I once wrote an article titled You Don’t Attract Narcissists – Narcissists May Attract You.
A lot of readers said the article resonated with them and explained things in a logical way. Still, others swear they should be wearing a neon sign on their foreheads, drawing the narcissist directly to them.
These are common feelings after finally leaving a relationship with a narcissist. I get it. After all the lies, betrayal, and trying to regain some sense of normalcy, the last thing anyone wants is to find themselves in yet another toxic and dysfunctional relationship.
But really, there is a lot you can learn about narcissism. There may be thousands of blogs on this topic, but at a certain point, there is nothing new to learn. Science has been done, behavior analyzed, and described in many different languages and the Internet is full of content revolving around narcissism.
If you are just learning about narcissism, you may feel motivated to learn more about the condition. You want to understand the reasons why narcissists act the way they do in your life. It’s only natural to want to understand how they can be so harmful. Just proceed with caution because, while it may help explain the narcissist’s behavior, this knowledge won’t do anything to change the outcome of the relationship.
But for those of you who want to make sure you don’t “attract” another narcissist into your life, there are only two things you need, and neither of them is about narcissists (or anyone else, for that matter).
These two things are always at your disposal. If you have it, you will never have to worry about being in a relationship with another narcissist. And they’re so simple, you can have these tips in your toolbox in an hour if you don’t already have them. they…
Personal boundaries and a list of deal breakers
Why are these two things so important? Because without them, it wouldn’t matter how much you know about narcissistic traits. Without them, you could write a dissertation on narcissism and, nevertheless, find yourself in a relationship with one of them.
How do I know? Firstly, this has happened to me…and it has happened to many of my clients as well.
There is one major flaw in believing that knowing everything there is to know about narcissism will protect you from attracting another person, and that is that you are still focused on things outside of yourself. Things you can’t control.
Not only that, but it will keep you in a state of hypervigilance, which puts you in danger of never trusting anyone again. never.
Only you can control yourself and what you need within your relationships – romantic or otherwise – to maintain a sense of emotional security.
Let’s break down these two simple life-changing concepts and how they can help you avoid attracting another narcissist into your life.
Your boundaries
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental boundaries that we set to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. It is a boundary that you will not cross and that others will not welcome.
Abuse survivors often find it very difficult to enforce boundaries because they fear upsetting others or that setting boundaries might jeopardize their relationships. These are natural feelings to have, but they’re also the main reason why you need to know your boundaries before you get into any relationship — and implement them in your current relationships.
Defining your boundaries helps you identify what you need in your relationships to feel secure and valued. So, it is important to identify the things that make you feel uncomfortable and go from there. For example, if you get annoyed when someone texts you an excessive number of times while you’re at work or out with friends, it can become a personal limit on your time. Time limits are violated when one person demands too much of another person’s time. You can set a personal limit so that you don’t answer anyone’s calls or messages while you’re at work or with friends unless it’s an emergency.
Or, on the flip side of that, you might find it rude if someone you’ve scheduled a lunch date with spends an inordinate amount of time texting on their phone. You might want to explain to them that you prefer when the two of you are together they try to be more present with you by spending less time on their phones. After all, if you’ve made private arrangements to meet with them, they should know that your time is valuable, and if they’re going to keep texting other people while you’re with them, that defeats the whole purpose of spending time together.
Setting your boundaries is all about honing your feelings and honoring them.
Personal boundaries generally cover seven areas:
Emotional – Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates your feelings.
Physical – Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, or when they invade your personal space, such as by grabbing your cell phone and checking your call history.
Sexual – Sexual boundaries can be violated through unwanted sexual touching, pressure to engage in sexual acts, or unwanted sexual stares or comments. For example, violating sexual boundaries might include a new date asking you about your sexual preferences or your date when you barely knew them.
Abuse survivors often find it very difficult to enforce boundaries because they fear upsetting others or that setting boundaries might jeopardize their relationships. These are natural feelings to have, but they’re also the main reason why you need to know your boundaries before you get into any relationship — and implement them in your current relationships.
Defining your boundaries helps you identify what you need in your relationships to feel secure and valued. So, it is important to identify the things that make you feel uncomfortable and go from there. For example, if you get annoyed when someone texts you an excessive number of times while you’re at work or out with friends, it can become a personal limit on your time. Time limits are violated when one person demands too much of another person’s time. You can set a personal limit so that you don’t answer anyone’s calls or messages while you’re at work or with friends unless it’s an emergency.
Or, on the flip side of that, you might find it rude if someone you’ve scheduled a lunch date with spends an inordinate amount of time texting on their phone. You might want to explain to them that you prefer when the two of you are together they try to be more present with you by spending less time on their phones. After all, if you’ve made private arrangements to meet with them, they should know that your time is valuable, and if they’re going to keep texting other people while you’re with them, that defeats the whole purpose of spending time together.
Setting your boundaries is all about honing your feelings and honoring them.
Personal boundaries generally cover seven areas:
Emotional – Emotional boundaries are violated when someone criticizes, belittles, or invalidates your feelings.
Physical – Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you in ways that make you feel uncomfortable, or when they invade your personal space, such as by grabbing your cell phone and checking your call history.
Sexual – Sexual boundaries can be violated through unwanted sexual touching, pressure to engage in sexual acts, or unwanted sexual stares or comments. For example, violating sexual boundaries might include a new date asking you about your sexual preferences or your date when you barely knew them.
Determining deal-breakers is just as personal as defining your boundaries…meaning that your boundaries may be a little different than someone else’s. Some of my deal breakers are lying, infidelity, watching porn, and not wanting to engage in a healthy connection.
Deal breaks aren’t something you need to whip out on a first date. I advise against doing this because manipulators will then hide their involvement in your deal-breakers and put on a good theatrical show of being the perfect match for you.
