Some people think of envy as an honor, but when someone you love envies you, it can be devastating. One of the nine traits listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) for Narcissistic Personality Disorder is “repeatedly envying others or believing that others are envious of you.”
If someone distant is envious of you, it may not have any effect on you. But if someone you love is envious of you, it’s a different story. Let’s first consider the nature of narcissistic behavior. It’s common for narcissists to criticize, judge, and demean others to make themselves feel bigger and better. Remember, narcissists typically have fragile egos and lack a strong sense of self. They need admiration and praise to feed this incomplete ego.
If you’re a friend, child, or lover of a narcissist, you may face constant threats of criticism and judgment. But when the same narcissist envies you, it adds a new dimension: They may view your very existence as a threat.
You may be criticized and judged for your weaknesses and belittled and ignored for your strengths. Your reality as a trustworthy person is erased, and your sense of self is nullified. This can be upsetting, this feeling of envy is horrible and maddening. It can create a sense of helplessness: “What can I do to make this person happy? Just breathing seems to be a problem.” That’s right. You become an object of contempt no matter what you do. You exist only about the narcissist’s projections of how they feel at the time. And this is not something you can control. Their accusations and blame are a substitute for their self-examination. You become trapped behind this thick layer of projections and you may not understand why. You become a dumpster for their projections of bad feelings toward themselves.
If this envious person is your parent, sibling, or someone you love and want to love you back, you feel attacked. Your goodness is questioned, invalidated, labeled, ridiculed, and retaliated against.
For example, a narcissistic parent may be jealous of their child’s appearance, youth, appearance, relationship with the other parent, accomplishments, education, possessions, wealth, talents, or other things. A sibling may be jealous of their sibling’s beautiful home, loving family, etc.
This envy is traumatic and devastating to the envied person. It makes the envied person feel uncomfortable, self-doubtful, and wonder what is wrong with them. Many adult children of narcissistic parents report that they cannot give themselves credit, and feel compelled to belittle themselves in front of their family or loved ones. They do not dare to be their authentic selves because it brings contempt and disapproval.
Some adult children of narcissists do not easily recognize envy because they grow up with this disturbing internal message of “I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try.” They cannot imagine anyone being jealous of them.
I find it interesting that the envied person is often the one who is trying to be helpful, friendly, caring, or a source of support by actively supporting the envier. Think of the story of Cinderella. She cooks, sews, and cleans for her sisters, only to receive their spite and envy.
When someone envies you, pointing it out can be challenging. It is difficult to pinpoint the cause, and it is similar to emotional and psychological abuse. You feel it, you know it’s there, but the envious person will never admit it and will likely betray you if you talk about it. If your parents, loved ones, or family are envious of you, it can be devastating, but you may feel like you can’t do anything about it.
You can’t control it. But you can take better care of yourself. You can practice giving yourself credit every day. You can work on building a filter to stop projections. You can choose to be around those who celebrate you and your authentic self. You can decide that there’s no point in playing small to make others feel better. Recovery for those affected by narcissism depends on carefully rebuilding a strong sense of self and authenticity.
