Casinos know that. Animal trainers depend on them. Narcissists have mastered it. This is the narcissist’s most powerful trick ever.
It’s a powerful emotional tool known as intermittent reinforcement, and when used properly, it’s guaranteed to get – and keep – almost anyone addicted to anything.
Intermittent reinforcement is when one person in a relationship meets or reinforces rules, rewards, or boundaries occasionally or inconsistently. Instead of discouraging the other person, intermittent reinforcement does the opposite. It fuels their attempts to extract the reward back, keeping them hopelessly locked in the relationship.
Take for example a parent who says “no” to their child 90% of the time. It’s the 10% of the time parents hold back, inciting a child to whimper, tantrum, or pessimism for other’s blessings. The animals will feint every time, even after the trainer withholds the reward, like B.F. Skinner’s rat repeatedly hitting the bar for opportunity pellets, over and over, whether he gets one or not. Gamblers also know that the intermittent boost of a small random payout will keep them in the slot machines until they empty their bags or pockets.
Those of you obsessed with checking your Tinder account, Tumblr blog, or Twitter for the paradoxical excitement that comes with validation-or-false snaps know what I’m talking about.
The narcissist knows what I’m talking about, too. He’s adept at pinging validation when he feels you’re about to pull off, just to keep you tied down in a relationship that will serve his needs, usually at your expense.
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It’s going to be bad bad bad, but then everything is surprisingly good, and you’re tricked into believing that the good is here to stay. So you stay too. And like a Skinner rat that starved to death in pursuit of random, ever-decreasing reward, you will likely also tolerate increasingly abusive conditions in hopes of regaining control once again over a (brief) encounter with the good. And just like that, the narcissist’s ploy worked, and how!
But with a narcissist, the good fades by design. This is intermittent reinforcement.
If you’ve ever been caught in the grip of a narcissist, you know the drill. When the two of you meet for the first time, the narcissist showers you with expressions of love. You are beautiful, witty, charming, the woman he always wanted but never thought existed. His search is over. Your shoulders relax, your walls come down, and your gates open. Your heart sings. You let yourself believe you finally found the one.
Then, without warning, the narcissist switches tracks. Out of nowhere, you can’t do anything right. The qualities you extolled, in the beginning, are now your worst faults. She is bored with you, not interested. She started mentioning other guys, her old boyfriend. You think, what happened? She goes over everything she said, examining past events for clues that she cared.
Let’s see, she went to my hockey games, and she came with me to visit my mom in the hospital. Love notes are stuck in my gym bag. Doesn’t all this mean that she loves me? what happened? It’s mine?
no. Not you. I just got stuck in the circle of narcissists and scam narcissists. D&D stage, devaluation and discard. The narcissistic practice of showing their inner self-hatred and disdain for you, by doing and saying things that make you feel invalidated, rejected, and insecure.
Most of us who have a cup of self-respect skip this and decide to say sayonara. This is when the narcissist uses the emotional hook: intermittent reinforcement. To prevent you from going out, the narcissist will change your face, indicating that you will come back. He’s on time, attentive, brings your favorite treats, remembers your dog’s birthday. He takes you in His arms, the cloud part, and the light of His love shines upon you again. You exhale comfortably.
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It won’t last. Did not matter. Most of us will stick with these random payments as proof that a mutually loving relationship is still possible. After the investment we have made in the narcissist, we are already ready to take advantage of the reasons to ignore the bad things. So we hang on and keep chasing the good. Narcissism offers her little Ping just in time. We’re addicted.
The problem is, over time, episodes of intermittent reinforcement become fewer and fewer, and D&D incidents increase. But the pain of D&D will never ease the hook, as long as the narcissist continues to back away from the intermittent reinforcement. The only way to get free is to adopt a strict no-contact policy. The sooner the narcissist becomes a memory, the better off they will be.
