Being attracted to a narcissist is bad news, and if you want to avoid him, you need to take a look at the different attachment styles that make you an attractive victim to these types of men.
So, if you find yourself attracted to a narcissist, you may feel like an insect attracted to the light.
Related: 8 Ways To Deal With A Narcissistic Sociopath (Once You Realize You’re Married To One)
American singer-songwriter Aimee Mann articulates her understanding of the “narcissistic alliance” in her 2002 hit song “The Moth,” which begins with the following verse:
A butterfly doesn’t care when it sees a flame
It may get spoiled, but it’s in the game
Once he’s in, he can’t come back
He will beat his wings until he burns them black
Some scientists scratch their heads trying to understand why a butterfly always flies into flames that burn its wings. Theories range from pheromones that attract the moth to light to the theory that light acts as a directional compass for the moth, telling it where to go.
In both scenarios, the butterfly is lured by light, causing it to head toward danger without regard to the consequences ahead.
In the therapeutic field, clients who enter into relationships with a narcissist often discover that they are following the same pattern, ignoring many red flags that arise during the course of the relational journey.
The good news is that if you are one of these people, you can change the way you approach future relationships so that it will be easier to find the love you are looking for.
To start, we need to define narcissism, what it is and what it is not.
Narcissistic personality exists on a continuum that we all live on. On the one hand, there are people who can act immaturely and selfishly with a touch of OCD and can be very self-focused.
On the other hand, there are people who are truly selfless, care deeply about others and their well-being, see others as different from themselves but value these differences greatly.
Most of us lie in the middle.
As humans, we are all self-motivated to some extent, meaning that we all have our own needs in relationships and also have our own version of relational conflicts.
The problem with narcissists is that they lack empathy for others in their lives.
A person with true narcissistic behavior, in the clinical sense, can only see others as objects of his pleasure, and not as people with wants, needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings.
Instead, they exploit those wants, needs, and vulnerabilities because, for some people, they give them a false sense of power and superiority. For others, it’s fueled by a sick sense of pleasure.
No matter the motive, if you’re a metaphorical butterfly who always seems drawn to a narcissist’s flame, you know how much the wings of your heart char in the hope that your love interest will choose you over his or her own needs, wants, and desires. .
You probably also know that, although you may hope things will be different this time, in this type of relationship, you will always burn out in the end.
While many people in this predicament torture themselves trying to understand why their narcissistic partner treats them the way they do, the more important question is, why are you drawn to them like a moth to a flame?
The answer lies in your attachment style.
Your attachment style, formed early in childhood, is like a pre-programmed flight plan. It is your north direction and directs you where to go almost without thinking.
Related: Why Empaths & Narcissists Are Attracted To Each Other (And The Toxic Relationship Between Them)
For most people, your attachment style developed during your childhood and was influenced by how your parents or caregivers treated you. If you have been neglected, abused, abandoned, or hurt in other ways, you unconsciously look for this pattern in future relationships (this is like your pheromones directing you to a familiar scent).
