In Genesis, Cain, the first narcissist, kills his brother Abel in a fit of envious rage. In the modern psychological “bible” (DSM-5), the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder include “frequently envying others or believing that others envy him or her.”
The link between envy (wishing/demanding envy of oneself and/or compulsively envying others) and narcissism was recognized long before it was confirmed in formal psychological research. This connection between envy and narcissism highlights the fundamental importance of shame management in narcissism.
Shame and envy are familiar emotions. When we feel shame, we experience a diminished awareness of our basic inadequacy, failure, or badness. There is a universal sense of not living up to implicit moral standards. The person who feels shame wants to hide or avoid scrutiny, or to blame others for the shortcomings.
When we feel envy, attention shifts to an external object or focus. Perhaps someone else’s wealth, success, accomplishments, or happiness arouse our envy. We feel anger, distress, and resentful longing when compared to those we do not measure up to. In the primeval case of Cain, his envy was aroused to murderous fury when he felt that God’s response to Abel’s sacrifice was more appropriate than his own.
Any parent who has brought a newborn to an older child in the family experiences firsthand the nature of envy in childhood. Sibling rivalry associated with envy is perfectly normal, and rarely escalates to biblical proportions. Childhood envy is often associated with simple perceptions of injustice, perhaps in terms of parental attention or treatment. By adulthood, instances of envy, though unpleasant, are manageable.
What Makes a Narcissist Different?
The Role of Envy in Narcissistic Personalities
Narcissism develops within a personality structure organized to avoid contact with shame. In apparent defiance of shame, there is an increased focus on maintaining an inflated sense of self-worth. Although narcissism is protective, it comes at a psychological cost. Not only does preoccupation with self-enhancement take effort and energy, but desperately maintaining a positive self-concept wastes a great deal of the ability to realistically care about the needs, actions, or feelings of others.
In hypothetical grandeur situations, the narcissistic mind may drift into a web of comforting illusions in which he or she is the center of attention and admiration. Envy is more likely to capture such a person’s attention than someone who is truly comfortable in his or her own skin. Seeing someone display a trait, possession, or level of esteem that eludes you, or encountering someone who seems immune to some depressing quality that you are mentally trying to keep away from you, is disturbing and unsettling. For narcissists, people can be broadly divided into two groups: the targets of their envy and the real or imagined sources of envious envy from others. While narcissists attract and recruit sources of envious self-interest and admiration, this display of ego satisfaction is rarely enough. On the horizon are people with qualities that are worthy of the narcissist’s envy. There is a growing excitement and sense of inflated status when you are around people of envied status. Often, narcissists will try to form friendships or acquaintances with people they envy. For example, a narcissist who feels insecure about his or her lack of financial success may seek to be surrounded by people who are wealthier than him or her. The unconscious goal is to integrate, possess, control, or identify with the status or qualities he or she envies.
But along with this self-enhancing identification comes a painful sense of frustration. Why does he or she have all this? Why don’t I have it? This mobilizes the hostile and bitter component of envious emotion, where the object of envy needs to be diminished in order to reduce the distance between self and other. For narcissists, this gap can provoke what is called “narcissistic injury,” a poignant reminder of the shameful inadequacy that the narcissist is desperately trying to deny.
Tastes of Narcissistic Envy in Psychotherapy
Inexperienced psychotherapists often feel uncomfortable working with narcissistic patients. They are uncomfortable with power dynamics, and tend to avoid exploring risky transactions that might require tolerating the patient’s envy. However, my experience suggests that such a patient often communicates more deeply and honestly than is possible directly about who, what, and how they envy. They may otherwise have only limited access to a strictly guarded inner world.
For example, “ideal therapist envy” might be expressed as a narcissistic patient examining his credentials on the office wall and commenting, “Well, we look like we have a bright career future, Doctor.” Here the patient may be expressing malignant fears of failure, instilled in childhood, generally hidden beneath a compensatory veneer of adult grandiosity. This might allow the therapist to ask, “Do you sometimes worry about your future?”
On the other hand, a statement at the end of the session, such as, “Now you’re going to go to your nice house and family and forget about me, while I go back to my lonely apartment,” reveals a more hostile element of envy. The target of the anticipated rejection here is the uncaring caregiver, perhaps a sign of childhood parental neglect that had not been made explicit earlier. This might lead to a series of inquiries such as, “You wonder if it’s safe to open up to me.” In either case, important themes emerge in the context of characterizing envious therapists.
Envy highlights the human capacity to compare ourselves, in fantasy, to others who are both idealized and degraded. While animals perceive and respond to relative status, we are the only species capable of envying the success of others. For those who are preoccupied with status and self-image, envy becomes obsessive, causing an inability to acknowledge the accomplishments of children, close partners, and family members. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can assume that you are the object of envy, even if it is not directly expressed. Listen carefully.
