the main points
Knowing these signs of a narcissist’s cheating rules can help potential victims protect themselves.
Are people with narcissistic traits more likely to cheat: yes and no.
If a person with narcissistic traits is unfaithful, he or she will often claim to be cheating.
Clarissa sat in my office, her head in her hands.
“Why didn’t I see the signs?” She said out loud into the palm of her hands. She had just ended their relationship after finding out that her husband had been cheating on her during the last three years of their marriage.
“He was always so jealous of everyone I talked to and everywhere I went,” she continued. “When it came to his behavior, I should have been paying attention to him the whole time. I should have known that his possessiveness and constant accusing was actually telling him about himself.”
When she caught him coming home late at night, hours after he got home, something told her to check his car. She found a small black jacket, two sizes too small for her.
But he tried to convince her that it was her jacket. “As if I’d forget to buy a tight little sweater,” she exclaimed at his obvious attempts to gaslight her. When the gaslight didn’t work, he turned on the manufactured magic in an attempt to get her back. He asked for forgiveness as she stood there in shock.
His last attempt was to blame her for his actions.
“What did you expect, Clarissa? You hardly have time for your work at the bank,” he said.
Related : Why Toxic People Are So Harmful
His behavior was appalling, but it was to be expected. Like others, Clarissa noticed distinct patterns when she confronted her ex-husband about his infidelity. In fact, this behavior is so distinct that it can be viewed as a playbook of sorts; A guide they follow when they are caught doing something bad.
Many who have been betrayed by someone with narcissistic traits often wonder if narcissists are more prone to betrayal: that is why I say yes and no. All people are capable of cheating, whether or not they have elements of a personality disorder, but since one of the main components of narcissism is a lack of compassion and empathy, this makes them less likely to feel remorse or guilt after the behavior.
To help illustrate this process, here are six patterns of unspoken “rules” of narcissistic cheating that I often see in my practice of working with survivors of traumatic and narcissistic relationships:
- Do what they say, not what they do: People with elements of a personality disorder, such as narcissism, often feel they are above the law — both in society and in relationships as well. They often expect things from you that they don’t plan to do themselves. These can be things like how you dress, where you go and who you communicate with, what you should spend money on, and what behaviors are appropriate and acceptable outside of a relationship. Just because their expectations are clear that flirting isn’t a good thing for you, you can believe they don’t hold themselves to the same standard.
- If they accuse they tell themselves: A characteristic of narcissists is that they often project their negative traits onto their partner: if they are unfaithful, they will claim that you are cheating on them. This is why so many people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are unable to recognize or believe that they are doing anything wrong or see their behavior as a problem: their cognitive distortions often prevent them from seeing the truth of their actions.
- They often engage in gaslighting to divert attention: When caught, or in danger of being caught, many people with BPD will engage in unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior that distracts from themselves and their behavior. They will tell you that you are crazy, that you are making things up, or that you are wrong. This often leaves victims doubting themselves and wondering if they are truly insane.
- The remorse will be feigned rather than real: When they are no longer able to focus on the situation or get out of it, as if they were caught cheating directly, they will use the “fatigue remorse” tactic. Many of my clients will tell me that their intuition is telling them something “unpleasant” about the situation. “He apologized, but he got cold feet.” “She cried, but she felt written as acting.” Narcissists may truly believe that they feel bad, or that they are doing the right thing. Once again, their cognitive distortions would convince them that they were doing the right thing.
- How dare you get upset about something they definitely did: Usually you are only allowed to be upset momentarily, and eventually the narcissist will lose patience with having to regret it. If you bring up their cheating in a future event, such as sharing that you don’t feel like you trust them, this will be used against you. “You never let things go!” or “Are you perfect?” Sometimes, getting caught causes them to attack or blame others, wanting to hurt them the way they are hurt. They will tell you that cheating was your fault: “What did you expect?” Hurt people hurt people, even if those people are delusional, in a different reality, or unaware that their actions are contributing to a situation.
- They often play the victim: When all else fails, they will play the victim, especially in front of a third party, such as a therapist, other family members and friends, and even a judge. Due to the nature of narcissistic personality disorder, they may genuinely believe their reality is the truth. They may truly feel like a victim, and this conviction makes them seem more believable to outsiders, and they can also work to project the victim into a greater light.
