Being in a relationship with narcissistic men is nothing less than being in an emotional whirlpool, with them bombarding you with love one moment, and devaluing you the next.
Why do they do that?
“Narcissistic love rides on the roller coaster of disaster with a heart full of tears.” Sherry Griffin
Narcissistic love scenario: Why did he choose you and why did he leave you?
The “narcissistic love scenario” is the term I recently invented to describe the highly detailed and very specific fantasy that many narcissistic men make up about their ideal romantic relationships.
Rather than expecting to co-create a relationship with their new lover, they expect it to fit seamlessly into the pre-existing relationship script.
Her role is to embody all his fantasies about his ideal woman, including how she should look, dress and act in public.
Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely that any real woman would fully fit into the role he assigned her. As a result, these relationships are usually doomed from the start. If you’ve ever had a romantic relationship where you were told you were “the most wonderful woman in the world” and then found yourself devalued and neglected, you may be a victim of a “narcissistic love scenario.”
After hearing dozens of women discuss very similar traumatic experiences with highly narcissistic men, I began to realize that nearly all of their relationships went through the same five stages. I have named them: (1) courtship, (2) persuasion, (3) devaluation, (4) control, (5) ostracism.
Stage 1 – Courtship: “Love Bombing”
Many of my clients have used the term “love bombing” to describe how happy and in love they felt during the “engagement phase” of their relationship. They were told, “You are the most amazing woman in the world. You are perfect. Even your imperfections are amazing!” They were taken to fabulous restaurants, showered with thoughtful gifts, and received daily texts telling them how perfect and special they were. At this point, the guy might even talk about marriage and want to plan a summer vacation together.
What happens: Although some narcissistic men are players and don’t genuinely expect to spend the rest of their lives with you, many are completely sincere when they tell you how perfect you are. Unfortunately, they don’t see you at all, only the role in the “love scenario” they offered you. You have value in their eyes because they believe they will finally get everything they want in a mate. It’s all about them, not you.
“The lion is the most handsome when searching for food.” – Rumi
If you’d like to better understand why someone would create a “love scenario,” you might want to think about how many times you’ve listened to your girlfriends discussing their perfect wedding: the details of their dress, what the bridesmaids would wear, and whether the affair would be rustic. formal mother. In its way, “Wedding Script” is an abbreviated version of “Love Script”. The main difference is that she only plans a day around her desires, while he plans a lifetime — and of course, most women won’t give up on a guy they love just because he doesn’t quite want her dream wedding to come true. The person is more important to her than the “image”.
The second stage – persuasion
As the two of you get to know each other better, the narcissistic lover begins to notice ways that you don’t fit into his “love scenario.” The romantic fantasy is still intact because he thinks you’re still perfect, just needing a little guidance. Because he has spent his life playing a role and pretending to himself and others that he is perfect, special, omnipotent, and entitled; He doesn’t see anything strange about asking you to play a role either. He will start making suggestions on how to improve himself – translation: how to better fit his text.
Example: Jim and Carol
Jim: “I want every man at the party to see how beautiful you are. Please, take off that outfit and put on the outfit I chose for you. You are incredibly sexy in that short red dress and heels.”
Carol: “I don’t feel like I do. I’d be most comfortable in the bottom heels and dress I chose.”
Narcissistic mindset and lack of empathy: Now they have their first real fight because Jim can’t believe conservative Carol doesn’t want to be the sexiest woman at the party. This is an example of a narcissist’s “one-mindedness” – the inability to understand that views other than their own can also be valid.
“Narcissists will ruin your life, undermine your confidence, and do it in a surreptitious way that makes you feel like you are the one letting them down.”
Jim’s behavior also demonstrates a complete lack of empathy for how Carol feels. Lack of empathy is a hallmark of narcissistic disorders. Jim and Carol never attended the party. It’s more important to Jim that he goes out there with his vision of the perfect woman on his arm than just going and having a good time with Carol. If he can’t be the envy of every man out there, “what’s the point of going?” Believes.
Stage 3 – devaluation and immutability of the object
If you resist being made to fit into your man’s ideas and insist on being yourself, he will be puzzled first and then he will start to devalue you. Unfortunately, individuals with narcissistic disorders do not have “object persistence.” Object persistence is the psychological term for the ability to maintain your positive feelings about someone while feeling hurt, upset, frustrated, or angry with that person. It is usually developed during childhood, but it requires that the parents who are raising the child have this ability themselves.
