As much as everyone enjoys eating some popcorn and watching their friends’ relationship dramas on social media, the sad fact remains that many people settle for soul-sucking or unsatisfying romantic partnerships.
But why do humans choose to stay in dull or even dangerous relationships? Researchers did not find one specific answer, but rather a set of interconnected factors.
Almost everyone knows a friend or family member who constantly falls in love with unavailable partners or toxic relationships. While the solution may seem simple—leave—understanding what makes people stay builds empathy and strengthens bonds of friendship at a time when a distressed partner may need it most.
Studying why people stay in unhealthy relationships benefits everyone because it helps people identify when they are engaging in similar behaviors.
- Denial.
One reason people fail to leave dull or unhealthy relationships is to trick themselves into believing that inappropriate behaviors represent attention.
Take jealousy as an example. Many cling to the outdated belief that their partner’s excessive jealousy means their partner cares deeply about them when in reality, bouts of jealousy only reveal their partner’s underlying insecurities.
Individuals create false narratives to highlight their partner’s shortcomings in the best possible light. This is sometimes caused by childhood experiences, where the child has learned not to question the harsh actions of a parent. Other times, it stems from unrealistic expectations at the beginning of the relationship.
Regardless of the reason behind it, internalizing these false narratives leads to denying the true extent of the suffering caused by a toxic partnership. Even those in highly abusive relationships often believe that their loved one’s bad behavior stems from something they did, rather than from their partner’s inability to refrain from violence and cruelty.
Likewise, those who have convinced themselves that their relationship was “meant to be” deny how people reveal more of their true selves over time. They are willing to overlook their partner’s hurtful actions to cling to their false belief that they have found “the one.”
- Living without reason.
Another reason why many people stay in less-than-satisfying relationships is to go with the flow too much.
Think about the origin of many relationships. Oftentimes, two people meet because of a mere chance encounter that contains a flash of attraction.
Living without thinking may help people manage their affairs, but it never leads to achieving one’s true purpose. In professional life, stability may entail remaining in a job that drains energy and offers little potential for growth. In a relationship, stability can mean years of feeling empty, empty, and dissatisfied.
When evaluating whether or not to stay in a relationship, people should honestly ask themselves whether their partner is adding joy or draining joy from life. Does each partner support the other’s dreams and goals, or do they both mindlessly follow their routines without discussing the future?
Those who find the idea of being with their partner five years from now upsetting would do well to end the relationship before they become further involved.
Related: 5 Toxic Reasons People End Relationships — Only To Come Crawling Back
- Deceive ourselves.
Many people in toxic relationships lie to themselves regularly. However, this falsehood conflicts with their inner beliefs, causing disharmony and doubt.
The most common lie that many people tell themselves? That they can somehow change their partner. While people can change over time, they rarely do so in response to external stimulation. Instead, change comes from within.
Those who feel trapped in their relationships would do well to remind themselves that they do not have the power to change anyone else. They must also remember that they are the masters of their fate and that choosing to remain in an unsatisfying or toxic relationship is just a choice.
Redefining their decision to stay as an active option, serves as a psychological reminder that another option, the ability to leave, remains open to them.
- Fear.
Fear remains a powerful motivator for staying in a toxic relationship. Countless people stay in substandard relationships because they fear no one else will love them, and leaving means facing the possibility of living alone.
Those in cohabiting relationships may fear the economic consequences of choosing to leave. One partner will need to secure new housing, and the bills shared by both partners now fall entirely on one person. Individuals must have a strong financial exit strategy. Dealing with the pain of financial stress while simultaneously dealing with the aftermath of a breakup leads many to return to the arms of their toxic partner.
Often, behaviors that seem nice at the beginning of a relationship become intolerable over time. This is especially true for those living in abusive situations where violence escalates over time.
Sociologists use the boiling frog analogy to explain this type of ingrained behavior. Imagine that someone places a frog in a pot of water, then places that pot on the stove, and then gradually turns up the heat. Instead of jumping out of the pot, the frog stays to die when the water boils.
Be aware of reducing behaviors. Those who find themselves constantly wondering if their romantic relationship is really bad should be aware of the fact that they would not raise such a question if their relationship was healthy. The presence of doubt should stimulate a conversation about the future of the relationship.
