Do you know someone who can’t say “no” to a narcissist? If yes, then this person is likely an enabler.
An enabler is someone or something that facilitates or supports a particular behavior, action, or situation. It can refer to a person who enables or encourages the harmful or destructive behavior of another person, such as addiction or self-destructive habits.
In this blog post, we will explore the enabling role of narcissists, and discuss how you can break free from this toxic relationship dynamic.
Why does a narcissist need an enabler?
The enabler is important to narcissists because they depend on the people around them to get narcissistic supply.
Narcissists have an excessive sense of self-importance and a constant need for admiration and validation. They manipulate others to meet their own needs and desires, and enablers play a crucial role in this dynamic.
Enablers provide narcissists with praise, attention, and validation, which bolsters their inflated egos.
They also make excuses for the narcissist’s harmful behavior or cover up their mistakes, protecting them from facing the consequences of their actions.
Furthermore, enablers help narcissists by meeting their demands, meeting their needs, and satisfying their desires, even at the expense of their well-being.
It is important to note that enabling a narcissist can be harmful to both the enabler and the narcissist in the long run, as they end up emotionally exhausted as the narcissist becomes more entrenched in their harmful behavior patterns.
Why does the enabler support the narcissist?
The enabler supports the narcissist for various reasons, which can stem from both conscious and unconscious motives.
Here are some common reasons why an enabler might support a narcissist:
Fear often plays an important role
Enablers fear the narcissist’s wrath or retaliation if they confront them.
They may have witnessed or witnessed the narcissist’s anger, outbursts, or emotional abuse in the past, which now makes them reluctant to speak up.
A helper may believe that challenging the narcissist will lead to further abuse, punishment, or even abandonment.
This fear is fueled by the narcissist’s ability to manipulate situations, twist words, or blame the person they are helping.
It is also exacerbated by the frightening and volatile environment created and nurtured by the narcissist.
In some cases, enablers may have been conditioned over time to believe that their needs, opinions, and boundaries are insignificant compared to those of the narcissist.
They may have internalized the belief that their value is tied to meeting the narcissist’s demands and keeping them satisfied.
This fear-based dynamic creates a power imbalance, where the person doing the enabling feels trapped and powerless, unable to assert themselves or confront the narcissist’s harmful behavior.
By enabling the narcissist, the enabler hopes to avoid conflict, protect themselves from retaliation, and maintain some semblance of stability in their relationship with the narcissist.
Another reason may be that the enabler needs validation
Enablers may have experienced situations in their past where they felt invisible, unheard, or unimportant. Thus, narcissists’ need for it exploits their deep desire to feel appreciated and important.
This psychological desire is so strong that they may come to believe that their value lies in fulfilling the narcissist’s needs and desires, even if it means sacrificing their own well-being.
As a result, they end up falling into dependent traps
A relationship with a narcissist, where they feel validated by their role in the narcissist’s life, despite the toxicity of the relationship.
Enablers find a sense of purpose and identity in being the person who fulfills the narcissist’s demands and provides them with emotional support.
In fact, they often convince themselves that without them the narcissist would struggle or suffer, thus reinforcing their importance in the relationship.
Of course, in reality this sense of self-worth derived from the narcissist’s need is a distorted perception. The narcissistic helper ends up neglecting his own needs, dismissing his feelings, and sacrificing his own well-being in the process.
Over time, this can lead to emotional exhaustion, loss of personal boundaries, and a diminished sense of self.
Furthermore, denial or exhaustion can also contribute to enabling behavior
Some enablers may choose to overlook harmful aspects of their relationship with the narcissist, either because admitting them would be too painful, or because they feel too exhausted to confront the problems.
In these situations, the enabler convinces themselves that things are not as bad as they seem, or they may adopt a passive approach, tolerating the narcissist’s behavior without challenge.
This can be due to a variety of reasons and thinking patterns.
One reason is that confronting the reality of a toxic relationship can be very difficult and emotionally exhausting.
