Key Points

Highly narcissistic parents may create and prolong conflict even after the divorce papers are signed.

Children exposed to severe parental conflict may, in some cases, develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Deliberately creating a safe and nurturing environment can help counteract the negativity of an abusive parent.

Parenting after a divorce with a narcissistic ex-spouse is not without its challenges and frustrations. Divorce is never easy, even under the best of circumstances, and it can take a toll on children.

Studies over the years have focused on children’s experiences during divorce and their effects on development (Elam et al., 2016; Jackson et al., 2016; Wallerstein et al., 2013; Warshak, 2020; Weaver & Schofield, 2014). Divorce of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder—or even someone who simply has higher levels of narcissistic or argumentative traits—is more prone to conflict, both in and out of court, and emotional and psychological abuse (Labatut, 2022). Evidence suggests that narcissists in particular tend to use family court to project their failings and shortcomings onto the other parent/ex-spouse so that they can achieve the ultimate form of control: child custody (Labatut, 2022).

Parental Conflict Affects Children the Most

Lawyers, judges, and other government organizations tend to forget that children are the most vulnerable psychologically, emotionally, and mentally. Divorce and ongoing conflict between parents have been documented as negative childhood experiences that can lead to emotional distress, broken relationships with parents and extended families, and emotional disturbances (Dalton et al., 2009; Haddad et al., 2016; Sarkis, 2016; Visser et al., 2017).

Individuals high in narcissism are known to have personality traits such as low agreeableness and empathy, which can lead to increased neuroticism, aggression, and interpersonal conflict (Kim and Yoo, 2020). This tendency toward constant arguments and conflict often causes serious problems in personal relationships, which can then lead to separation, divorce, and strained friendships.

Behind closed doors, it is often the children of the union who have to deal with their parents’ arguments regularly. Studies have shown that witnessing or experiencing parental conflict has negative outcomes for children (Lange et al., 2022). These impacts include post-traumatic stress symptoms (Lange et al., 2022), parental alienation, and mental health issues (Bush-Brits et al., 2018; O’Hara et al., 2019).

Short- and long-term consequences for children

Divorce from a narcissist who continually incites conflict can be problematic for all parties involved and, in some cases, is considered a form of child neglect (Joyce, 2016). Unfortunately, once a divorce is finalized, narcissistic conflict does not automatically stop. Life does not automatically improve for parents or children in high-conflict divorces once the papers are signed. Demby (2016) notes that a small but significant percentage of parents remain involved in conflict even after the divorce is legally finalized.

Constant exposure to conflict challenges children’s short- and long-term adjustment (Demby, 2016) and can hinder relationships with new people in their parent’s lives. A 2021 study by Lang and colleagues found a strong association between parental conflict and children’s PTSD symptoms. Importantly, this was the first study to conclusively link children’s PTSD symptoms to severe parental conflict.

Prolonged conflict can transform PTSD into PTSD (Lange et al., 2021). Symptoms of PTSD in children include physical symptoms—such as frequent headaches or stomachaches—difficulty concentrating, irritability, problems at school, difficulty sleeping, or regressive behaviors such as bedwetting (CHOP, n.d.)

Helping Your Child Heal

Unfortunately, people high in narcissism tend to lack empathy and understanding for others; this often includes their children. Narcissistic, high-conflict parents may argue in the presence of children, engage them in inappropriate adult conversations or situations, deny parenting time or contact, or treat the child as a messenger. Parental alienation and the destruction of parent-child relationships are painfully common among narcissists (Harman et al., 2020). Parents with a narcissistic personality disorder may express a desire to hurt the other parent and may not hesitate to use children to do so (Harman et al, 2020).

In such cases, the non-narcissistic parent is likely to have a long and difficult road ahead. Above all, he or she and their remaining family must dedicate themselves to providing a healthy, safe, and accepting environment for the children.

Children see a lot—both good and bad—and often emulate what they see. Divorce and separation should not change a child’s support system or understanding of who they love. If they see hatred, they may emulate hatred.

Parents, even those going through a divorce, should focus on teaching them what love is, rather than focusing on what it isn’t. Experts advise avoiding name-calling or belittling the other parent; it’s also important not to involve children in adult conversations.

If a child was living in a troubled home before the divorce, parents should make a special effort to show them how calm the family is, and not to yell. If your child’s only knowledge of adult relationships is constant bickering, name-calling, and lack of affection, be sure to express your affection for him and other family members now. It’s never too late to create a supportive environment and show children what love means.