Key Points

Signs of a narcissistic parent include: selfish, arrogant, doesn’t take criticism well, demands perfection, and gets angry.
Daughters of narcissistic parents may feel like they never get enough attention. Sons of narcissistic parents may feel like they can never live up to expectations.

To survive a narcissistic parent, a child must keep their expectations low and not let the parent define their self-worth.

“Half the damage that happens in this world is caused by people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to hurt, but the damage (they do) doesn’t matter to them. Or they don’t see it, or they justify it because they’re caught up in the never-ending struggle to think well of themselves.” – T. S. Eliot

You thought that by the time you were in your twenties and certainly in your thirties, you would have your shit together: you would have a successful career, you would have your own place, you would be in a committed, stable relationship, you would go to the gym enough to get the body you always wanted, and your social life would be vibrant.

But you’re nowhere near where you thought you would be, and the little boxes next to the list of accomplishments you hoped to achieve are still unchecked.

As your self-esteem plummets, you look back on your upbringing and think of your father—Mr. Confident. He seemed to have it all—charm, success, popularity. He didn’t seem to suffer from self-doubt, unlike you. He was the life of the party, he knew everyone, he made things happen. You couldn’t get enough of him.

How Children Experience Narcissistic Traits

If you think about it, was his self-confidence bordering on arrogance? Could it be that you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits? And if so, why does it matter?

We take our families for granted—it’s natural to do so. Every family is a miniature social experiment, with its own set of unwritten rules, secrets, and subtle patterns of behavior. We take our mothers and fathers for granted as if that’s how it is for everyone. Maybe your father was a narcissist, but you just assumed that all parents were like him.

Here are some signs that your father has narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist.

Your father was selfish and somewhat arrogant. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that made him believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.

Your father used people for his benefit. He took advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everyone seemed to please him, or at least he expected them to.

Your father had a charismatic personality. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished the admiration of others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.

No one had a fantasy like your father. Grandeur was seductive, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He often exaggerated his accomplishments, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.

Your father did not take criticism well. Nothing hurt him like criticism; he would often cut these people out of his life or try to hurt them.

A father’s anger was truly frightening. Some people get angry and yell a lot. Dad can hurt you with his anger. It cuts to the bone.

Dad can be detached and unempathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often dismiss and invalidate other people’s feelings. Of course, he was very sensitive to how he felt.

Dad wasn’t around much. He got a lot of satisfaction from outside the family. Other dads hung out with their families a lot. In addition, he craved excitement and seemed more concerned with what others thought of him than how his children felt about him.

Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t often replace someone else. He did things with you that he enjoyed; you probably did too.

Your father wanted you to look great in front of his friends and colleagues. You were more important to him when he could brag about you; it’s sad but true.

You couldn’t get what you needed from him. Even if your father provided for you on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but you only got it sporadically, and only when it suited him.

When you experience these traits, some may be relevant; others may not. Some may seem very true; others may be less important. This is why narcissistic traits are not synonymous with narcissistic personality disorder.

The problem with the personality classification

Narcissism is not a dirty word; in fact, narcissistic traits are common in most of us. There’s nothing wrong with that. The other extreme is narcissistic personality disorder, a controversial but often useful label. Our diagnostic categories are somewhat arbitrary and lack the validity of more stringent medical diagnostic categories such as a broken hip or glaucoma. These disorders are easier to document and study. Personality disorders help us organize our thinking about an individual, but they can fail to provide an honest description of a fully complex person.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether someone is a narcissist or just has healthy self-esteem. Narcissism isn’t about having high self-esteem; it’s about self-love that has become preoccupied. The term is based on the Greek mythological figure Narcissus, who was so enamored with herself that she eventually proved fatal.

Although not fatal, narcissism can become so pathological that it meets the criteria for a personality disorder, however flawed it may be. The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) defines narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as follows:

“A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and manifesting in a variety of contexts…as demonstrated…by the following”:

Desire for admiration

Sense of entitlement

Exploitativeness

Lack of empathy

Envy

Arrogance

Another hallmark of narcissism is a disregard for personal boundaries. Narcissists do not always acknowledge the need for boundaries, which is coupled with their failure to recognize that others do not exist simply to meet their needs. The narcissist often treats others, especially those close to him, as if they are there to meet his needs and expectations.

Now that you have a solid idea of ​​what a narcissistic father is like, let’s look at how he or she affects their children. (We’ll talk about narcissistic mothers another time.)

