At the heart of narcissism is an inflated sense of self-worth accompanied by a deep thirst and delusions of admiration from others. Accordingly, narcissists view relationships primarily as opportunities for self-enhancement, surrounding themselves with potential admirers while avoiding or rejecting those who are perceived as critical or unappreciative. The process of attracting, recruiting, and retaining the attention of others is a never-ending endeavor for the narcissist, requiring great energy and effort.

If you find yourself in a narcissist’s orbit, it helps to be aware of their preferred manipulation tactics. Most of us assume that relationships are reciprocal; That people form relationships based on mutual interests and genuine care. Narcissists turn this naivety against you by presenting themselves, at least initially, as attentive and concerned about your needs. Over time, efforts to manipulate your feelings and behavior escalate, but they can be difficult to identify because the essence of manipulation is deception.

In his famous work The Prince, published posthumously in 1532, philosopher and author Niccolò Machiavelli articulated the practical uses of force, deception, dishonest flattery, and other unscrupulous means by which rulers exercise political power. His observations about the darker aspects of human nature, along with strategies for exploiting others, remain relevant to this day. The term “Machiavellianism” was coined by personality psychologists to apply it to the cunning and often subtle methods that narcissists (as well as psychopaths – people who callously defy social norms) use to control others while elevating their status, power, or reputation. Here are some common manipulation tactics used by narcissists:

BlameYou

Shame is anathema to narcissists. The emotion of shame is a familiar and unpleasant feeling characterized by a universal and deflating sense of inadequacy, weakness, or badness. Blame can be viewed as a way to assign responsibility for what is “wrong.” In their battle to keep shame at bay, narcissists are busy shifting blame externally.

Narcissists will ask you to accept and confirm their uplifting narratives about what happened in what situation, who did what to whom, and who is to blame for any misfortune. The narcissist will inevitably blame others for their actions or shortcomings, putting you in the role of passive cheerleader. Worse still, you will gradually find yourself on the blame list. Trying to defend yourself from illogical accusations will backfire; Your attempts to defend yourself will be viewed as harshly insincere, resulting in angry attacks.

Hidden or overt devaluation of the currency

The narcissist’s outsized sense of self will require you to get used to occupying a lower role in the relationship. The narcissist’s treatment may be overt and bad or more subtle, but the message will be that you lack the important qualities that the narcissist claims to have. If you fail to accept your role as a submissive, grateful follower, you may be met with outbursts of anger or punitive silence.

Playing on your ability to feel guilty

Guilt is different from shame. Shame involves focusing on a universal sense of self, while guilt is a feeling felt as a result of remorse for actions that have hurt another person. The narcissistic personality is relatively immune to real guilt. Experiencing true guilt requires the ability to acknowledge wrongdoing and focus on the effects of our actions on another person. These traits are generally missing in the narcissist.

While narcissists do not feel true guilt, they are aware that others do, which provides them with another tool for manipulation. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, attempts to assert your own needs or values may lead to complaints or accusations designed to play on your feelings of guilt. You will feel that your (very reasonable) actions are causing terrible narcissistic pain. One sign of a toxic relationship with a narcissist is the feeling that you are continuing to communicate out of a sense of obligation and guilt rather than of your own free will.

Bullying and invalidation

One of the most painful results of narcissistic manipulation is the feeling that your needs, opinions, and preferences are not being heard. The narcissist finds it hard to see you as a separate individual from the conformist, admiring helper their fantasies require. Over time, the gaslighting as well as the pressures to adopt a narcissistic worldview will take its toll on you. For example, children raised by narcissistic parents react to this chronic treatment by doubting the validity of their own experiences. As adults, they may develop low self-esteem combined with angry feelings shrouded under a disconcerting veil of guilt over the imagined betrayal.

Resist manipulation

Patients often compare the experience of separation from a narcissistic relationship to the experience of leaving a cult. Setting firm boundaries and sticking to them is the first essential task. What you ultimately decide to do will depend on the context and circumstances of your relationship with the narcissist, including his or her willingness to adapt to any changes. It may be possible to negotiate boundaries or boundaries that maintain your integrity while maintaining a mutually rewarding relationship. I generally advise against completely cutting ties with close family members if possible. You can instead limit communication while setting and monitoring strict boundaries regarding mutual behavior and expectations. Managing a romantic relationship with a narcissist may require that you engage in psychotherapy. Safety is paramount. Physical safety is a must, especially if children are involved. Separation from a narcissistic partner may generate narcissistic rage, which can be dangerous to confront without effective support.