We all need a little entitlement every now and then, just like we need to feel special every now and then. On birthdays, we feel entitled to a little attention or extra attention. Likewise, when we get sick, we may feel entitled to more help. Healthy entitlement may help us say “no” to unreasonable demands and assert ourselves when we feel mistreated. But entitlement at its extreme is a persistent attitude that the world and everyone around us should support our elevated status. This type of entitlement is what empowers covert narcissists.
Entitlement solves a unique problem for the narcissist. Convincing ourselves that we are better than others requires that other people exist, and that they have free will of their own. The only way to support the constant need to be superior to other human beings is to subject them to our will—to demand recognition, like a king who forces his subjects to their knees. Excessive entitlement turns everyday interactions into drugs, another opportunity for narcissistic euphoria. The more a person relies on feeling special (the narcissist’s drug of choice), the more deserving they are of helping them get their needs met. Only later, for example, when Kevin, seeking a big promotion at his law firm, needed more support than ever, did his problems become apparent. His girlfriend Sherri had to be his rock. The need has become an expectation. Kevin felt entitled.
Covert narcissism is characterized by heightened entitlement—those moments when a normally understanding friend, partner, or coworker acts angrily as if the world owes him. It is usually caused by a sudden fear that their own status has been threatened in some way. Up until this point, their need for the world to revolve around them has mostly remained secret, because it has never been questioned. Kevin didn’t ask for Sherri’s support or even try to understand how difficult the year she had been after her mother’s death. In his mind, he deserved her full understanding because he felt so close to his dream of becoming a law partner.
The entitlement wave of covert narcissism is a bit like the happy drunk who suddenly becomes grouchy, straightens out, cleans out the liquor cabinets, and sets off to buy more liquor. Your usually friendly boss suddenly explodes in your face, concerned that the latest project (his idea) has failed. Unbeknownst to you, he has secretly had plans to become CEO ever since he arrived. Your partner starts complaining about a messy home after pregnancy, and feels like he’s working hard enough that he deserves to come home to a clean house. Your relentlessly supportive girlfriend, who secretly feels that no one is as good at helping people as she is, turns cold and abrasive after she finds out you confided in someone else about your breakup. You always feel attracted to covert narcissists, a subtle feeling that you need to prop up their ego. But after they get a huge increase in benefits, you feel like all you’re doing is boosting them.
For many cunning narcissists, once the crisis is over, they slip back into a less self-involved zone. But the more they become afraid of relying on people—if they have frequent breakups, for example—the more they begin to slide from habit into addiction, convinced that their own situation is the only thing in the world they can truly depend on.