The immutability of an object is the glue that holds relationships together. Everyone has disagreements, but if you remember that you love the person while you’re fighting with them, it limits the amount of damage you can potentially do to the relationship and each other.
If, in the above example, Carol had agreed to Jim’s wish and had been persuaded to wear sexier clothes, Jim would have been satisfied. The romantic glow would have returned and his hurt, anger and disappointment would have disappeared because she had changed to fit the “love script”.
But because of Carol’s rejection, any sliver of being-forever he had is now gone and with it, Jim’s positive feelings for Carol. Now that Carol is far from her base, no longer perfect, and unconvincing, the devaluation begins.
The purpose of the devaluation is twofold: part of it is simply an attempt to change Carol so that it fits into Jim’s “love scenario” and part of it is to punish her for not giving him what he wants. If Jim doesn’t get what he wants by being nice, he’s all set to be bad. After all, without empathy or constancy for the subject, there are no negative emotional consequences for him. His ability for true interpersonal intimacy with a woman is completely underdeveloped. Carol’s devaluation is just another tool to get what he wants.
Jim: “I don’t get how you can be so stupid. Why would you choose to fight with me over something like clothes?” (And now he’s restating the fight as all her fault.) “She dresses like a lawyer, not a pretty woman who wants to be attractive to men. Don’t you even care how I feel?” (Again, he rephrases the situation with him as the victim, not Carol.)
Drawing Boundaries: This is the time to either leave the relationship or draw clear boundaries stating that you will not accept being spoken to in this way. If you don’t, he’ll take it as permission to keep devaluing you whenever he gets upset. The good times will gradually diminish, and the bad times will increase.
Many women try to ignore the devaluation in the hope that it will go away on its own and the beautiful “love bombing” will return. Unfortunately, he won’t be back because he no longer sees you as the perfect embodiment of all his relationship fantasies. You are off your pedestal.
Stage 4 – control
Now that you’ve resisted your narcissistic mate’s attempts to remake you to fit his “love scenario” and he’s used to devaluing you without serious consequences, he’s likely to turn to trying to control you. Why, you may ask, wouldn’t he break up with you at this point and go find another woman, if he was so unhappy? The answer is usually as follows:
He had to admit that he was wrong in choosing you – and a narcissist can’t take the blame for anything without being deeply ashamed.
He takes it as a personal attack on him when she refuses to go along with his plans.
Dominating you makes him feel powerful again. When you said no to him, he saw your lack of submission to his desires as you tried to control him – something he believed he simply could not allow.
“The narcissist devours people, consumes their produce, and throws aside the empty, writhing shells.” Sam Vaknin
Jim: “We’re not going out of the house with you looking like that. You’d better change or else.”
Carol: “But I like the way I look.”
Jim: “Too bad. Everyone knows you have no taste. Either we change or we don’t get out.”
Attempts to control you are likely to escalate. He may start treating you like a little child and review every decision you make.
Jim: “I noticed you had plans to see your sister on Saturday. Don’t you think you should have checked with me first? Call her now and tell her you need to cancel.”
He may also start reading and commenting on your emails and texts. When you tell him not to do this because you want some privacy, he makes it about you and not him: “What? Do you have something to hide?”
Stage 5 – disposal
If you stick around long enough to get to this point, your self-esteem and sense of inner calm will likely be in tatters. If you don’t live together or you’re married, your narcissistic man might pick one last angry fight, leave you in tears, and throw one last disparaging statement about you over his shoulder as he walks out the door. Others simply disappear and won’t respond to your messages or calls, leaving you without closure and forever puzzled over what happened.
You are actually very lucky if any of the above happen. If you live together or are married, it probably gets even uglier. He feels as if he is the aggrieved party and it was nothing but a disappointment. He once thought you were his princess, but now he can clearly see that he must take his glass slipper and look elsewhere.
Being in a relationship with narcissistic men can make you doubt yourself every step of the way. You may feel like you’re not good enough for anyone, but you can’t get away from the truth. Toxic people will always try to make you feel bad about yourself, but be strong enough to shut them down and leave the relationship. It may be hard at first, but you will see how much happier you will be in the long run.
