“Colin,” our marriage counselor said. “This is what we call armchair psychology.”
His delivery was straightforward.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have a little Dr. Phil in you?” I said jokingly. I was referring to some of our recent conversations and how he didn’t pull any punches. Our therapist told it like it was.
“Why yes,” he said. “I’ve been told that before.”
There was a reason he called what I said armchair psychology.
It was the beginning of marriage counseling with me and my husband. This was our third date and I should have listened more and talked less. But we went to marriage counseling because we were unhappy and frustrated and needed to vent.
Some marriage counselors are Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) and some are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). Our scientist was a psychiatrist.
I just commented on my husband’s behavior.
Why?
Because of course, my husband was the problem.
Isn’t that why we all go to couples counseling? We think the finger will be pointed at our husband. I’m sure that was the only reason my husband left: so I could blame it on me.
One day, I met with our advisor alone, “Colin,” he said. “Your husband is who he is, but you made every choice you made to stay with him.”
This wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It seemed as if some of the blame had been directed towards me.
Good counselors teach us how to heal, and we can only heal if we take responsibility for the choices and decisions we have made. We remain stuck in victim mode. The situation: “Someone else did this to me. I was wronged.”
My ex-husband was diagnosed as lacking empathy and suffering from narcissistic personality disorder on the severe end of the spectrum. Some people might think that would give me a get-out-of-jail-free card. I can’t be blamed for any of our marital problems.
I was and I wasn’t.
I don’t take much responsibility because I always say there is a third party in my marriage: addiction and narcissism.
There cannot be two sides to an entire error. Instead, there was a misbehaving party and an enabler.
I was empowered. There is nothing healthy about someone who cares excessively, frequently tolerates bad behavior, and makes constant excuses for those he loves. An enabler who lacks the self-protective instincts and boundaries to get out of an unhealthy situation sooner.
But the first thing I learned in marriage counseling was to focus on myself.
I had to learn more about my identity and grow from the mistakes I made.
I had to learn that I have a nice personality. I learned that I was a pleaser and a fixer and tended to save people. I have learned that I am an enabler who needs to know what healthy boundaries are. I had to reflect on the fact that I had kept myself in an unhappy situation for too long.
Some people were upset about that, especially since I left a narcissist.
They thought it was victim shaming.
But I don’t recognize being a victim.
My ex-husband’s behavior was his own. It wasn’t mine. He did what he did. He is responsible for all his bad decisions and behavior.
I am responsible only for myself.
I went to couples counseling to focus on my husband. But the most important lesson I learned was to focus on myself.
