Although narcissists and people-pleasers behave very differently in relationships, they may have one thing in common: They both grew up with a parent who was unable to deal with their own emotions.
People-pleasers often swallow their feelings and view others’ feelings as more important. Although they are often selfless, humble, and compassionate, their generosity is often exploited. However, suppressing selfless abilities may not be the answer. These abilities are essential to both emotional intelligence and healthy relationships. Respecting one’s feelings and establishing healthy boundaries are tactics that can protect oneself. Also, balancing the desire for acceptance with the awareness that some people are manipulative is important.
Typically, the narcissist is the complete opposite. Narcissists prioritize their feelings first, and anyone who disagrees with them is often berated, bullied, harassed, or punished. The narcissist is unable to consider an alternative point of view in the context of a personal relationship, so they constantly declare their point of view as “correct.” The narcissist’s inability to act conscientiously in a relationship highlights his or her lack of empathy. While the narcissist is sometimes kind, his or her ulterior motive may be to regain the trust of someone who has wronged him or her. Bringing the person back into the relationship allows the narcissist to gain control.
Although people-pleasers and narcissists are opposites in relationships, one thing they may share is an abundance of early experiences with a caregiver who was unable to process his or her emotions. For people-pleasers, the experience of constant shame, punishment, or dismissal for expressing an emotion different from a parent’s may have weakened their ability to trust how they feel. It is normal to doubt themselves and prioritize others’ emotions over their own. It may be because the caregiver was unable to think about his or her own emotions in the attachment relationship.
For example, a two-year-old child cries in the back seat of his or her mother’s car because a bee landed on his or her car seat. His or her mother is stuck in traffic and upset. Upset, she assumes the baby is being rude to upset her, so she yells at the baby for crying. The baby now feels ashamed and scared. The bee buzzes near his head and he screams again. The mother angrily shouts, “I told you to stop! I don’t want to hear another sound! You’re going to cause an accident for us!” The baby learns to suppress his feelings to avoid further trouble.
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Instead, suppose the parent is empathetic and asks the child, “What’s wrong?” The two-year-old may or may not be able to express fear of the bee, but the mother’s acknowledgment of the child’s distress, her expression of concern, and her desire to help communicate the importance of his feelings to the child. Different parental responses greatly influence the child and his or her decision to trust or distrust feelings.
A parent who is unable to deal with the child’s distress often blames the child. Rather than trying to understand, the child’s feelings are interpreted as “acting out.” The child is punished and shamed for feeling feelings that the parent doesn’t like. Ultimately, the child withholds what he or she is feeling to avoid punishment or rejection. The child devalues his or her feelings and is forced to put the parent’s feelings first. By suppressing feelings, he or she avoids punishment, shame, and rejection.
If this type of parental response is routine, the child may have internalized this pattern of relationships and operate this way in all of his or her relationships. Attachment experts often refer to this as an internal working model of attachment. The child grows into an adult who distrusts his or her feelings and believes that others’ feelings are more important. People-pleasing tendencies appear.
A second outcome is also possible. In the worst-case scenario, a parent’s extreme lack of empathy and his or her tendency to systematically inflict shame and guilt may cause the child to unconsciously revive a massive defense structure that protects his or her self-esteem. The system acts as a shield that deflects, projects, denies, and distorts anything that threatens the child’s fragile sense of self. Uncomfortable emotional capacities such as accountability, empathy, insight, and self-awareness are protected. The young person feels more comfortable engaging in activities that feed his or her ego and avoiding pursuits that strain his or her sense of self. He or she begins to embody narcissistic tendencies.
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This strong defensive structure can turn into a personal construct if the parent continues to nurture this strong defensive structure. For example, a child may be punished for his feelings but rewarded and glorified for his accomplishments. He is justified and defended, even in the case of bullying behaviors, if he fulfills his parent’s desire for glory through his accomplishments. This type of parenting can lead to the establishment of a narcissistic mindset in the young person.
The child’s experience of trauma can also lead to the emergence of strong defense mechanisms unconsciously. The overwhelming and overstimulating experience can create a level of shame that is impossible for the child to survive without unconsciously activating defense mechanisms. It is important to refer the traumatized child to therapy as soon as possible.
It is important to note that a parent who respects feelings while maintaining rules and expectations can raise a somewhat secure child. For example, “Ben, you are angry. I understand, but you cannot throw your bag. Please go and pick it up.” Respecting the child’s emotional state and correcting his behavior is crucial. The child realizes that their feelings are important, but their actions need improvement. The child is held accountable and encouraged to recognize and understand their feelings rather than shutting them down. The child’s ability to recognize, identify, and verbalize feelings leads to healthy emotional regulation, self-awareness, insight, and emotional intelligence.
If a person has people-pleasing tendencies, it may be helpful to consider the attachment relationship with their caregiver. The caregiver may not tolerate the person’s feelings if they are different. Spending childhood in this way may explain why an adult may withdraw from their feelings and habitually give in to someone else’s feelings. A conscious awareness of this process may be all that is needed to inspire the person to trust their feelings and revive healthy boundaries.
On the other hand, a person with strong narcissistic tendencies may face an uphill battle. The narcissist’s inability to tolerate uncomfortable emotional capacities such as remorse, insight, and empathy may not lead to an awareness of their narcissism. This may prevent them from reaching out for counseling.
Breaking the cycle of emotional abuse is essential. Parents may need to remind themselves to honor feelings but correct behaviors, listen with understanding, have empathy, validate the expression of feelings, and hold the child accountable with love.
