Many have fallen for the initial charm of a narcissist, but few have benefited from a long-term relationship with a narcissist. The idealization stage with a narcissist involves love bombing, sweeping the victim off his or her feet, and empty, bombastic promises that never come to fruition. This type of love bombing can happen across many different contexts. Imagine a narcissistic boss who promises his employees a dream job, then exploits them later. Or the narcissistic mother who dangles the carrot of temporary affection just to get her children to obey her. Maybe the narcissistic girlfriend who showers her partner with excessive compliments and visions of a future she knows will never come back, or the narcissistic husband who overwhelms his wife with constant attention before suddenly turning cold.

As an author who specializes in writing about toxic relationships, I have been told countless horror stories from victims regarding the sudden “shift” in the narcissist’s personality after the “honeymoon” phase. Narcissistic partners who appeared to be caring and loving partners until the victim was sufficiently invested in them then became cruel, cruel, indifferent, and chronically abusive. Some even waited until their literal honeymoon after the wedding to reveal themselves. By then, victims had already built an unbreakable bond with their narcissistic partners, from which they felt difficult to extricate themselves.

In these scenarios, manipulation and fraud, not real communication, are at the center of the dynamic. The narcissist maintains his control over the victim not through idealism alone, but through the cold and hot behavior that accompanies it. This leaves the narcissist’s victim trying to regain the abuser’s approval – to “reset” the relationship to its beautiful beginnings.

Withholding, intermittent reinforcement and abuse

Some of the most common methods narcissists use to block include stonewalling (shutting down conversations before they begin), the silent treatment, sudden withdrawal of affection and physical intimacy for no reason, and unexplained disappearances where they refuse to contact you or interact with you at all, even while they are enthusiastically interacting with others. As a way to rub salt on the wound.

According to researchers, some of these forms of deprivation can activate the same parts of the brain as those that register physical pain (Williams, 2007). In other words, being cruelly ignored by a narcissist who then indulges others in front of you can be a punch in the face. This pattern of demand and withdrawal in relationships can cause victims to expend their efforts trying to get their partner to behave differently, which only leads to fruitless efforts and further frustration (Schrodt, 2014).

What many do not realize is that narcissists deliberately withhold attention and affection intermittently throughout the relationship to keep the victim addicted to them. We know that intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors throughout the cycle of abuse is a tactic that allows dopamine to flow more easily in the brain, creating reward circuits in the brain associated with the abuser, and ultimately strengthening the addictive “trauma bond” between abuser and victim. (Carnell, 2012; Fisher, 2016). This is a bond created in relationship to power imbalances, periods of arousal and distress, and good/bad treatment (Carnes, 2010).

Withdrawal of affection and attention causes the victim to try to please the narcissist in order to regain the initial attention and affection they experienced at the beginning of the relationship. In the trauma-bound mind of the victim, even the harshest failures are worth the possibility of regaining their highest levels.

However, the period of narcissistic abstinence is actually a period of great potential strength for the survivor. Here are three ways to take back your power when you face a narcissist’s destructive avoidance behaviors:

1. Plan a safe exit.
   The period in which the narcissist withholds and withdraws from you is actually the perfect time for you to plan your safe exit from the relationship. The narcissist is likely “busy” grooming other victims and thinks you are busy longing for them. Little do they know that you will spend this precious time finding a way to escape from them. Since you’re not under the narcissist’s watchful eye or under the cover of his or her love bombing, it’s time for you to reconnect with the feelings of anger you feel when this person ignores, neglects, and belittles you in this way—and surreptitiously explore your privacy. Options.

Don’t alert the narcissist that you are doing this; Any and everything you do to empower yourself should be kept away from the narcissist until you are at a safe distance. If you are currently married to a narcissist, get your finances together, seek the services of an attorney experienced in dealing with high-conflict personalities, consult a therapist and domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan, and document the abuse in any legal proceedings. If you’re entrenched in a toxic workplace, look for other job opportunities, explore your passions on the side (especially any lucrative side hustles that might become full-time projects), and rework your resume in the meantime. Planning such a safe exit ensures that the narcissist will not suspect anything is wrong until you actually leave. He or she will not be able to trap you back into the cycle of abuse by trying to manipulate or threaten you. By then, you will be on your way to freedom.

2. Use any blocking periods as times for radical self-care and productivity.
   In addition to planning your exit, use these periods when the narcissist subjects you to stonewalling or silent treatment as periods of self-care and productivity. Channel your feelings into self-care activities such as yoga, meditation, writing (to help bring you back to the reality of the abuse), reading (preferably about manipulation techniques), and exercise. These will all serve as constructive outlets to reset your body and mind from the narcissist’s biochemical addiction.

Stay productive when you notice that the narcissist is deliberately staying away from you; Distracting yourself by pursuing activities related to your career, passion, and greater mission can help refocus on rebuilding your life away from the narcissist. Building social networks related to recovery from abuse and emotional manipulation; This is a great time to find a trauma-informed counselor who understands narcissistic personalities (if you don’t already have one), join an online forum for abuse survivors, or a real-life support group. These new networks and habits will enable you to have a safer place to land once you end the relationship for good.

3. Resolve to incorporate the painful lesson of desistance into your future experiences.
   Being with a narcissist gives you immeasurable social and emotional capital in the form of knowledge. You now have the insight needed to navigate interactions with emotional predators with greater skill and discernment. You no longer need to waste your valuable time and energy on people who neglect you, ignore you, or treat you inconsistently. When you recognize someone who is ignoring you the first time, you will now know how to withdraw your energy from them before it is too late. You will see negligence of any kind as an automatic deal-breaker and a red flag warning you against any further investment. Don’t let the pain you’ve experienced be in vain; Use it as a powerful reminder and fuel to help you stay away from narcissists — before they can trap you in the first place.