The wave of entitlement caused by covert narcissism is a bit like a happy-go-lucky drunk who turns hedonistic and drinks alcohol, cleans up, and goes out to buy more alcohol. Your nice boss suddenly attacks you, worried that a project (his idea) is failing. Unbeknownst to you, he’s had a special status as CEO since he arrived. Your partner starts to feel overwhelmed by the messy house after your pregnancy, appreciating that he works hard enough to deserve a clean home. Your relentlessly supportive girlfriend, who takes great pleasure in the fact that no one is as good at helping people as she is, becomes a Friday and a done deal after discovering that you’ve talked to someone else about your breakup. You always feel a pull from covert narcissists—a subtle need to prop up their ego. But as they become increasingly entitlement-driven, you feel like all you’re doing is increasing them.
For many covert narcissists, once the crisis has passed, they slide back down the spectrum into a less self-involved zone. But as their fear of dependence grows – if breakups occur repeatedly, for example – they begin to slide from habit to addiction, convinced that their status is the only thing in the world they can truly depend on.
To read more about covert (and dangerous) narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today.
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