Many highly sensitive people have asked me why they so often end up in relationships with narcissists or other negative types of people who take advantage of us, drain our energy, and take our kindness without giving anything in return. Whether they are codependents, addicts, abusers, or narcissists, they don’t respect our boundaries, blame us, criticize us, and make us feel so bad about ourselves that we don’t have the energy to leave. So what is it about highly sensitive people and narcissists that they create such an attraction and leave such a trail of destruction?
Highly sensitive people are naturally compassionate and empathetic. We instinctively feel the pain of others and want to help. Additionally, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart to further their own ends. Highly sensitive people can feel such intense love and compassion for people that we think our love can heal others. Others are often surprised and relieved to receive so much love and understanding, and respond with immense gratitude and often compliments. Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about themselves and needed, so we give more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we have nothing left and getting nothing in return, under the mistaken belief that if we just give a little more, it will be enough. But it is never enough because the narcissist is an empty vessel, a bottomless pit of need. It is important to remember that they do not need your love. It is their own love. You will never be able to “fix” anyone. What’s more, you shouldn’t. Each person has their own path to follow and become a healthy, whole person. Everyone needs to walk that path on their own, make their own mistakes, learn to pick themselves up, and discover how to love themselves. Without these valuable lessons, a person will not have enough love to give to another person. Trying to convince a narcissist to love you is like holding a baby in your arms and waiting for them to start walking. Sometimes, being too helpful can actually hinder the other person. The person needs to learn on their own. Unfortunately, without learning to love themselves, abusive people spend their lives trying to get the love they lack from someone else. That other person is often a sensitive person because we carry compassion everywhere. But don’t let it be you. You are not responsible for someone else’s journey. What you are responsible for is your own journey, your own feelings, and your own life. You don’t need to feel good about yourself by relying on others to tell you that you are a good person, or to thank them for their help, or to make you feel needed. Relying on someone else to make you believe these things will only make you dependent, and then you will become a victim again. You need to give it all to yourself. Bring everything you need in your back pocket. Know that you are a kind and gentle person, know that you are capable of showing tremendous compassion and love, and know that you are worthy of love yourself. If the other person doesn’t reflect that in the way they treat you, it’s time to walk away.
Here are other reasons why highly sensitive people are often attracted to narcissists:
- Our giving nature means that we often put the needs of others before our own.
- We are so open that we accept other people’s things as emotional storage containers.
- If you have low self-esteem, you may overlook signs that things are not right and that you are not being treated right, thus ignoring the injuries you inflict on yourself and letting them continue.
- If you feel like a victim or have been victimized in the past, you will project that belief outward. Narcissists will pick up on that and focus on you as a target.
- Highly sensitive people’s sensitivity to other people’s feelings means that it can be wrong to say no. We believe that since we can feel them, we should do something about them. But we are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
The way to stop attracting narcissists is to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself. Here’s how:
- Set boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out people who just want something from you. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” for details on how to set and enforce your boundaries and keep negative people out of your personal space.
- Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to release your feelings and develop an awareness of your identity, feelings, and beliefs. Reread what you write over weeks or months to see how you respond to situations and you will begin to see patterns in your behavior and beliefs about yourself and your relationships.
- Learn how to use your sensitivity and empathy for good. Two of the best uses are helping others in a volunteer or charitable role and channeling it into a creative endeavor. Using your creative energy, whether in volunteering or creative ways, will help you feel grounded. You will feel connected and connected to the wider world, and that you have an essential place in it. By channeling your energy into an activity you are passionate about, you will also give yourself something positive to focus on so that you are not just focusing on giving to someone who is making demands on your energy and attention. At the same time, you will fill your life with positive feelings. Without this connection, you can feel scared, alone, afraid to let go of what is bad for you, and easily forget that you are connected to everything and that you are loved and safe.
