Home should be a place of comfort, security, and unconditional love. Home is where children learn, grow and develop their identities. Ideally, it is a place where they should feel supported and cared for by their family.
Unfortunately, for many children, home is anything but perfect. Within the confines of the white walls, trouble lurks. Likewise, this toxic environment can make even the most beautiful home look like a prison. And when the home feels so insecure and miserable, children are vulnerable to adverse childhood experiences that can affect them for the rest of their lives.
No secure facility
We enter this world completely defenseless. We don’t know how to take care of ourselves. We do not understand our own needs, and we cannot live without adult supervision. We depend on our caregivers to provide these basic necessities. Thus, in early childhood, nothing can really replace the bond between caregiver and child.
In healthy, loving homes, our caregivers are sensitive and attuned to our needs. They give us confirmation. They respond to our physical needs (changing diapers, feeding us, and taking care of us when we’re sick). Moreover, they also align with our emotional needs. They provide a sense of security and validation in this new world that we are meant to navigate.
Unfortunately, in toxic home environments, caregivers do not adequately meet the needs of their children. Physical neglect is one thing (and a very dangerous thing at that!), but the toll of emotional neglect can be even more insidious. Because the parent is often preoccupied with dealing with their own emotional needs, there is less support for the child.
As a result, the child may grow up feeling insecure, anxious, or even abandoned. He or she may feel distrustful of others. This lack of a secure attachment makes it difficult for children to feel that they can safely count on people to truly be there for them in times of trouble.
Structure does not exist or is inconsistent
Structure is the cornerstone of healthy development, and all children need boundaries. They need to know their limits to maneuver their way around the world.
In healthy environments, parents create and enforce appropriate boundaries for their children. These limits are not meant to be punitive or spiteful. A good border is inscribed with love, intention, and protection. They are straightforward and enforceable, and healthy parents remain consistent in their implementation. As a result, children grow up and learn to respect the needs of others.
In toxic homes, boundaries tend to be either non-existent or wildly inconsistent. The child does not know what mood the parent will be in that day. One day, a rule will apply. Next, it won’t happen.
Sometimes a child is allowed to “play the show” and set their own guidelines. As these children grow up, they often struggle with rebellion against authority. They do not know who or how to trust others. They’re so hungry for guidance, they’re desperate to hang on to something–even if that thing is downright toxic.
Poor modeling of healthy relationships
When we think of adverse childhood experiences, we often think of overt displays of abuse. However, parental modeling can be just as important in shaping a child’s well-being.
When children observe happy, healthy parents, they learn about the basic principles of respect and love. They understand how adults should treat each other – even during times of stress or conflict. Parents play a critical role in directly and indirectly modeling how adults should communicate and interact with one another.
But what if the parents are always arguing or insulting each other? What happens if a parent is physically or emotionally toxic? What if children grow up witnessing constant criticism, blame, and intense conflict?
They tend to struggle in intimate relationships themselves. This adverse childhood experience often leads children to repeat these ugly cycles in their adult lives. They will often choose partners who are similar to one or more of their caregivers. They may become abusers or victims of abuse. Although they do not desperately want to become their parents, they run the risk of becoming just like their parents.
Identity development stalled
Kids start exploring their preferences and passions from a young age. One day, they announced that they wanted to become astronauts. After that, they plan to be a doctor. This experimentation is normal. Children enjoy expressing themselves – they interact with the world around them with curiosity and insight.
In healthy homes, parents encourage this authentic exploration. In other words, they show interest in their children’s lives. They ask questions without judgment, and embrace a child’s cheerful spirit. While it’s normal to have some preferences for what your child does and doesn’t do, these parents don’t enforce those expectations.
However, in toxic environments, one or both parents may be strict with their children. They have ideas about what the child will and will not do. They may criticize, make fun of, laugh at, or outright refuse the child from pursuing certain interests. If the child is pursuing interests outside the strict rules, the parents may react with hostility and threat.
This rigidity can be detrimental to identity formation. Children can experience a tremendous sense of shame and low self-esteem. The child may grow up trying to “please the parent.” Likewise, he may have difficulty distinguishing between individual needs and those of others.
Broken trust
Toxic environments (such as those in which a parent is high on the narcissistic spectrum) tend to breed broken trust, which tends to compound vulnerability to adverse childhood experiences.
Without trust, the home is simply not safe. It becomes a place to stay – not a place to care.
Children need to trust their parents – implicitly and explicitly. After all, they depend on their parents for the basic necessities of life. They need to feel that they can count on them. Even as children get older, that confidence is still important. Tweens and teens need to know that their parents love them — even if they are rebellious, breaking up with each other, or spending more time with friends.
In toxic homes, people don’t trust each other. Parents do not trust their children, children do not trust their parents, and parents often do not trust each other. It is an ongoing cycle of shame, fear, and resentment.
Children in these families often grow up feeling neglected and unloved. They may be desperate for the approval of others. With this sense of emptiness, they may spend their adult lives looking for that love in other people or things.
Protect your children from bad childhood experiences
As a parent, you want the right thing to be done by your children. You love them and want to provide them with the best life possible.
However, when you choose to stay with an abusive or toxic partner, you put your child’s safety and well-being at risk. You choose to accept the outrageous negative behavior. And this choice can have serious consequences for your children.