Accepting the true extent of the narcissist’s harmful behavior may require the enabler to confront his or her role in enabling him, which can be extremely painful.
To avoid this pain and cognitive dissonance, the enabler chooses to downplay or deny the seriousness of the situation.
Another reason is the extreme exhaustion that comes from dealing with the narcissist’s constant demands, manipulation, and emotional ups and downs.
Enablers may have experienced various forms of abuse or emotional distress throughout the relationship, leaving them emotionally drained and lacking the energy to confront problems head on.
They choose to tolerate the narcissist’s behavior out of sheer fatigue, hoping that things will improve on their own or that the narcissist will change.
In addition, some enablers may have developed a survival mechanism whereby they attempt to maintain a semblance of peace and stability by avoiding conflict.
They may believe that challenging the narcissist’s behavior will only escalate tensions and make the situation worse.
Adopting a passive approach can be seen as a way to maintain peace, even if it means sacrificing their well-being.
Finally, a feeling of loyalty or love can also compel enablers to support the narcissist.
Enablers usually have a history with narcissists that goes beyond their current behavior. They may have shared meaningful moments, positive experiences, or a deep emotional connection in the past.
These memories and feelings can create a strong bond and connection, making it difficult for the enabler to break away from the toxic dynamic.
Despite the narcissist’s damaging behavior, the person helping them may still care deeply about them and believe they can help or change them.
This inappropriate sense of loyalty or hope can make it difficult for enablers to step back and see the situation for what it is.
In addition, enablers often have a compassionate nature and truly want to help others.
They may believe that by siding with the narcissist, they can offer love, support, and understanding that will ultimately lead to positive change.
The enabler may also fear that abandoning the narcissist might leave him or her weak and alone.
These beliefs can be fueled by a desire to see narcissists as more than just their harmful behavior, and instead focus on their potential for growth and transformation.
Empowerment properties
The enabler tends to be low self-esteem.
They also have difficulty setting boundaries, and have difficulty saying “no” even when they know it is not in their best interest.
Here are the most common characteristics of enablers:
denial
Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that individuals use to deal with uncomfortable truths, and is one of the basic and fundamental characteristics of enablers.
Enablers resort to denial to avoid the stark reality of their loved one’s behavior.
This act of denial can manifest itself in many ways, from downplaying the seriousness of the narcissist’s behavior to completely ignoring his or her existence.
They constantly turn a blind eye to narcissistic abuse, rather than confront the problem.
This is because they fear the consequences of admitting the truth, such as damaged relationships or the need for difficult interventions.
Denial acts as a protective shield for enablers, allowing them to maintain a semblance of normalcy amid the chaos.
However, this denial only exacerbates the problem because it allows harmful behavior to continue unchecked.
However, the truth is that while denial may provide temporary relief to enablers, it ultimately perpetuates a cycle of hurt and avoidance.
Justification
Rationalization is a key mechanism used by enablers to rationalize the harmful habits of the individuals they empower.
This process often involves constructing a story that excuses the person for their harmful actions, placing blame on outside influences rather than one’s own choices.
Enablers may attribute unhealthy behavior to a range of external factors, including stress, difficult work environments, or traumatic past experiences.
They may argue that these external pressures are the driving forces behind negative actions, thus relieving the individual of any personal responsibility.
For example, if the person they are enabling has problems with substance abuse, the enabler may justify this by pointing to the individual’s high-stress job or troubled childhood.
Likewise, if a person displays aggressive behavior, the enabler may justify this as a response to pressures they face in their personal or professional life.
This style of justification serves two main purposes of empowerment.
First, it allows them to maintain their perception of the individual as a good person or a victim, despite harmful behavior.
Second, it helps them avoid facing the harsh reality of the situation, providing them with a sense of relief from the discomfort associated with admitting the truth.
However, such justifications can be harmful in the long run because they prevent the individual from facing the consequences of their actions and discourage them from seeking help or making necessary changes.
