If you’ve actually dealt with a domestic abuser and narcissist, you’ve probably noticed something infuriating about them.
Even though they can see the damage they are doing and the stares they are receiving, they never see themselves as the bad guy.
No matter how much evidence you give them, the sad truth is that many abusers will argue that “it’s worth it” or some other ridiculous justification until the day they die.
Being there, I always wondered how it was possible that abusive and horrible human beings couldn’t see themselves for who they truly are.
Related: The #1 Way To Know You’re Being Gaslighted By A Toxic Partner
As you might expect, there’s actually a psychological reason why abusers never apologize, and believe it or not, it’s something that’s inherent in everyone.
The easiest way to say this is that no one wants to think of themselves as a bad person. In our minds, we are the hero of the big story that is life.
With so many people, the idea that we might be bad people or do bad things is something that doesn’t settle in our minds. This is why we may justify our mistakes to others who judge us.
Narcissists and others like them want to see themselves as good people.
They need to see themselves as a victim and as a good person because their current self-image cannot be dealt with otherwise.
Furthermore, admitting they made a mistake is something they view as a failure or a relinquishment of control, something abusers would never do.
What we see when abusers refuse to see themselves as bad people is a conflict between the personality disorder, the need for control, and the cycle of abuse.
So, what happens to people who need to protect their fragile minds from the horrific truth of who they are?
They are delusional or pretend to be delusional in hopes of making you think you are wrong, which will make them feel at peace with the sins they have committed.
They begin to create their own world and begin to do mental gymnastics to try to reclaim the very “good” they flushed down the toilet by treating people poorly.
Think about it for a moment.
If you’ve talked to an abuser, you’ve probably heard him make some pretty wild excuses for his behavior. You may have heard him downplay what he did, make up things you did, or even tell you “you deserve it” because you did something he didn’t like.
Related : I Was Raised By A Narcissist Who Abducted Me When I Was 10
All of these things are things someone says when they want to continue thinking of themselves as a good person.
This is why it is difficult to get them to admit they have made a mistake, even when there is evidence.
If there is obvious harm and serious evidence, they may admit they were wrong for a short period of time… only to come back to it being somehow “your fault” when the evidence disappears.
In some cases, a person may have gone so far that they will deny evidence to the contrary even if it is presented right in front of their face.
To further prove this point, consider how abusers operate.
They often threaten their victims into silence or perform “damage control” if the victim decides to speak out. They also carry out smear campaigns to destroy the victim’s reputation in the event of a breakup.
