The gray rock technique can be a great way to deal with a narcissist or other toxic person.
Much like the old childhood advice “just ignore them,” when someone is teasing you, using the gray rock method, you don’t respond.
Instead, you make yourself so boring that trying to elevate yourself isn’t fun. Or in the case of an adult, not effective.
Narcissists thrive on drama and attention, both positive and negative. The power and control they feel over another person gives them a narcissistic source. This may be entirely subconsciously driven.
The narcissistic disorder wants a reaction – the bigger the better. This makes it relevant.
They want you to…
- Yell
- Scream
- Cry
- Threaten to leave, but ultimately stay
- Lose sleep
- Defend yourself
- Explain
- Argue
- Apologize
- Beg
- Talk about them to your friends
- Wonder if something is wrong with you
When you are unable to disconnect, the gray stone method is often the next best method.
The gray rock method involves making yourself uninteresting and unresponsive, just like a gray rock. The goal is simple: make them lose interest in you as a target.
Here are the five steps of the Gray Rock Method:
1. Be emotionally neutral
Avoid showing any emotions. When a narcissist tries to hurt you, make you angry, or make you jealous, you don’t respond. It’s as if you don’t care at all.
You can do this by:
- Avoiding eye contact
- Minimizing facial expressions and body language
- Using bland language devoid of emotion.
2. Don’t pay them any attention
The narcissist thrives on drama and attention. You don’t offer any.
You can avoid giving attention by:
Do not engage in their attempts to gossip about others
Do not ask them questions about themselves
You act like you don’t notice their drastic attention-seeking behaviors
3. Make your answers factual and brief
You again pay minimal attention, and give it little importance.
You can respond when needed with:
One-word answers – “How was your weekend?” “good.”
Non-committal answers – “What do you think of Susan at the party?” “I didn’t notice her.”
Concise and realistic answers – “Where are you with the project?” “It will be done by five.”
Related: Breaking Up With An Abusive Narcissist Isn’t Easy — Even For America
4. Do not provide personal information
The narcissist loves access to personal information. It’s the easiest way to hurt you in the future, stir up drama, and triangulate.
You avoid sharing anything that could be used against you later:
“Are you still working on that novel?” “Meh. On and off.”
“Are you applying for a promotion?” “I’m not sure.”
“Where did you get the money to buy your new car?” no answer.
5. Make yourself bland and uninteresting
Beyond your language and response to the narcissist, you make your physical appearance unattractive.
Narcissists like to be around those who elevate their status. This is one way to make sure you don’t do that.
#The obvious danger of gray swing
If you are a major source of the narcissist’s supply, flattering him or her may escalate his behavior.
They consciously or unconsciously want power and control. They need narcissistic supplies. If you don’t give it freely, they will take it.
The narcissist will say or do more aggressive things to hurt you, make you jealous, or make you angry. They are determined to get the response they want and believe they deserve.
This can be a very dangerous place.
#The hidden danger of gray swing
The hidden danger of gray swing is more subtle, insidious, and damaging in the long run.
The Gray-Rock Method works great when you are asked to interact with a narcissist or other toxic person and you are not their primary source of supply.
For example, this is very effective when you have a narcissistic coworker. It can work well at family functions with a toxic relative. It is also very effective after divorce during co-parenting when communication is not an option.
When it is used long-term in a romantic or other close relationship, the results can be devastating.
You will lose all touch with who you are, what you believe is right, and how you show up in the world
You turn your back on yourself, allow yourself to be mistreated, and pride yourself on not fighting back
You replace your thoughts and feelings with the eggshells you walk on
You suppress your own needs for love and partnership
You make yourself so invisible to the narcissist that you become invisible to yourself
You withdraw from the world and other relationships
You are reinforcing your pattern of staying calm instead of taking a stand for yourself
You become more dependent on others, which causes its trauma
Lose yourself
Gray swing is meant to be fleeting, not a lifestyle.
It’s for casual interactions with a narcissistic co-worker, family vacations with a narcissistic relative, and while planning an exit.
It is not a substitute for leaving the relationship and ending the abuse.