The cycle of harmful behavior continues uninterrupted, often escalating over time as a lack of accountability provides no incentive for improvement.
Fear of conflict
Enablers usually have a deep aversion to conflict.
This fear of confrontation is often so intense that they will do everything in their power to keep the peace, even if it means suppressing their needs and emotions.
They fear the potential repercussions that might result from challenging the person they are empowering. The idea of standing up to a narcissist can paralyze them.
They worry that such actions may spark heated arguments, resentment, or, in a worst-case scenario, lead to the end of the relationship.
Enablers often believe they are maintaining harmony by avoiding conflict, but this usually comes at the expense of their well-being.
In fact, this approach only perpetuates the toxic dynamic, where the narcissist continues to act out without facing any consequences, and the enabler continues to bear the brunt of the narcissist’s behavior.
This conflict avoidance, although it seems like a short-term solution, often leads to long-term emotional distress and an unhealthy power imbalance in the relationship.
Overprotection
Enablers often show an overprotective instinct.
This overprotection manifests as an intense desire to protect the narcissist from any form of harm or discomfort, even when it is a direct result of his or her actions.
Enablers believe that they are acting in the best interest of the person they are enabling, which saves them from the repercussions of their behavior.
However, this overly protective attitude often extends beyond what is reasonable or healthy.
It can be likened to the behavior of overprotective parents who, despite their best intentions, inadvertently stifle their children’s growth and resilience by isolating them from all forms of adversity.
Likewise, enablers, driven by an intense desire to protect the narcissist, end up reinforcing toxic dynamics by preventing the narcissist from facing the repercussions of their actions.
By doing their best to “save” narcissists, enablers not only deprive them of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, they also contribute to perpetuating their harmful behavior.
This creates an enabling cycle where the narcissist continues to act without accountability, and the enabler remains stuck in a pattern of overprotection and self-neglect.
Absence of boundaries
Enablers usually have a clear absence of boundaries.
They struggle with asserting their own needs and often find themselves prioritizing the narcissist’s desires over their own.
This conflict stems from a deep belief that their own needs and feelings are less important, or even completely irrelevant, compared to the needs and feelings of the person they are empowering.
This lack of boundaries extends beyond simply acquiescing to the narcissist’s demands. It involves a complete disregard for personal space, time and emotional well-being.
Enablers often find themselves always available, always agreeing, and always ready to step in and rescue the narcissist, all at the expense of their own needs and self-care.
By constantly putting a narcissist’s needs above their own, enablers inadvertently contribute to the erosion of their self-worth and reinforce an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship.
This lack of boundaries not only feeds the narcissist’s sense of entitlement, but also traps the enabler in a cycle of self-deprecation and overextension.
High levels of empathy
Enabled people are usually highly empathic, a trait that although usually laudable, can become a problem when dealing with a narcissist.
Their intense empathetic nature can blur the lines between their own feelings and the feelings of the person they are enabling.
This difficulty in distinguishing between their own feelings and the narcissist’s feelings can lead them to internalize the other person’s pain, guilt, or blame, as if these feelings were their own.
This high degree of empathy is like being an emotional sponge, absorbing and reflecting the narcissist’s feelings.
It is not uncommon for enablers to feel a deep sense of sadness when the narcissist is upset, or to feel guilty when the narcissist faces the consequences of their actions.
While this deep empathy may seem like a virtue, it can be detrimental to the emotional health of the person doing the enabling.
By constantly absorbing the narcissists’ negative emotions, enablers end up feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.
This perpetuates unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, as the narcissist continues to act out without facing the emotional consequences of his or her actions.
Caring behavior
Enablers often assume a temporary role. They often believe they can help or “fix” the narcissist, which leads them to take on responsibilities and address problems that are not theirs to solve.
This caring behavior stems from a desire to alleviate the narcissist’s suffering and create an environment in which the narcissist does not have to face the consequences of his or her actions.
