Sometimes it starts with a fight, a careless comment to a mutual friend, or maybe just forgetting to do something your partner asked you to do.
These are minor insults that most couples work through through dialogue and understanding each other’s feelings.
But narcissists have a completely different playbook. They use the silent treatment, and sometimes there’s no end in sight.
We typically think of narcissists as social, egotistical, and always the center of attention.
But tell their partners that and you’ll get a story about how they’ve been quiet for days or even weeks at a time. So why does the attention seeker suddenly go quiet?
WhyDoNarcissistsSuddenlyGoQuiet?
As with most things related to narcissism, it all boils down to control. When a narcissist goes quiet, their partner wonders what they might have done to cause the offense.
Most often, it’s because something shattered the narcissist’s grandiose vision of themselves.
It could be something you said or did, or it could have nothing to do with you at all, and the narcissist takes out their anger on those closest to them.
Related : How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother Without Losing Your Sanity?
Narcissistic anger and the silent treatment often go hand in hand; silence puts them back in control.
By staying silent, the narcissist doesn’t have to explain themselves, solve problems, or see your side of the conflict.
You’re forced to do all the heavy emotional work, racking your brain to figure out why they’re upset and what you can do to fix it.
As you think about it, you’re unlikely to notice that the narcissist was wrong in the first place and should apologize to you.
Is the Narcissistic Silent Treatment Manipulation?
It can easily be confused with anger; from time to time, we all feel too upset to solve our problems in the moment.
We need some time to calm down, let our rational mind take over, and be ready to compromise with our partners.
This is what happens in a healthy relationship, where both parties take the time they need before returning to the negotiating table and reaching a solution.
This is not the case at all – the narcissist fully expects you to be the one to apologize, even if you have done nothing wrong.
For narcissists, the silent treatment is a form of manipulation.
They will refuse to communicate for days, weeks, or even months. However, they will never explain their actions because the goal is to get you to apologize first and submit to regain their trust.
As such, narcissistic injury and silence go hand in hand; when the narcissist’s ego is threatened by criticism.
They remain silent until the person who criticized them shows remorse and returns to boost their ego. Don’t mistake this for a display of emotion – it is always manipulation.
Being criticized is like being ostracized, which has been shown to have long-term negative effects on a person’s psyche.
It can make a person feel like they have no control over their life, emotions, or behavior. This is the goal of the narcissist, to make their partner dependent on them for happiness.
Why is the silent treatment so effective?
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how painful their words can be.
Whether it’s insults, sarcastic comments, lies, or emotional blackmail, the verbal abuse can seem endless.
So it may seem like a relief to have peace and quiet in the relationship. Unfortunately, this kind of silence will feel like nothing but peace.
First of all, narcissists often lure people into relationships with them by showering them with affection, sometimes referred to as love bombing.
They build up their victims, make them feel special, and tell them that they are responsible for the narcissist’s newfound happiness.
When a narcissist engages in the silent treatment, everything is turned upside down and the victim feels 100% responsible for the narcissist’s sadness or anger.
In addition, humans naturally want to feel loved and “seen” by their partner.
They want to be acknowledged in a world where we often feel like small cogs in a big machine. When the person closest to us turns their back and shuts their mouth, we can feel like we don’t matter to anyone.
This is the goal of the narcissist, to make their victim feel like the only way they can pull themselves out of this darkness is to get the narcissist to “love” them again.
Their “love” is conditional and can only be regained by total submission to them.
In many cases, this is the only type of relationship the narcissist knows. Many grew up in homes where love was conditional and used to exercise power.
Every relationship, and every interaction within a relationship, is a game that must be won. In order for them to win, they need you to break first, and come to the table asking for forgiveness.
They know their victims can’t handle silence as long as they can.
How long do narcissists handle silence?
The short answer is that it depends on the reason for the silence and what the narcissist hopes to gain from it.
If the reason for the silence is a minor blow to their ego, the silence may only last a few hours—just long enough for you to realize how awful it feels when the narcissist stops communicating with you.
For larger insults or when there is a pattern of using silence as a weapon, it can take days or weeks.
But what most people want to know is do narcissists come back after their silence and what motivates them to do so?
Related : Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
However, some people go through a much longer period of false silence from their partner.
