Dying alone can be a terrifying thought for many. But there are worse things in this world, like being in a toxic relationship.
Toxic relationships can suffocate you and leave you feeling unloved and unappreciated. So why do we stay when we know we should leave?
Gina Gomez is a coach who specializes in all things breakup and relationships. In an Instagram post, she explains the real reason you can’t get over your toxic relationship.
The hidden reason is that it is very difficult to leave a toxic relationship
“You know the relationship is toxic,” Gomez writes. “The daily chaos tears at your soul, damaging your self-worth.
Despite this, you stay and endure because being single “means questioning your worth in ways you’ve been avoiding while focusing on the drama.”
Related: 15 Tragic Signs You’re Stuck In A Toxic Relationship
It is understandable that everyone wants to be loved in this life. We want to feel special and feel cared for. But a toxic relationship is just a toxic relationship. There is no love to be found, only pain to be experienced.
Even though you know this, you can’t force yourself to leave.
“Financial dependence on your partner can make you feel as if there is no escape,” says licensed counselor Helen Nieves. You may think that if you leave, you will never be able to survive on your own, and for some, that is the real reason they stay.
For others, they believe they are unlovable. Their partners have convinced them that no one will like their flaws, and if they leave, they will be truly alone.
Regardless, we need to find a way to disconnect so we can put ourselves first. But how do we do that?
“Start by pretending you’re giving a friend advice,” suggests licensed counselor Carissa Chi. “We tend to be more direct and more empathetic to our friends’ attitudes than to our own,” she writes.
Then question your partner’s actions. Are they changing or ready to change? Do their actions match their words? “Can they have a conversation and work through things,” Chi writes.
After all this, ask yourself: Is this person suitable for you? Chi explains: “Will this person get me where I want to go? Am I capable of being who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?”
Knowing what is important to you can help you make the right decision.
Related: 5 Crystal-Clear Signs That Your Toxic Relationship Is Not Meant To Be
Staying reinforces your belief that you need the love of others to be worthy
This may sound a bit harsh, but if saying goodbye still feels like pulling teeth to you – this could be a sign that you are using someone else’s love to measure your self-worth.
If you’re not sure, ask yourself these questions. “Are you trying to get praise from others,” advises licensed therapist Jennifer Leitner. Do you jump from one relationship to another or feel bad about saying no? Or are you indecisive and afraid to be independent?
If yes, then you tend to seek external validation.
But as Gomez writes, “Admitting these insecurities is your ticket to freedom.”
“A 2016 study suggests that emotional validation from mothers, especially in childhood, builds emotional awareness,” Leitner explains.
