Over the past few months, we’ve heard the word “narcissist” used repeatedly by news anchors and experts to describe Donald Trump. But what exactly is a narcissist? After reading the following, we hope you can determine whether those in the media are right, and more importantly, how to determine whether you live, love, or work with one of these types of people who are completely drawn to themselves. Also, ask yourself, would I want a narcissistic friend or partner, and if not, why would I vote for one to lead our nation?

Myth

The term narcissist comes from a Greek myth about a beautiful young man named Narcissus. Everyone who saw Narcissus fell in love with him but he rejected them all. Then one day, he saw his reflection in a pool of water, before mirrors were invented. Like everyone else, he fell in love with himself and couldn’t leave the pool. Depending on the source, Narcissus either stared at himself until he withered and died, or he fell into the water to be closer to his beautiful reflection, or he committed suicide because he realized he couldn’t have a romantic relationship with himself. Whatever the source, the man fell on hard times and died alone.

Myth to Fact

In the early 20th century, Sigmund Freud introduced narcissism as part of his psychoanalytic theory. Over the following decades, it was refined and sometimes referred to as megalomania or extreme egotism. By 1968, the condition had evolved into the diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists are out of balance in that they think highly of themselves while simultaneously thinking very lowly of everyone they consider to be beneath them. Their motto is, “I’m the best and you’re nothing compared to me.” Narcissists are emotional, and dramatic, and may lack empathy and compassion since these traits relate to feeling for others.

What Narcissism Looks Like Today

Below, we’ve explained the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder; because this is about narcissists, we use the term “you.”

The belief that you’re better than others. This is the case in all areas of your world, and you look down on others.

Fantasizing about power, success, and attractiveness: You’re a superhero, among the most successful in your field, and you might grace the cover of GQ or Glamour magazines and not realize it’s all in your head.

Exaggerating your accomplishments or talents: Your ninth-place finish in a golf tournament becomes a first-place finish for those who weren’t there. Even though you didn’t play guitar very well in high school before you lost interest, you tell others that you took lessons from Carlos Santana.

Expecting constant praise and admiration: You want others to acknowledge you when you do anything and everything, even taking out the trash.

Believing you’re special and acting like it: You’re God’s gift to women/men/your field/the world. You think you deserve to be treated that way by everyone. They just don’t know it.

Failing to recognize other people’s feelings and emotions: You don’t understand why people get upset with you for telling them the way you think is right or what you think they did wrong.

Expecting others to agree with your ideas and plans: There’s only one way and that’s your way; So you get upset when others share their ideas or plans because their ideas or plans are not as good as yours.

Taking advantage of others: So you take your parents’ car/tools/credit card/clothes without asking or cut in line for an elderly person or expect something more significant in return for doing a small favor. What’s the big deal?

Expressing contempt for those you feel are inferior: That homeless person doesn’t even wear a coat or shoes in cold weather. What an idiot!

Envying others: You deserve the award/trophy/praise and appreciation, not this and that; and if you think someone is more attractive/smarter/skilled or has a more prestigious car/partner/house, you mark them with an X, and simply hate and curse them.

Believing that others are envious of you: Everyone wants to be like you.

Problems maintaining healthy relationships: Your family and friends don’t understand you, so you don’t stay in touch with them anymore; you lose interest in romantic relationships as soon as someone better comes along; you have recurring unsatisfying relationships.

Setting unrealistic goals: One day you will be a CEO/president/best-selling musician/artist/author, marry a movie star, or inherit Bill Gates’ billions.

• Easily hurt and rejected: You don’t understand why people intentionally hurt your feelings, and it either takes you a long time to get over it, or you never get it.
• Low self-esteem: Basically, you’re just a sensitive person, which makes you special and you don’t understand why people don’t see that in you.
• Coming across as tough or emotionless: Mr. Spock, step aside!

Confidence vs. Narcissism

While some of these traits may seem like they are just high self-esteem or self-worth, they are different from people who have a healthy dose of confidence and self-worth because the latter do not value themselves more than they value others; whereas the narcissist views others from their high position. Narcissistic personalities often appear to be arrogant and haughty, dominating conversations and having a sense of entitlement. They want the best of everything available and when they don’t get what they want, they may become upset or angry. They become the stubborn Mr. or Mrs. at work.

Often, and interestingly, the underlying motivation behind this narcissistic behavior is low self-esteem. Narcissists cannot handle criticism of any kind and will belittle others, get angry, or condescend to make themselves feel better when they realize they are being criticized. It is not uncommon for a narcissist to ignore their behavior because it does not fit with their idealized and dominant self-image. But a narcissist can spot someone else a mile away and will either thwart or avoid this mindless narcissist rival.

TheDownsideIsHuge

Unfortunately, narcissists may find their relationships crumble. After a while, people don’t want to be around them; all their relationships—personal, work, or school—become problematic. Sometimes their finances are a hassle, too, because it’s hard to maintain their image without expensive accessories.

If you suspect you may be a narcissist and are ready to make a change, consider seeing a mental health professional you trust so you can start on the path to more fulfilling relationships and healthier life.

AndIfYouKnowA Narcissist

If you’re close to or work with a narcissist, remember that they generally don’t see their behavior realistically and may be incapable of feeling empathy or compassion. They’re likely to treat your kind concerns as a hostile intrusion. If the narcissist is in the workplace, consider cutting off contact to a minimum. If you live with a narcissist, be as compassionate and authentic as possible with your loved one but don’t forget about yourself. If the burden is too great for you to bear, consider seeking professional help to learn coping skills. Focus on the good things in your life—the positive past experiences you’ve had. Start making plans for a brighter future, because it’s there! And strive to live a more fulfilling and meaningful present, with or without the narcissist in your frame of mind.

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For information on how your life is affected by the mental time zones you live in, see Time Perspective Therapy; Time Therapy; and The Time Paradox. Learn more about yourself and helpful ways to deal with life’s stressors: discoveraetas.com; see The River of Time. Take Charge! Connect with Your Inner Hero! Check out Phil Zimbardo’s Heroic Imagination Project.