Narcissism is omnipresent in our culture. We are encouraged to maximize our potential and get what we want. That’s not a bad thing in and of itself. But when we think only of ourselves, like some inflated Ayn Rand character, we end up creating a world that doesn’t nurture or accept others.

Did your mother suffer from narcissistic fever?

If so, you may be struggling as a result.

The Narcissistic Mother

Here are some characteristics of a narcissistic mother. While many people have narcissistic traits, few are true narcissists. However, some of the items on this list may affect you. Now, it’s time to do something about it.

Your mother turns most of the conversations back to herself. (The world revolves around her and her needs.)

Your mother takes your accomplishments for granted, but brags about them to her friends.

Your mother sees your difficulties as an indication of some failing that has nothing to do with her (perhaps it’s your father’s genes).

Your mother is popular or important in public, but controlling and strict at home.

Your mother gets angry or makes you feel like a failure if you don’t do exactly what she wants right away.

Your mother gets hurt easily, claiming she does too much for you.

Your mother is very opinionated, criticizing people, while presenting herself as more tolerant in public.

Your mother finds fault with you (your father, siblings, etc.). When she corrects you, she hardly gets any recognition.

Your mother creates a need for you to “walk on eggshells” around her, to feel secure.

Your mother tends to make you anxious and insecure.

Your mother lacks insight into her behavior, and will not tolerate criticism, no matter how mild.

Your mom fights to win, and she takes no prisoners, even if she hurts people along the way. It’s desperate and kind of scary.

Unfortunately, your mom may have a lack of empathy — for you or anyone close to her.

Validation

When trying to understand a narcissistic mother, the keyword to think about is validation.

Everyone needs validation to feel emotionally secure. Plus, it doesn’t stop with childhood; we need validation in our relationships — and at work.

An emotionally healthy parent can validate out of love. It’s that easy. And if you’re emotionally healthy, you can also offer validation.

Validation isn’t false praise; it’s getting noticed that you’re good at something. Or seeing the person you are, or simply feeling like you matter to your mom or dad. Validation isn’t poisoning a child with sugary support; when a person is validated, they feel truly appreciated.

Healthy validation sinks in and turns into healthy self-esteem.

Narcissists have a hard time believing others. They are so preoccupied with the need to validate themselves. Whether it’s their looks, their money, their positions, their careers, or their “successful” children, a narcissistic parent has a big hole to fill. And their children suffer.

HowChildrenAreAffected

If you have (or had) a mother with narcissistic tendencies, you may struggle to enjoy the fruits of your adult life. Your career—no matter how great—may not be good enough. Your relationships may not be good enough, either. You may have the same hole that your mother left, which she inherited from you.

She taught you that whatever you have is not enough.

Or maybe your need for validation has trapped you in the role of caring for another narcissist’s needs. You’ve learned to seek validation from someone who can’t give it to you, so you find yourself in relationships that reenact your early life experience.

Awareness is a gift. You’ll need to forgive your mother and move on. Anger helps, but acceptance helps even more.

Surviving a Narcissistic Mother

So how do you deal with the aftermath of a narcissistic mother? There are no simple rules here. However, with a general awareness of what you’re dealing with, a lot can be done. Here are some ideas that may help.

Get counseling from a good therapist. Support from your mother is so essential to a healthy adult life, that it can be helpful to engage in effective psychotherapy. You’ll need to objectify the deprivation you’ve experienced and see how it’s happening in the present moment. This is the first step to change. You may be suffering from depression or anxiety and need to overcome a mental health disorder. Once you’re free, it will be easier to deal with your parenting. Additionally, finding common ground with your mother after experiencing the emotional pain she caused won’t be easy. But you may want to make peace with your mother because you probably love her anyway. It won’t be easy.

Her ego and selfish tendencies are putting a strain on your relationship. As we’ve discussed, your mother needs to be the center of attention or all is not right in the world. The best thing you can do is accept your mother as she is, but keep her in check—don’t let her hurt you or your ego while she feeds and feeds hers. As long as she expresses love for you, understand that her ego is one of those traits that you can’t do anything about.

Set good boundaries and keep the hurt to a minimum. Your mother may make you feel like a failure when things don’t go her way. But remember—that’s her problem, not yours. She may be expressing her anger and resentment about something and taking it out on you by proxy. Just let her know that what she’s doing isn’t constructive. You can develop ways (often with the help of therapy) to walk away or defuse the situation. It’s better to take charge than to become the passive recipient of hurt.

Remember your self-esteem, because a narcissistic mother will diminish it. You didn’t receive the empathy and validation you deserved as a child, and this has followed you into adulthood. Keep in mind that people with narcissistic tendencies have a lack of empathy because they are simply preoccupied with their own needs.

Be realistic when dealing with your mother. It will be harder for your mother to hurt you if you know what to expect during your encounters. It should be somewhat predictable. You are more aware of how selfish she is, so keep this in mind as you continue your relationship with her as an adult. And keep the necessary distance you need to keep your conflicts under control.

Reassure your mother that if she does something for you, she will benefit. This is not a completely honest approach to dealing with your mother, but in some extreme cases of narcissism, you need to serve her up with her dose of manipulation. If you need her help with something, the only way you’ll see any results is if you can turn it around to what appears to be her beneficiary. I’m hesitant to write this, but it might help some people. This is not a statement that you should be manipulative.

If distancing isn’t your approach, accepting your narcissistic mother for who she is and letting go of the desire for more might work. It’s not easy to cut your mother out of your life or reduce the time you spend with her. After all, it’s not like dealing with a narcissistic partner. And you may feel a sense of loyalty to her. So, if you can step back, it might be possible to comply with many of your mother’s wishes and not fight with her. This can work if you’ve truly forgiven her and accepted what she’s dealing with. You can be a dutiful son or daughter, even if you’ve fallen short. You don’t live under her roof, so going along with her might work, as long as it doesn’t create bitterness.

If your relationship with your mother has become threatening or toxic, the only way out of the relationship might be to distance yourself from her. It is not healthy to stay in an abusive or violent relationship, no matter who you are in the relationship with. It will hurt to cut ties with your mother, but if therapy cannot mediate that, distancing and being careful may be the only solution.

Has your mother distorted your dating habits or expectations? You may not have realized it, but have you become a bit arrogant and selfish, especially in your love life? Or perhaps you lack trust in those who seek your attention? Or worse, are you in a relationship with a narcissistic partner? Any of these scenarios could be diminishing your ability to be truly intimate with another person. Awareness and good treatment can open doors.

Put your feet on the ground and assert your authority, while challenging hers. Narcissists hate criticism—because everything they do in their world is always right. Well, now you’re an adult who can politely tell your mother that her arrogant and threatening attitude is no longer—and never was—acceptable. Under certain circumstances, it may be constructive to fight fire with fire. Just know that this can backfire (you may need to win at all costs), so choose your battles carefully.

Be compassionate and empathetic toward your narcissistic mother. Your mom may need your compassion, empathy, and empathy, even though it may not seem like it. She’s had her traumas; she may have had a tough life or had narcissistic parents. Just know that even though she has a hard way of showing it, she may still genuinely care about you. Sometimes it’s time to throw her a bone.

AcceptanceIsKey

Growing up with a narcissistic mom (or dad) was hard, but it wasn’t impossible. With luck, other supportive figures probably believed you along the way. Your dad and siblings knew exactly what kind of anger you were dealing with at home, and school or friends may have been a haven that accepted and validated you. Additionally, you may have found other outlets through reading, hobbies, art, or sports that encouraged you in some way to see that you were truly capable.