He may not be a narcissist, but he’s still a bad person. Let’s continue our discussion of narcissism with more dialogue. As many of you know, the straightforward essay format is helpful, but it lacks the nuance that give-and-take can bring. I truly thank all the people who wrote in—it makes this project more than just an exercise in thought. It becomes a real conversation.
So, let’s dive in. Here’s a follow-up (with minor edits) from one of our insightful contributors:
My main problem with the overuse of the term “narcissist” is that it pigeonholes people into cliched categories of “bad” or “evil.” This, in turn, can be used as an excuse to justify one’s attitude and behavior, sometimes even to hide one’s own narcissism behind accusations of “narcissism” toward your ex-significant other.
Simplifying the conversation in some way is a symptom of how low people can go when a relationship breaks down. Calling someone a narcissist (or borderline narcissist) is a weak way to feel superior. However, God save the classic neurotic who marries or divorces someone with a classic personality disorder, because this would be very bad for the more unsure and subtle neurotic. They are faced with a spouse or ex-spouse on the other side who wants to win at all costs and will use his or her full arsenal (intelligence, influence, money, violence, etc.) to achieve these ends. This label can help a fairly innocent neurotic person to access a self-protection program.
In many dysfunctional relationships, the convenient label “he/she is a narcissist” becomes the fashionable response. It has become so convenient and fashionable that, in the breakdown of a dysfunctional relationship, one (or both) of the parties is referred to as “the narcissist.” This simply means that we say “I am good and you are bad; you are the enemy,” thus justifying our unpleasant or manipulative behavior because “this person is bad and deserves what I throw at them—and I am a good person, so I am allowed to act this way.”
However, an ex-spouse with a real personality disorder (or “personality trap”) can be very dangerous indeed. In our second book, Smart Divorce: Taking Care of Yourself , we cover this material in depth. Whether they are playing the victim, have decided to attack you, or just want your children to hate you as a form of imaginary punishment, these people should be approached from a place of emotional sobriety. With all the drama going on, work on staying centered and try to forgive yourself for being in the situation. If possible, forgive him or her for his or her upset (difficult but helpful). Be as objective as possible. You and your children need to be safe, without passively allowing them to engage in worse behavior or causing more of it. It may not be fair, but it is reality. And it is not easy.
Related : Three Signs of a Highly Sensitive Narcissist
Superiority is not helpful; radical acceptance and a healthy plan of action—including outside help—are required. If your narcissism or self-importance is distorting your divorce, you are part of the problem, not the solution. You’re right; many people who fall into the victim or revenge persona, for example, may overreact to perceived wrongdoing, feel a sense of dreadful self-importance, and respond inappropriately. And note the not-so-rare problem of false reports of child abuse—or requests for protective orders that win in court instead of a real threat (obviously, when in doubt, make the decision—safety first). Divorce can be a minefield of destructive behavior—often encouraged by well-intentioned but inefficient and underfunded legal systems. That’s why I started the Smart Divorce Project and our online course in the first place. We need strong voices calling for moderation at a time when everyone can feel both victimized and vindicated. It can be messy.
If you think you’re being besieged by your unstable ex, I can only recommend that you seek professional counseling. First and foremost, she can help you see the situation more objectively. You may be underestimating how dangerous your ex is. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity—and you may need to intervene to deal with it effectively. On the other hand, when we therapists do our job right, we constructively confront people with aspects of themselves that they’d rather not see. For example, if you’re being triggered, over and over again, the problem may stem from a trauma or disappointment in your childhood, not just what’s happening in the moment. If that’s the case for you, you don’t want to traumatize everyone, if it’s not necessary. A careful self-inventory may be the right thing to do to prevent yourself from pretending to be good—and reacting destructively. No one likes to be attacked, especially when they think they’re innocent.
A good therapist can often help you prevent a mistake before you make it. The mistake you avoid is the damage you don’t need to repair.
What happens in all this media hype about narcissism and other labels is actually the continuation and encouragement of an immature attitude in relationships. When the term “narcissism” comes up, we revert to a “sticks and stones” mentality, rather than addressing the problem as adults, where both parties say “yes I have flaws, I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes.” Wouldn’t that be a more mature way to deal with these issues than by calling people names? Let’s not give people a comfortable label to encourage childish behavior, let’s instead encourage a mature perspective. Maybe if we were all more mature in our relationships, divorce rates would drop dramatically, but then, you’d sell fewer books 😉
Finally, on that note, here’s an insight that I think you and our other readers will appreciate.
No matter how developed you are, everyone can learn from this story.
