One characteristic of men and women with narcissistic habits is that they can be frustrating to deal with, whether as a business partner or as someone to live with at home.
Related: 8 Ways To Deal With A Malignant Narcissist — The Most Evil Type Of Narcissist
As a therapist who specializes in helping couples build more fulfilling marriages, I focus on this trait in particular.
What is this habit that most people overlook in narcissists?
There are many signs of narcissism, but the most telling and overlooked sign is a habitual failure to listen.
Narcissistic people tend to talk too much and listen too little. The narcissist knows best, so why bother listening to what others have to say?
Have you ever talked to someone who responded by saying no?
Narcissists ignore, deny, or denounce what others say instead of really listening.
There are two tips that clarify this matter:
The word “but” deletes what came before it – “But the better way to look at it is…”
Tone of Voice: If the response sounds provocative or dismissive, it is the sound of an unwillingness to hear what is true about what you have just said.
You are especially likely to trigger deafness in the narcissist if your comment differs from the narcissist’s point of view. Narcissistic people hear words but block out the meaning and message of the words they hear.
Related: 7 Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Guy Who’s Trying To Manipulate You
Why do therapists tend to miss bad listening habits when they assess narcissism?
People with narcissistic tendencies tend to listen to someone who they perceive to be higher in authority than them. If those with narcissistic habits respect their therapist, their listening to their therapist may seem completely normal.
In contrast, if the therapist sees the same client interacting with his or her spouse or staff, the listening patterns are likely to be starkly different—dismissing, completely ignoring, downplaying the point the spouse or employee has just made, disagreeing with it, and pointing it out It’s a shame.
Most psychologists work with individual clients rather than couples, and thus miss insight into narcissistic listening habits.
Furthermore, another reason why therapists rarely notice the narcissistic style of dismissive listening is that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists factors that therapists use to diagnose emotional problems and problematic personality patterns.
Unfortunately, this guide does not mention listening flaws as a diagnostic factor for narcissism, so therapists tend not to look for it.
Again, psychology in general, and especially the psychiatrists who write the DSM, have historically focused primarily on individuals rather than on what those individuals do when they interact with others.
What are some ways to help you deal more effectively with dismissive narcissistic listening?
- Don’t take it personally.
If someone you know speaks with minimal listening, first and foremost, don’t take it personally. Dismissing what you say as wrong or irrelevant says more about that person than it does about you or what you said.
Just as you wouldn’t take personally the limited hearing ability of someone who is partially deaf, you should realize that your narcissistic friend, co-worker, or loved one has a real disability.
Related: The Agony Of Being Spiritually Abused By Religious Narcissists
- Repeat what you said.
Just as you would repeat, perhaps louder, what you were trying to say to a deaf person, find ways to tactfully repeat the message you were trying to get across.
One formula for repeating a politely ignored comment is to first cooperatively agree with what the narcissist said. Then repeat your previous point. This means agreeing, then adding your point of view.
You: The walls of this room are an unusual green color.
Narcissist: No, they are not. They are yellow.
You: Yes, I agree that they are yellowish in color and at the same time there is a lot of green in yellow, like lemon.
Related: Induced Conversation: A Narcissist’s Most Powerful Weapon
Why are we attracted to narcissistic people?
Narcissists may initially seem very attractive. Many narcissistic individuals are good-looking, make a good living, and are fun to be around.
Women are attracted to narcissistic men because they appear strong, special, and confident. Men are attracted to narcissistic women who are strikingly beautiful or sexually attractive.
Only when narcissists begin to ignore their partner’s concerns and reject what their partner says does narcissistic listening disorder become a source of relationship tensions.
