Whispering. Did you want to hear a secret?

Oh, do you?

Actually, I heard that from the narcissist. He told me he knows something about you, and I really think you should pay attention, because, well, I would want to know if I were him.

Okay, great. Now that I’ve got your attention, it’s time to sit down and listen to me. You’re being targeted by the narcissist for a specific reason—to attract you.

Teach you

study

Narcissists are amazing students. In fact, if they took their ability to absorb information to school or college, they’d exceed all expectations.

Why? Simply put—they observe everything, and they memorize more.

When it comes to you, you’re their teacher.

Related : 10 Things Narcissists Would Say If They Were Honest

Besides sitting there taking notes, I want you to assume they’re watching you so closely that they don’t miss a moment.

You meet, you spend those first blissful, butterfly-like weeks getting to know each other, and you feel amazing. You don’t want this to stop, and they make it easier for you to open up.

It’s like they’re journalists, handing you the microphone so they can listen intently and report back to the center of the narcissism.

Your vulnerabilities are recorded. Your exes and the reasons for your breakup are mentioned.

Your resentment of being ignored is stored in their memories. You just want to be happy, and you always make sure your partners are happy.

I’m not kidding when I say how toxic narcissists are, and how your few weeks of oversharing are equivalent to a lifetime of throwing everything in your face.

And You Think They Know You

It’s the perfect opportunity to believe the narcissist cares about you. Every question they ask, with intent, curiosity, and interest, seems like another way to get to know the person they claim to admire.

It feels like you’re on the same page. They may even resort to mimicry. Mimicry might look like this:

Using a similar tone of voice

Mimicking your gestures, the way you move or touch your face when you speak, or nodding your head

Repeating key words or phrases to make them feel they really understand you

Having the same body position as you

Telling you they feel the same way you do, or have been through what you’ve been through.

Mimicry feels like you’re on the same page. You feel like you have a lot in common, like you’re two peas in the same pod. It’s that feeling of you and the narcissist against the world.

It’s a classic manipulation tool, but all you feel is “love feelings.”

In reality, they know you—but there’s nothing romantic about it at all.

The Secret Is…

Here we go, to the heart of the matter.

What is it about you that the narcissist knows?

Narcissists know exactly what you’re missing and what you need in life.

Related : 11 Signs You Have Beaten The Narcissist

They know what you’re missing, what you crave, because they’ve taken the time to get to know you all.

Knowing this, they can control the persistence of that lack while still offering you small scraps of it to keep you hooked and hopeful.

How creepy?!

This is what they all do.

One of my clients, whom I’ll call Jane, had a sweet tooth, and growing up, her narcissistic father acted as if she didn’t exist.

However, he would sometimes come home from work carrying a bag of candy for her. He would walk in the front door and stand in the doorway, waving the bag at her and shaking it like she was a dog.

Jane is now almost 50, and she still loves sweets. She didn’t need sweets to feel loved and happy. Her father did. But the sweets drowned out that feeling, and she now fully understands that eating sweets means something else is going on.

It takes a lot of effort to reach this stage of self-realization.

And Jane’s father? Well, he knew what he was doing. He didn’t want to give her love or affection, so he left things to chance. Over time, this became his love language and her acceptance of him.

Emotional Intimacy… No

When you believe someone cares about you and cares for you, there’s no reason to suspect they’ll hurt or betray you.

Emotional intimacy is an essential part of relationships; without it, couples don’t last.

Related : 13 Painful Lessons You Need To Learn From Narcissists

Narcissists understand this! Otherwise, why would they pretend to love you and stand by you?

While you feel like the luckiest person in the world, the narcissist feels intoxicated by their ego.

Information Is Their Most Valuable Object

Forget money, forget diamonds and gold—information is what narcissists value most.

Without it, they live their lives improvising as best they can, trying hard to guess situations and outcomes.

With your information, they can deduce anything.

They learn your secrets and live happily knowing that you’ve entrusted them with all of them.

How To Avoid This In The Future

When you meet someone new and you’re attracted to them, sometimes you feel a strong desire to learn everything about them as quickly as possible.

Personally, I don’t see this rush; time will tell, but others crave the feeling of being wanted or needed because it’s something they’ve lacked in the past.

Avoiding revealing all your cards requires some backing off. If the person you’re dating becomes impatient or uninterested in your willingness to take your time, is they the person you want to be with?

You don’t need to give up your triggers to a stranger. You don’t have to tell them your entire life story or how many times you’ve been hurt or cheated on.

Related : Narcissists Hate People With These 8 Traits

I’ve always felt that avoiding these topics or refusing to reveal too much about yourself will keep some of your experiences sacred.

Narcissists will ask questions, appearing very interested and concerned, and it can be difficult to distinguish between their curiosity and malicious intent.

So, you need to make decisions now and keep a little caution in your heart when meeting someone new.

You don’t need to have all the answers and all the love right away.