Narcissism is a broad term that encompasses narcissistic traits on a continuum from “healthy with extreme self-confidence” to the severe personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Empathy involves the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes; that is, the ability to imagine yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would feel, think, or want.

Our empathy allows us to imagine how others feel and allows us to see them as human beings rather than objects.

Lack of empathy or no empathy at all?

Some people have very little capacity for empathy and appear cold and insensitive; narcissists have little or no empathy (empathy makes it difficult to be harsh with others or ignore their humanity).

Even people who have the capacity for empathy can easily lose this capacity at certain times and places.

Certain defenses, such as rationalization (“She’s not a person—she’s just a body in a vegetative state”) or justification (“She wouldn’t feel anything”) allow us to distance ourselves from recognizing the suffering and humanity of others.

On the other hand, narcissists are often fully aware of their lack of empathy but don’t care—sometimes they even proclaim it as a virtue.

A lack of empathy is a hallmark of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

They simply don’t care about other people’s thoughts and feelings, especially if they conflict with their own.

Don’t expect them to listen, believe, understand, or support you. Here are some typical examples from narcissistic partners:

He would get really mad at me if I was sick. I’d say, “I sat here with you for days when you were depressed and couldn’t get out of bed. Now you can’t even be a little nice to me when I’m sick?”

My partner would hurt my feelings when things were going well. When I would ask him about it, he would make excuses and tell me that I was wrong for feeling the way I did, and if I didn’t like it, there was something wrong with me.

I could spend an hour explaining how I felt hurt and she would just sit there, cold as ice. When it was her turn to speak, she would tear up every word that came out of my mouth until I had to apologize for expressing my feelings. I ignored this red flag and made excuses for myself and others.

CanNarcissistsFakeEmpathy?

It is important to understand that narcissists can “fake” when it is convenient for their agenda.

In addition to the need to appear “normal” and generous, they also expect to get something in return. Narcissists’ partners said:

He made adaptations that allowed him to “appear” to be considerate and caring. Early in our marriage, he would ask me what I wanted to do. Then one day I realized that even though he was asking, we never ended up following my suggestions! When I mentioned this to him, he looked frustrated and acted like a child who had been caught doing something wrong.

I think that false empathy stems from a number of things. The need to fit in socially—appearing to be emotional and caring—is definitely one of them. In some cases, it may be a learned, albeit superficial, social skill. Like learning which tool to use when dining in polite company. In other cases, it’s a way to get what you want from people.

Related : Dealing With a Sadistic Narcissist – A Look Inside The Mind Of A Narcissist

She had “intellectual” empathy: she knew she had to react this way. She didn’t feel it on a soul/being level. She knew the words, but she couldn’t hear the emotional music of our relationship.

This lack of empathy is so foreign to us (after all, even some animals show evidence of empathy) that obvious incidents can pierce our denial. They can leave us angry, hurt, or feeling betrayed.

It can also be an eye-opener that we need to acknowledge the significant limitations that individuals with NPD experience.

As painful as it may be, coming to terms with their lack of empathy for us dispels the confusion of the push-pull (or in some cases, just push) cycle.

Narcissist and author Sam Vaknin writes in his book Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited:

I know that other people have feelings, needs, preferences, and priorities—but I simply can’t “get it in my head.” There’s an invisible barrier behind which I observe the rest of humanity that nothing human can penetrate. I empathize with my goldfish more than I do with “my closest people.”

I see all people as cardboard cutouts, sophisticated mechanical devices, surrogates, and robots. I know how I should feel because I’m well-informed—but I can’t bring myself to express my feelings and empathize with others. I care more about my material possessions than [almost] any man or woman alive.

Over the years, I’ve cracked this barrier. I’ve learned to emulate and skillfully mimic the most common emotions and expressions in the human inner landscape. But this shell can be easily breached when I’m frustrated or humiliated (“narcissistic injury”): the mask slips and the real me is revealed: a lurking predator.

Narcissist and Fake Empathy

Narcissists (especially “high-level narcissists” who have achieved great success in the world) are skilled at fake empathy or what some call pseudo-empathy.

“The socially gifted narcissist is an expert at convincing others that he cares deeply about them.

False empathy is exquisitely designed by the narcissist to manipulate others into meeting his narcissistic needs.

The narcissist is always filtering his world, looking for ways to meet his need for narcissistic supply, including his need for money, power, flattery, praise, and attention.

The narcissist seeks out intelligent, highly motivated people to whom he can delegate most of the work and then turn around and take all the credit for himself.

In his personal life, the narcissist is drawn to a partner or partners who reinforce his image of perfection, self-entitlement, and power. These partners are emotionally resilient and fascinated by his machinations and charm.

The narcissist traps his victims by appealing to their needs, which include: to be wanted, to be cared for, and to feel valuable, attractive, and powerful.

When the narcissist resorts to his well-practiced false empathy, the uninformed and vulnerable victim feels that Isolated as a very special person (often for the first time in their lives).

Many of the narcissist’s followers and victims never see through his fakeness. They continue to be selfless servants, unable to separate themselves from him psychologically or physically.

Those who realize the price they are paying (giving up their lives and needs) either leave or make a Faustian bargain, deciding that the lifestyle and privileges associated with being part of the narcissist’s world are worth it.