How a Narcissistic Father Can Hurt Your Son or Daughter

Narcissistic fathers often harm their children. For example, they may ignore boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until they perform), and neglect to meet their children’s needs because their own needs come first. Because the image is so important to narcissists, they may demand perfection from their children. The child of a narcissistic father, in turn, may feel pressured to maximize their talents, looks, intelligence, or charisma. This can cost them if they fulfill their father’s wishes—and it can cost them if they fail. There’s no winning here.

In general, here’s how a narcissistic father can affect his or her daughter.

Daughters of narcissistic fathers often describe feeling unfulfilled when it comes to getting what they need from their fathers. They never got enough and had to compete with their siblings for time with their father. When you were a little girl, your father would comment on how pretty you were. But as you got older, he rarely missed commenting on your weight and posture. You may carry these concerns into adulthood, even if you achieve success. With a father like this, it will never be enough. With men (or women), you often feel vulnerable and anxious about being abandoned by someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or assuming the narcissistic role are natural ways to keep relationships healthy; it’s understandable and self-protective. (But you lose.)

A daughter needs her father’s admiration; he validates her and helps her embrace her uniqueness. Healthy fathers give their daughters this gift.

YouAreSpecial and Deserving of Love for Being You

As the child of a narcissistic father, you never feel like you can measure up to expectations. Your father was so competitive that he competed with you. (Or didn’t pay attention to you in any way.) Maybe you’ve accepted defeat—you’ll never be able to top your father. Or maybe you’ve worked hard to beat your father at his own game just to get his attention and some semblance of parental pride. Somehow, you never feel like you’re good enough, and even when you succeed, you still feel empty and weak.

Just as girls need their fathers to love them to feel valued, boys also need their fathers to validate them.

So how do you survive a narcissistic parent?

Get good therapy. You need to come to terms with your father for who he is, and how he has abused you. He is your father after all, and you will need to differentiate yourself from him to enjoy his presence without being belittled. It is not an easy task.
Accept your father for who he is. His arrogance and constant need for ego-stroking can be annoying. If you put him in his place in your mind, he may simply end up being a loving but annoying father. Take the best of the best, as long as he still does not have the power to hurt you.
Don’t let your father hurt you. If he throws a tantrum, you may decide to get in the car and leave. Boundaries are often a good thing. “Dad, this is not constructive.”
Cut ties if they are toxic or downright dangerous. Some narcissistic fathers have violent or abusive tendencies. This is in keeping with their ego. You are an adult now. Be careful.

Keep your expectations realistic and low. Don’t expect your relationship with a narcissist to be based on mutuality or reciprocity. Narcissists are selfish and can’t put your needs on an equal footing with theirs. As an adult, you can keep these conflicts with your parent at arm’s length; however, if you are dating or married to a narcissist, it can wear you down.

When you want something from a narcissist, convince them that it will be for their benefit. I’m not a fan of lying, but some people with narcissistic traits can be manipulated. When you want such a person to do something for you, you need to spin it in a way that makes your request seem to be for their benefit. This can work with your parent and with others as well.

Never let a narcissist define your self-worth. Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to validate others, so be careful about trusting them with sensitive information or sharing important accomplishments, as they will not treat it with the respect you deserve. I’ve seen this backfire many times.

Sometimes compliance is the easiest way to deal with a narcissistic parent. It may seem cheap, but if your parent is a narcissist, you may not be interested in cutting them out of your life. They are your parent, after all. Sometimes, complying with most of their wishes is easier and requires less effort. It may not be worth the fight. You’re an adult now, and you’re no longer under their roof.

Instead, you can assert your authority and challenge them. Narcissists get away with their behavior because others (passively) allow them to. Sometimes, you may need to adopt an authoritative stance and firmly convince them that their demeaning attitude is unacceptable. You’re no longer a child, and you’re not subject to their disapproval or anger. Be prepared to respond. Narcissists hate criticism.

Have compassion for the narcissist. Arrogance doesn’t evoke empathy or compassion. But ultimately, when you think about it, you may have compassion for someone who constantly needs compliments, attention, and validation. It’s liberating.

AppreciateHealthyAdults

While it’s hard to grow up without being influenced by a narcissistic parent, there may have been others who helped you along the way. When you look back on your life, you may identify a grandparent, a coach, a teacher, a therapist, or a religious figure who truly valued you. Maybe your mother saved the day.

AppreciateTheGood

I hope you can find the good. There may have been some good in your narcissistic parent. Embrace that while distancing yourself from the rest. Additionally, there may have been special men and women in your upbringing—appreciate their good. And there are good people to be cared for today—appreciate that good, too.