Key Points
Narcissists seek to enhance their image, often at the expense of others.
They use powerful tactics to deceive, undermine, and induce guilt.
Being aware of these tactics can help a person avoid unhealthy dynamics in narcissistic relationships.
Like street corner vendors, some narcissists seek to enhance their status through a variety of devious tactics and verbal tricks.
By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder or who exhibit many of the traits of a narcissistic personality.
Here are five powerful and deceptive tactics that narcissists use. By being aware of these deceptive games, you can more effectively avoid or neutralize their manipulation attempts.
- Intermittent Reinforcement
Laboratory animals that receive food pellets every time they press a lever will quickly lose interest once the food is gone.
On the other hand, animals that only occasionally receive food pellets when they press a lever will continue to press for much longer, a behavior that is harder to extinguish due to intermittent reinforcement.
Similarly, narcissists use irregular patterns of giving compliments, attention, and affection. These rewards are felt to be extra desirable because they come at random.
Like a thirsty person in the desert, you may overvalue anything positive you get from a narcissist, given the constant diet of criticism, denial, and manipulation that the narcissist imposes. The unpredictable nature of such rewards can leave you hanging indefinitely in an unhealthy relationship.
- False Vulnerability
Narcissists may pretend that they can’t live without you. Such attempts at self-enhancement are used more by vulnerable narcissists (sometimes called “covert” narcissists) than by grandiose narcissists. The goal is to make you think you are indispensable to them, so you will feel guilty if you are tempted to stop caring about them.
The downside is that they don’t need you; They just need an audience. They don’t see or need the unique person you are; they’re simply looking for someone to compliment them and listen to them. Stop giving them attention or doing their bidding, and you’ll likely be eliminated in a heartbeat.
- Promised Protection
Narcissists want you to believe that their proximity, wealth, power, charm, beauty, or intelligence will help you get ahead or protect you in a dangerous world. Their goal is to create dependency on them.
As with any protection, the costs outweigh any benefits. Especially with grandiose narcissists, the more you depend on them, the more likely you are to feel trapped and used as a narcissistic resource for their ego.
- Conditions
Narcissists live in a zero-sum world. Their behavior is transactional, and they feel entitled to receive more than they give.
When narcissists give a gift, they view it as a debt you owe them. It may only take a moment before they remind you of their gift to guilt you into doing more for them, even if it hurts you or goes against your health interests.
- Faint Praise
Narcissists crave praise. But as much as they demand it, they hate giving out explicit or genuine compliments.
For example, when you show up wearing a new outfit or hairstyle, they might say something like, “Well, look at you!” You feel confused, wondering: Was that a compliment or an insult?
Or the compliments might be indirect or tainted. Narcissists might say something like, “At least you didn’t mess up like the last three times.”
The key to avoiding narcissistic manipulation is to recognize that narcissists’ actions are driven by a deep void inside that they feel they can’t heal on their own. As a result, they seek to portray themselves as superior, desirable, and worthy.
While we can empathize with the emotional wounds that people with personality disorders like narcissism carry, when those wounds lead them to humiliate, use, or manipulate you or others, you have the right to draw the line by calling out the unhealthy behavior, asserting healthy boundaries, or walking away.