However, this goes beyond just being supportive or helpful.
Caring behavior for a narcissist often involves intervening to manage the narcissist’s life, especially when it comes to their relationships and other interpersonal issues.
They end up cleaning up the narcissist’s mistakes, apologizing for their mistakes, and protecting them from criticism or blame.
While the person who enables the narcissist may believe they are acting out of love or care, this over-involvement in the narcissist’s life is actually harmful.
Not only does it deprive narcissists of the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes, it also places an undue burden on the person helping them, leading to stress and burnout.
Co-dependency
Enablers often find themselves involved in codependent relationships with the individual they are enabling.
This co-dependence develops as an intense emotional and psychological dependence on the narcissist, to the point that their self-esteem and emotional health become inextricably linked to the narcissist’s behavior and approval.
In a codependent relationship, the enabling person’s sense of self-worth often depends on the narcissist’s mood, actions, or perceptions. They feel validated when the narcissist is satisfied and depressed when the narcissist is unhappy.
This dependency creates a vicious cycle where the enabler constantly seeks affirmation and acceptance from the narcissist, further fueling the unhealthy dynamics of the relationship.
Furthermore, the emotional well-being of the empowered person becomes increasingly dependent on the relationship status.
They experience high levels of anxiety and stress when there is conflict or instability, and a false sense of peace or happiness when things are going well.
These volatile feelings can be emotionally draining and damaging to their mental health.
Codependency also creates a power imbalance in the relationship, where the enabler is constantly giving and the narcissist is constantly taking.
This dynamic perpetuates enabling behavior and hinders the growth and independence of both parties involved.
Inability to say no
Enablers often struggle with the ability to say no to the person they are enabling, even when complying with the narcissist’s demands or desires is clearly against their own interests.
The inability to say no is more than just difficulty setting boundaries. This is often related to their fear of conflict, rejection, or upsetting the narcissist.
They may worry that saying no might lead to confrontation, withdrawal of affection, or increased tension in the relationship.
As a result, they often find themselves agreeing to things they would rather not do, or tolerating behaviors they find unacceptable.
In addition, enablers may also believe that by always saying yes, they can keep peace, maintain harmony in the relationship, or even change the narcissist’s behavior.
However, this often results in the enabler neglecting their own needs and well-being, and further entrenches unhealthy dynamics in the relationship.
Sacrificing personal well-being
Enablers often find themselves prioritizing the narcissist’s well-being, often at the expense of their own health, happiness, and success.
This sacrifice of personal well-being is a common trait among enablers, and manifests itself in different ways.
They often neglect their own needs, desires, and aspirations, pouring all their energy and focus into supporting the narcissist.
This can include anything from ignoring their physical health to sidelining their career goals or personal interests.
The world of empowerment begins to revolve entirely around the narcissist, and their private lives take a backseat.
Furthermore, this self-sacrifice often extends to their emotional well-being as well.
They often suppress their feelings to avoid conflict or to keep the narcissist happy. This can lead to emotional distress, feelings of resentment, and even mental health problems such as anxiety or depression.
In addition, the social life of the empowered person may also suffer. They often isolate themselves from friends and family, either to hide the narcissist’s behavior or because the narcissist demands all of their time and attention. This isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and stress.
Freedom from the enabling role
Breaking free from an enabling role is not an easy process, but it is essential for personal growth and mental health.
Here are some actionable steps to help you steer clear of this harmful dynamic:
Pattern recognition
The first step is to admit that you are enabling narcissistic behavior.
This may be difficult to accept, but it is necessary to move forward.
Do you constantly make excuses for someone’s harmful actions?
Do you feel responsible for managing their emotions?
If so, these may be signs that you are playing the role of enabler.
educate yourself
Learn about narcissistic behavior and the role of enablement.
Understanding the dynamics at play can help you see the situation more objectively.
By recognizing narcissistic behavior and the role of enabler, individuals can gain the insight needed to recognize and respond to these situations more effectively.
