My work meets many requirements, but one thing I never do is judge anyone for staying in an abusive relationship.
Sure, I advise. I support. I listen.
My favorite thing to do is give reasons why you should stay. There are many reasons, but they all revolve around one common answer.
Sometimes, certain topics resonate more with readers than others, and this is one of those fundamental themes that every other behavior, action, or belief is built upon.
If you can shake these foundations, everything you believe about yourself will fall away, allowing you to rebuild and re-empower.
Let’s start at the beginning.
What You Loved In The Start,You Fear Now
Yes, the beginning—in every aspect.
At the beginning of your relationship, you won’t suspect abuse. You’ll be blinded by all the bright lights your abuser is showing you.
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That is, until you follow the light, while he or she continues to hide their true self in the dark.
Someone who doesn’t suspect you is a powerful target for abuse. There he finds you, and that’s how he lures you in.
When someone is lured in this way, it’s usually accompanied by a kind of attachment, a bond so strong that it’s impossible to pull away from.
You learn to rely on him as the person who is the solution to all your problems and no one else can match him.
His love was strong and protective—and he fought for you. You felt seen as a result, and you didn’t want to be anywhere else.
It was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Suddenly, the person you loved so quickly makes you tremble when they’re around. They try to make everything okay shortly after attacking you, and instead of feeling comfortable, you panic when they touch you.
Fear is alive.
Insecurity Tells You No
Victims often stay in abusive relationships because they’re insecure about walking away. They don’t know how to live without their abuser because all the control they have means you have none.
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Where do you go without any control?
How do you take care of yourself without anything?
You can’t imagine coping without them, so you decide to stay as your only option.
It’s Normal for You Now
The answer that makes me feel so sad is the way their abuse has become normal for you now.
The disorganized way they treat you and keep you in a constant state of anxiety has become something you’ve become accustomed to.
You don’t know any better, and the idea of being in a healthy relationship seems scary and intrusive—as if you don’t have any love to earn (unlike you used to).
Without having to earn love, is it really love?
The surprising answer is yes, of course it is.
But if you don’t have to work to receive it, it doesn’t seem like it at all.
Shame
Thinking about what others might think when they realize you’re stuck in an abusive relationship makes you fear their judgment.
This doesn’t mean that anyone is willing to judge you. If they truly cared about you, they would instead want to reach out to you and do everything they can to help you.
The shame you feel comes from assuming that people see you as weak. Why did you put up with it? How did you think it was okay? Are you stupid?
So you stay.
Disability Issues?
If your partner has a disability where they rely on you for help, that may be the reason you stay.
This happens a lot – they need you to help them move, or if it’s a mental health diagnosis they have that is separate from their undiagnosed narcissistic disorder, it’s likely.
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Whatever the disability, it may be the reason you stay, and that’s what makes it so hard to leave.
You’re tolerating the abuse in the midst of trying to be there for them on a scale that is not without challenges. It just adds to the stress on your current feelings.
Staying for the Kids
I see this all the time.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, and you stay for the sake of your children, I’ll tell you right now very clearly that you’re only going to make things worse.
Staying in the hope that your children will be happier in this situation is not going to be helpful or effective.
There aren’t many abusive relationships that could be worse, and even though your kids are young, they’re not stupid.
“It’s Love”
You think it is, and it probably feels a lot like love to you, but it’s basically an attachment. The narcissist will force you to create this when you met them through their intense love for you before they turn the magic into chaos.
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For you, you’re left with this gravitational pull towards them, imagining that there’s no one else in your life but them.
Does it feel like love when you write down how they treat you? Do you act this way when you’re in love?
This is not normal, and it needs to be recognized.
Cultural Reasons
In addition to the different colors and beliefs of this beautiful world, there are reasons surrounding a person’s culture that may keep them trapped in an abusive relationship.
Whether it’s a forced marriage, or the idea that religion or belief binds you to your abuser – this can keep you going.
Intimidation or pure fear
Threats of violence or punishment are very common among abusive people. You will hear:
If you leave, I will kill myself.
If you leave, I will find you.
Don’t even think about ending it.
Who wants to hear that?! No one.
This is a dangerous conversation, and it only means that you are in a really dangerous situation and need help with it.
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Yes, this adds a lot of weight to your need to leave. None of these toxic statements or similar ones should make you think, “Yes, I’m staying here.”
Abuse like this screams at you, and when it does, it’s time to seek support as safely and quickly as possible.
There are hard truths about why an abusive relationship is a place to stay. The cycle will continue, and even when you can’t take it anymore, it will.
Ask yourself, is this the life I wanted?
If it’s not, it’s time to make a decision. One decision is all it takes to change your life.
