You know all of these tricks. You’ve probably used some of them at a critical moment. You’ve probably suspected that others do. When someone uses them in a mix-and-match way, you start to wonder if they’re just a total narcissist—or an arrogant person.

You stop listening to their ideas because all you hear is a twist from a know-it-all who says no to everything. If it’s a challenge to their authority, they have a ready-made reason to see it as a clear mistake, and it’s a general reason because you’d use any of these tricks in almost any situation to defend anyone.

They’re mercenary tricks. Multipurpose ways of saying, “No, I’m always right and you’re just an idiot.” That’s why they seem so automatic. It takes no thinking to use these tricks, and once you’ve adopted them, you’re ready for anything. You can close your heart and mind because they’re just getting in the way of automatically fending off all challenges.

So, here are the first 30. More to come in Part 2.

“In our discussion, you’re wrong.” Self-judgment. Pretending to be the judge who decides who wins an argument you’ve made.

“Don’t be defensive.” False neutrality. Pretending to state a fact when it’s just your opinion. Saying “You’re defensive,” instead of “I think you’re defensive.”

“Well, you don’t know for sure.” Uncertainty. Pretending to be the scientifically skeptical authority by casting doubt on any challenge to your opinion.

“Well! That’s not fair! I won fair and square. If this was a fair contest, I’d win too.” “Bad loser.” When you lose, pretend that a fair contest means an even result.

“You’re wrong, which proves I’m right.” Default reasoning. The assumption is that if you find even a slight flaw in your opponent’s arguments, you’re automatically right.

“You think so?! You don’t know anything, do you?” The temptation of infallibility. Turning a debate into a winner-takes-all contest to prove that you are right about everything and your opponent is wrong about everything.

“I have a right to speak!”. Liberation. Pretending that challenges to your authority are challenges to your right to say anything without resistance. Pretending that your obsession with your right to dominate proves that you are a free speech advocate.

“Ha! I see the truth bothers you.” Sarcasm. Pretending that an emotional response disqualifies anyone who challenges you. This trick is especially useful late in the debate. After your opponents have been frustrated by their utter intolerance, you can use this trick as a knockout punch.

“Don’t talk to me about fairness! I hate it when people do me wrong!”. Justification. Pretending that your obsession with fairness gives you the authority to be fair.

“I pity you, you’re so stupid. It’s sad.” Crocodile tears. Insult disguised as sympathy.

“Wow, I’m disappointed. I expected more from a professional like you. You should have responded respectfully to me after I called you an idiot.” Sarcasm. Pretending to be a high-standard advocate. Offering insults disguised as an endorsement of high standards. “Hey, be nice! Shame on you for putting people down.” Niceness. Narcissistically insulting someone by treating all of their challenges as personal insults. Including “Shame on you for putting people down!”
“Why can’t we just agree that you compromise with me?” Appeasement. Pretending that because you want compromise from others, you are a compromise advocate.

“You don’t respect others, so you’re wrong.” Killing the messenger. Dismissing challenges to your authority because they aren’t presented according to the exact standards you hold only to others, not to yourself.

“You used a personal argument, so you’re wrong.” Personal attack. Citing the most basic logical fallacies as a means of claiming authority. A personal argument or personal attack doesn’t prove the attacker right. Nor does it prove the attacker wrong. Ironically, you can automatically accuse the personal attacker of being wrong for using a personal attack.

“Hey, my intentions are pure. Don’t you count for everything?” Default virtue. Conducting a quick and careful investigation into your motives, declaring them pure, and acting as if your self-report is the final word.

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s when people are wrong.” Self-talk. Assuming that people owe you credit when you flatter yourself, for example, believing that people should believe you when you declare yourself an arbiter of truth.

“I don’t mean to be critical, but you’re an idiot.” False warning. A form of hypothetical virtue and rude behavior. Pretending that you’re not doing something because you say you’re not doing it.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Rude talk. Pretending that your stated intentions should automatically make others feel comfortable. None of us know everything we intend to do. And while we may not mean to do something, we’re often happy to do it as a side effect of something we intend to do. For example, “Yes, I cheated on a woman but I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you. Hurting you was just a side effect of trying to score points.”

“Me? How dare you compare me to them!” Exceptional. Pretending that it’s terrible for anyone to consider you a member of the same species as some human you don’t like.

“Me, you don’t listen? I’m the best listener!” Robot denial. Automatically refuting an accusation by claiming that you have the most virtue.

“Whatever. But answer me this.” Play the role of interrogator. Fill the air with challenges and questions. Dominate the conversation by drowning it out with your demands.
“Don’t even think about challenging me until you learn everything I have to say.” Education. Declaring challengers to be excluded unless they have studied everything that confirms your position.

“I am right because many people agree with me.” Amplification. Selectively pretending that public opinion determines the truth.

“I am right because I am like Jesus or Einstein and the masses are fools who simply don’t understand.” Self-citing. Pretending that because you have an extreme position, you must be right.

“I am honest so I am telling the truth!” Stripping the truth of its meaning. Confusing honesty with truth, forgetting the fact that many people sincerely believe lies.

“I’m right because someone ancient agreed with me.” Toga imitation. Pretending that ancient means true.

“I’m right because someone famous for something entirely different said so.” Exaggerated general imitation. Pretending that if someone is right about something, they have the final word on everything.

“I’m right because the truth was revealed to me or someone else from a supernatural source.” Revelation. Pretending that you have special access to the final word in truth that is directly addressed to you and that trumps the trial-and-error process of the scientific method.

“Me? How dare you say I have this trait?! I hate this trait.” Exempted from contempt. Pretending that hating a behavior when others do it to you proves that you don’t do it to others.