We are told that we live in an age of narcissism. Bloggers complain that Facebook is encouraging narcissistic tendencies in young people. Self-help books tell us that parents are making their children narcissists because they give them too much attention. These are just a few of the negative images of narcissism in our society. But in our rush to criticize narcissism, are we missing out on some of its benefits? People who meet the mental health profession’s criteria for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder have several characteristics that create significant difficulties in their daily lives. The new psychiatric manual, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, will require people with the disorder to exhibit a range of behaviors that include excessive attention seeking, a need for others to validate their identity, an excessive desire to please others, an inability to empathize with others, a lack of interest in close relationships, and feelings that deserve special treatment. This is not a desirable set of traits, and people with this disorder may struggle in their daily lives, especially if they have the “weak” form of narcissism based on a basic low sense of self-esteem.
Given this long list of problems, it seems as if narcissism is a mental condition that we should avoid like the plague. However, narcissistic personality disorder does not fully characterize the psychological quality of narcissism. Freud himself argued that narcissism can be positive, especially in early childhood, when we need to lay a solid foundation of “self-love.” Based on this hypothesis, parents can help their children build a healthy personality by finding the right balance between offering too much admiration and too little positive attention. Parents who over-praise their children may lead them to develop “grandiose narcissism.” The opposite parenting style may produce a child with the weak form of narcissism, in what is called the psychodynamic mask model of narcissism.
Some children are fortunate to have parents who find the sweet spot between too little and too much praise. They start life with a modest, positive self-image that they can then carry into adolescence, a period that can challenge even the strongest self-esteem. As they enter their 20s, or what psychologists call adulthood, this healthy foundation of personality can help young people continue to adapt positively to life. A teenager with high levels of NPD is also likely to become a less grandiose adult, according to research on NPD.
Popular perceptions tend to emphasize an exaggerated version of narcissism, especially when narcissism is extreme enough to warrant a diagnosis of a personality disorder. However, by focusing on the disorder alone, these perceptions miss the point. A moderate amount of the right kind of narcissism can be beneficial to well-being. Researchers have identified a quality of adaptive narcissism. People with a good dose of adaptive narcissism can be self-sufficient, capable of assuming leadership positions, and confident. They also seem to be better able to handle anxiety, especially in social situations. There is reason to believe that having the right amount of adaptive narcissism may be particularly adaptive in helping people maintain healthy habits. College students with moderate levels of narcissism appear to be less anxious about having their bodies in sight when they exercise in a group setting (Akehurst & Thatcher, 2010). Furthermore, a study of adults in the Netherlands found that individuals aged 18 to 78 who had higher scores on narcissism were more likely to engage in physical activity. All other things being equal, it doesn’t matter why you exercise as you age, it matters that you do it. But again, it’s important to remember that moderation is key. People who are high in narcissism can become compulsive exercisers and develop eating disorders if they allow their physical preoccupations to get out of hand.
Having the “right degree” of narcissism may also help people care more about what they wear and how they look after themselves, thus presenting a more professional image. For better or worse, society rewards people who are looking for jobs or promotions and spend more time polishing their appearance. People who are high in adaptive narcissism are more likely to seek those jobs or promotions because their self-confidence drives them to aim high.
How can adaptive narcissism help individuals develop healthier relationships? People with a strong sense of self-esteem will be better able to find a balance between being overly dependent on others and overly dependent on themselves. They may be self-sufficient but still be able to have intimate relationships. At the same time, they may be better at parenting. Because they don’t need to see their children as an extension of themselves, they are more likely to have mentally healthy children. Adaptive narcissists will not be overprotective parents but will give their children more room to grow on their own terms.
At work or school, someone with moderately high adaptive narcissism will be a great addition to your team or class. They’re not the type to shy away from leadership positions, and they’ll help make sure projects get done. While people high in maladaptive narcissism will try to shirk as many duties as possible, those with a fair degree of self-reliance will readily contribute to the group effort. They may invest too much in the outcome of a project, or become a bit assertive, but adaptive narcissists will do everything they can to ensure the project’s success.
Follow these five tips to benefit from boosting your adaptive narcissism:
- Build some healthy narcissism to protect your health. Without being overly concerned with your appearance, incorporate control over your diet and exercise habits into your daily life.
- Don’t worry about how you look when you exercise. A study of adaptive narcissism in college students has shown that the benefits of not being afraid to exercise in public are many. Remember, most people at the gym are more concerned with their appearance than yours.
- Find the right balance between assertiveness and restraint in leadership situations. If you’re a natural leader, you’re likely to try to take control when no one else seems ready to take charge. As long as you’re sure you’re not crowding out others, do it. But if you’re constantly taking over your coworkers or students, it’s time to step back instead of stepping up.
- Turn on your empathy detector. People who are high in narcissism are less likely to sense other people’s emotions because they’re more in tune with their own. Even if you get a healthy dose of the healthy kind of narcissism, you should be wary of your vulnerabilities.
- Try to help narcissists you know see the light. People with a less adaptive form of narcissism can be reassured that they can turn their weaknesses into personal strengths.
Being a narcissist doesn’t necessarily mean being selfish, exploitative, or emotionless. Find ways to turn that mirror back on yourself, even just a little, and your adaptive narcissism may benefit you in unexpected ways.
