Narcissists control you with heavy expectations, then change course so you never meet them.

They rarely panic, but when they do—and I mean panic—it’s for good reason in their minds.

So, while you’re innocently trying to live your life and express your feelings, you’re actually putting the narcissist in their own imaginary hell.

Here’s why.

The_Valuable_Lesson_From_Narcissistic_Panic

It can be a bit like watching a child, right?

I can confidently say that you’ll always spot a narcissist if you’re able to do the thing in question, but I want to give you some news before we dive in.

Related : The Hidden Consequences of Apologizing to a Narcissist

The Lesson of Panic.

What it does to a narcissist is expose their vulnerable side. Not just a little, but a lot.

This reminds them that there are things they can’t do, making them vulnerable to the fact that they’re not perfect.

The perfection I’m talking about is what the narcissist convinces themselves is true—when it’s clearly not.

For you, the observer, this makes a world of difference. It opens your eyes. Not just to what’s happening in the moment, but to everything you’ve known them to be all along.

Everything starts to make sense. Every time you’ve tried to start a conversation about it, they’ve been brushed off or turned away, making excuses.

Or when you want or ask them to keep various promises related to it, and they don’t—suddenly—that’s why.

What you do with this new knowledge is entirely up to you.

Knowing When To Listen

I think that’s the key, isn’t it?

Knowing when to listen to what’s going on around you, and reading it for what it is, not what you want it to be.

In other words, when you introduce yourself to someone you love and they don’t feel the same way, or they constantly make excuses to leave or get off topic…

Related : The Top 10 Things Narcissists Can’t Tolerate

…pay attention. Don’t just say, “Maybe I’ll ask you or talk about it another time.”

There’s no other time that will give you the answers you want.

With all this on your mind—what is this simple thing?

Love A Narcissist

Moving, isn’t it?

Something as pure and warm as a narcissist’s love will turn them on.

Yes, narcissists marry. They say they love you. They give you all these wonderful, wild gifts and experiences.

They have sex with you (with great passion), and they make you these promises.

In reality, your love for a narcissist is very frightening to them. They experience and feel it from you, but they don’t know how to love them back.

All you want is to build a special feeling that you find special, but for them—they’re just starting their journey of fear.

Why Do Narcissists Hate Love?

These people focus on showing love, not feeling it.

They want the world to know they’re suitable for marriage because it makes it easier for them to trust someone and consider them a good person.

They want what love gives them, but they don’t want to express any love, or even acknowledge your love for them.

Think about it—how can someone with so much anxiety and self-loathing feel worthy of true love?

The more superficial, the better, which is why they’re so eager to show you their love and attention physically.

Sex is easy, but it’s a superficial expression of love. It’s a level of intimacy that narcissists stop at because they lack the layers of real emotional vulnerability.

But They Need Love , Don’t They?

Sort of.

I don’t mean to sound like a narcissist here, but it’s complicated.

Narcissists need love, but they need you to provide it even more.

They love to be loved, but they don’t love what comes with it.

Let me tell you a short story to illustrate.

Related : Why Narcissists Crave Control: Unveiling the Need for Power

Tony was in love with Fran. He was willing to do anything for her, and about a year into their relationship, he started asking her about marriage and children.

Fran said she wanted these things, but every time things got heated, she would distract Tony by initiating sex.

After sex, Tony would try to talk about their future again, and Fran would yell at him for trying to pressure her, telling him he was bullying her.

Tony kept apologizing, but Fran ignored him for days.

The truth is, Tony thought Fran wanted what he wanted. It didn’t occur to him that she was trying to smooth over conversations too deep for her to handle.

Narcissists need love, but they don’t always necessarily love it, or want to fully explore it.

They certainly can’t feel it the way you or I do.

Attention vs. Affection

This is the crux of the matter, guys.

Narcissists thrive on attention. They feel like they’ve already earned it before you even give it.

They want it to boost their self-esteem, and they need it to prove they can control you.

Affection? Forget it. The only time they feel comfortable with your affection is when you’re in public or in a sexual relationship.

Intimacy? Run!

As intimate as intimacy is, narcissists have no trouble taking off their clothes and enjoying it, just as they love pleasing it.

Related : The Surprising Effect of Silence on Narcissists

But as we mentioned earlier with Toni and Fran, once the intimacy is over, the work is done.

They don’t have time to linger and whisper promises of being with you forever. That’s too much for them.

Ways To See A Narcissist Panic

While it can sometimes be funny to watch a narcissist crumble under the weight of life, it’s good to know the different ways narcissists vent their anger!

They will:

Change the subject
Get mad at you (like Fran)
Cheat on you
Mock your love, calling it weakness or pity
Ignore you. If in doubt, write them off (as the narcissist would say).

What’s really happening is that their internal system is in a state of panic. They can’t stand to hear or see you wanting to be so vulnerable, when that’s what they fear most.

You Are A Good Person!

You deserve all of this and more, and you shouldn’t be afraid to love anyone who is willing and ready to love you in the same way.

Love should be what we choose in life, and no one should be punished for their ability and desire to love another person.

Related : Why Narcissists Love-Bomb You: The Dark Psychology Behind the Flattery

Problems only arise when you meet a narcissist because they are completely incapable of doing the one thing a relationship needs in the long run to succeed.

Good people can be crushed by narcissists, so learning how to avoid them will save you the trouble of recovering from them.

Make sure to always remember this.