Being attracted to a narcissist is bad news, and if you want to avoid him, you need to take a look at the different attachment styles that make you an attractive victim to these types of men.
So, if you find yourself attracted to a narcissist, you may feel like an insect attracted to the light.
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American singer-songwriter Aimee Mann articulates her understanding of the “narcissistic alliance” in her 2002 hit song “The Moth,” which begins with the following verse:
“A butterfly doesn’t care when it sees a flame
It may get spoiled, but it’s in the game
Once he’s in, he can’t come back
“He will beat his wings until he burns them black.”
Some scientists scratch their heads trying to understand why a butterfly always flies into flames that burn its wings. Theories range from pheromones that attract the butterfly to light to the theory that light acts as a directional compass for the butterfly, telling it where to go.
In both scenarios, the butterfly is lured by light, causing it to head toward danger without regard for the consequences ahead.
In the therapeutic field, clients who enter into relationships with narcissists often discover that they are following the same pattern, ignoring many red flags that arise during the relational journey.
The good news is that if you are one of these people, you can change the way you approach future relationships so that it will be easier to find the love you are looking for.
To start, we need to define narcissism, what it is, and what it is not.
Narcissistic personality exists on a continuum that we all live on. On the one hand, some people can act immaturely and selfishly, with a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and can be very self-focused.
On the other hand, some people are truly selfless, care deeply about others and their well-being, and see others as different from themselves but value these differences greatly.
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As humans, we are all self-motivated to some degree, meaning we all have our own needs in relationships and also have our versions of relational conflicts.
The problem with narcissists is that they lack empathy for others in their lives.
A person with true narcissistic behavior, in the clinical sense, can only see others as objects of his pleasure, and not as people with wants, needs, vulnerabilities, and feelings.
Instead, they exploit those wants, needs, and vulnerabilities because, for some people, they give them a false sense of power and superiority. For others, it’s fueled by a sick sense of pleasure.
No matter the motive, if you’re a metaphorical butterfly who always seems drawn to a narcissist’s flame, you know how much the wings of your heart char in the hope that your love interest will choose you over his or her own needs, and wants, and desires. .
You probably also know that, although you may hope things will be different this time, in this type of relationship, you will always burn out in the end.
While many people in this predicament torture themselves trying to understand why their narcissistic partner treats them the way they do, the more important question is, why are you drawn to them like a moth to a flame?
Your attachment style, formed early in childhood, is like a pre-programmed flight plan. It is your north and directs you where to go almost without thinking.
For most people, their attachment style developed during their childhood and was influenced by how their parents or caregivers treated them. If you have been neglected, abused, abandoned, or hurt in other ways, you unconsciously look for this pattern in future relationships (this is like your pheromones directing you to a familiar scent).
Related: 7 Little-Mentioned Roles You Might See In A Narcissistic Family
Unfortunately, until you learn to understand why you are drawn to these types of pre-programmed relationships, you will continue to look for relationships that resemble the ones you were in as a child.
While many try to “think” their way out of this pattern, hoping it will happen, it never works.
Most people need to access their early relational wounding through psychotherapy. When this happens, a person can grieve and free themselves from the unconscious beliefs that were put there as a child.
These can include ideas such as:
“I’m not lovable.”
“Only when I act in certain ways will a person love me.”
“My mission in a relationship is to make them happy regardless of my needs.”
“Their needs come first.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
Once a person uses this type of thinking in therapy, a good therapist can help them let go of these beliefs and heal them with more loving beliefs. In therapy, the work is actually to replace these negative beliefs with more positive beliefs which reduces future attraction to the narcissist because the need to feed these beliefs fades away.
When this happens, the Aimee Man lyrics can be replaced with something like:
“The butterfly will care when it sees the flame
It won’t burn
Because he left the game.”
Being attracted to narcissists is not a life sentence if you do the work to heal.
You can choose to find healthy paths to love, but it takes digging a little deeper to see what makes you feel like a moth close to the flame whenever someone approaches you.
If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist, you are not alone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong.
