When you’re wrestling with whether to leave a relationship, you may ask yourself if your partner is a narcissist.
I get this question a lot because what I specialize in is recovery from narcissistic abuse. By the time someone reaches out to me, they have thought about this question for a long time.
I thought yes, but never settled with the thought. Being okay with my partner is a narcissist that doesn’t happen for long, here’s why.
#Why is it difficult to leave a narcissistic partner?
When you’re in a relationship with someone on the narcissism scale, you don’t have a balanced dynamic. These types of partnerships are generally known to be emotionally abusive and unhealthy.
The type of person who enters into a relationship with a narcissist is not the same type of person at the end of that relationship. Anyone can get into one. While some people have low self-esteem and a shattered sense of stability before entering into one of these relationships, this is not always the case.
Often times, the person they are attracted to comes from a stable background and has a functional sense of self. Narcissistic abuse robs you of that. It cuts you to the core and destabilizes even the most stable people.
The reason is that the narcissist is like a chameleon. They turn into what you want them to absorb you into initially. This is commonly known as the “love bombing” phase.
In this initial stage, they will be what you want and need to get stuck into. This will look different for each person. This is why two different people have alternate versions of the same narcissist. If you ever meet the new show, they will tell you what a narcissist looks like to them and you may be shocked by the way they act versus you. This is because they needed something different from the narcissist more than you do. Or because the narcissist needs something different from them.
For example: A narcissist may only want money and admiration from one person, and sex from another, but want children and the appearance of a stable life from a third person. They will turn out to be a different person from each other because what they want from each other is different.
This stage of addiction causes addiction. It aims to generate bonding and unhealthy coping mechanisms so that you accept bad behavior. You become addicted to the hot/cold cycle and before you know it, you become disorganized and have trouble knowing which way to end. This time is characterized by brain fog, confusion, and mood swings.
A healthy relationship doesn’t have these things regularly. Everyone will have moments like this because we are human. The difference between these normal events and the way they appear in a narcissistic relationship is 1. repetition and 2. extreme highs and lows.
This hot/cold course aims to turn you into a certified associate. You end up relying on them to validate your identity and provide you with all the love you used to give yourself. He breaks boundaries and forms a painful bond with the narcissist.
One of the reasons this situation can be difficult to extricate yourself from is the Karpman Drama Triangle.
Related: I Almost Missed This Subtle Red Flag On My First Date With A Narcissist
#KarpmanDramaTriangle
The Karpman Drama Triangle describes a pattern found in all narcissistic relationships. It is a social model of dysfunctional human interactions.
This is the perfect way to explain the codependency cycle of narcissists.
If you’re the type of person who likes to help others and is good at getting things done, you may find yourself stuck in this rut.
The triangle consists of:
- victim
- Savior
- oppressor
These are moving parts. You can move between titles throughout the relationship.
Think about the things that happened between you and the narcissist in your life. Were there times when they unfairly accused you of hurting them? When they were the ones hurting you? When they tried you with a third party, they lied to them about you.
Now try to mark the role that suits you at that moment.
Roles in this dynamic shift so quickly it can make your head spin. In a single argument, you can move from one universe to another in a matter of minutes.
All of which are necessary to keep the dynamic alive. If you remove any piece from the equation, the whole thing falls apart.
There can be no victim if there is no persecutor, and no savior if no one is a victim. Switch the roles and everything will remain the same. They are all vital pieces in this game.
This is why it is difficult for you to get yourself out of this pattern. You are an important player! No matter what current role you hold, you are very important in that role. And the game you play -> your life. Your place in the world you exist in.
How are you supposed to stop doing that?
Related: When You Start Missing Your Narcissistic Ex, Remember This One Thing