Narcissists may communicate about basic necessities: finances, parenting issues, or what to buy at the grocery store, but there is no emotion attached to their words.
This type of silence can last for months and is absolutely devastating to their partner’s sense of self-worth. You feel like you don’t have a partner.
So, do narcissists come back after months of silence? Usually not. This form of emotional abuse is unlikely to be about manipulation and is more about getting rid of a future partner.
The narcissist has been offended in some way, but they no longer see any use for you and have probably found another source of their narcissistic supply. If they do come back, it will only be temporary and to extract the last bit of supply from you.
What Happens When You Don’t Communicate During a Narcissist’s Silent Treatment?
You’ve been subjected to the silent treatment once or twice now and have seen how it plays out: you apologize, you make concessions, and you end up feeling in control.
The solution? Maybe you can ignore their emotional abuse? Treat them like a misbehaving child and ignore their behavior until it stops. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.
Narcissists rely on supply and this usually takes the form of compliments and affirmation of their self-image.
However, supply can also take the form of submission and fear. They know you’ll do anything to end it and prevent it from happening in the future, no matter the cost.
When you refuse to acknowledge the narcissist’s behavior, they tend to attack in other ways such as:
- Blazing you down
- Expressing anger
- Provoking guilt
- Turning friends against you
They’re unlikely to give in until you crawl in front of them and beg for forgiveness. If silence isn’t enough to achieve that, they’ll simply find another way.
What Happens When You Give a Narcissist the Silent Treatment?
If you’ve been hurt by a narcissist before, you may be tempted to turn their tactics against them.
But as your mother probably told you: two wrongs don’t make a right, and this is especially true when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
First, ask yourself why you’re using their emotional abuse tools. Are you trying to hurt the narcissist or hoping they’ll come back and apologize? If it’s the former, your hurt will be short-lived.
They’ll almost immediately resort to ego defense mechanisms, perhaps by attacking and manipulating your mutual friends, and painting you as the aggressor.
You’ll be equally disappointed if you’re looking for an apology because narcissists rarely admit guilt or show remorse (and mean it).
It’s never a healthy way to deal with conflict. Whether you use it with someone with NPD or someone who doesn’t, the results are sure to be disastrous.
How to Deal with the Silent Treatment from a Narcissist
So how do you respond to the silent treatment from a narcissist without ignoring them?
It depends on where you’re at in the relationship and what kind of resolution you’re hoping for.
- If you made a legitimate mistake, apologize for it.
Make it clear that you regret your actions and want to talk about the issue further.
No matter what you did, the silent treatment is not an acceptable response. Don’t internalize the guilt the narcissist will impose on you.
Related : What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You?
Don’t allow the narcissist to control you through an apology. Apologies are about love, not power.
- Give them the opportunity to make up in a healthy way
Some people don’t have the emotional tools to deal with upsetting situations, and the silent treatment may be a manifestation of their fear.
Let them know that you care about them and want to understand what’s bothering them.
Another option is to tell the narcissist that their silence is not a responsible way to deal with their pain.
Calmly explain that you are willing to talk and compromise if necessary, but that silence will get them nowhere.
- It’s often just one element in a pattern of emotional abuse
Tell the narcissist that their silence is an unacceptable way to deal with conflict and that you will get out of the relationship if it continues.
But narcissistic ostracism and the silent treatment are commonly linked, so don’t be surprised if the narcissist responds angrily and breaks up with you first.
It’s likely that this won’t be permanent and that breaking up is simply a way for them to gain the upper hand. In this case, don’t initiate contact or respond to the narcissist. Walk away and don’t look back.
- Finally, you can ignore the narcissist’s silence, although this is unlikely to work in your favor
Narcissists have many tools to achieve their goals and if silence doesn’t work, they will use a different tool.
Fortunately, this will confirm the type of person you’re dealing with and can help you understand the importance of distancing yourself from the narcissist.
FinalThoughts
Experiencing the silent treatment can be a very painful experience. You’re left wondering who you are, what you did wrong, and what to do when the narcissist ignores you.
Remember that it’s not your fault, even if you did something to provoke the narcissist. His unhealthy reaction is his problem and you can’t always fix it.
Telling him that you are interested in repairing the relationship while setting boundaries is the best way to keep peace and your sanity if you are going to stay with the narcissist.
