In families with one or more narcissists, the dynamics are inherently dysfunctional.

Children often grow up feeling confused, insecure, and afraid. They may not know who to trust, and they often blame themselves for problems occurring at home.

Often, narcissists use a scapegoat to project their anger. Family scapegoating allows them to shift all the blame onto something else.

Instead of taking personal responsibility for their actions, narcissists can continue to live the way they normally do without any real consequences. Let’s find out what you need to know.

What is Family Scapegoating for Kids?

Family scapegoating refers to a group dynamic where everyone blames one person for the dysfunctional family.

Instead of considering all the possible factors in a given situation, a family can quickly assume that one person caused the distress.

Sometimes, family scapegoating is fixed and permanent. This means that the scapegoat may remain in this role indefinitely.

A parent may choose any child to play this role, but common scapegoats in a family include:

• Children with chronic illnesses or disabilities
• Children who are emotionally sensitive
• Children who are born as a result of unplanned pregnancies
• Children who struggle in school or sports
• Children who naturally rebel against the family structure
• Children who are illegitimate, adopted, or foster children

Any of these traits can give a narcissistic mother or father leverage to sacrifice their child.

The narcissist may point to his or her own behavior and blame it for the family’s problems.

Scapegoating in a family can begin in early childhood. For example, a narcissistic parent may blame a newborn for keeping him or her up all night.

Or he or she may complain to a friend about the child’s difficulty. This pattern can continue for many years.

Sometimes, children who are sacrificed start out as golden children. They may get all the praise and affection—until they don’t get it.

It may only take one event for a narcissistic parent to turn their golden child into a scapegoat.

Some common culprits include:

• The child suddenly starts having difficulties at school.
• The child dates someone the parent doesn’t like.
• The child gets into trouble with the law.
• The child becomes “too successful” (which leads to the narcissist’s jealousy).
• The parent has another child who becomes the golden child.

Sometimes, the narcissist will rotate the child they consider a scapegoat based on their moods and daily events. This rotation often happens when multiple children live in the same household.

Rotation can make things especially confusing for children—they never know if they’re having a good day or a bad day.

In addition, they never know if what they’re getting away with today could get them into serious trouble tomorrow.

Rotation can also cause huge divisions between siblings. They become extremely competitive with each other for the narcissist’s approval.

Instead of bonding and connecting, they aim to tear each other apart. Getting the attention of narcissists becomes their top priority.

What Happens to a Scapegoat Child?

During childhood and adolescence, many scapegoat children may experience the following problems:

Poor self-esteem.
Increased anxiety symptoms.
Depression.
Reckless behavior (drug use, self-harm, unprotected sex, shoplifting).
Poor academic performance.
Problems with other authority figures such as teachers, neighbors, or police.
Aggression and bullying of others.
Eating disorders.
Limited or no motivation in hobbies or outside interests.

When parents are blamed, this behavior often reinforces itself. For example, a child might get poor grades in school.

The narcissistic parent explodes and tells them how stupid they are. The child internalizes that they are stupid and that it’s not even worth trying.

As a result, they continue to get poor grades and “prove” the narcissist’s claim that it’s true.

As they grow up, children who are blamed may struggle with the following:

Difficulty expressing their needs: From an early age, a child who is blamed learns to bottle things up inside. Anything they say can often be used against them.

As a result, many children who are blamed have difficulty expressing their needs and feelings with others.

At one extreme, they may come across as cold and insensitive. At the other extreme, they may be seen as overly dramatic or irrational.

Over-people pleasing: Many scapegoats grow up assuming that love is conditional.

Therefore, they spend a lot of time trying to please others. They assume that if they keep the peace, they will be loved.

Difficulty forming secure relationships: Many scapegoats struggle with emotional and physical intimacy.

They may find themselves drawn to narcissists or other abusers because they are familiar with them. If they do end up in a healthy relationship, they may subconsciously sabotage the dynamics.

Substance abuse and other addictive behaviors: Scapegoats often try to escape their pain in various ways.

They may turn to certain vices like drugs or alcohol to numb their feelings. Likewise, because they have often been told that they are “bad” or “useless,” they may assume that they are doomed to addictive behavior.

Problems getting off the ground in the real world: Scapegoats may struggle in many situations, including the workplace, school, and social interactions.

They may try to challenge authority or argue when they disagree with something. Or they may be so used to being seen as failures that they don’t even try to succeed.

Low Self-Esteem: More than anything else, almost all scapegoats suffer from a damaged sense of self. They may feel completely worthless or like they are a burden to others. This low self-esteem can serve as a springboard for poor decision-making and reckless behavior.

Can a Scapegoat Become a Narcissist?

It is certain that a family scapegoat can become a narcissist as they age. Many family scapegoats experience intense anger over their position in the family.

Related : 11 Crazy Narcissist Lies They use to Control You

They realize that their role is unfair, but they are powerless to confront this dynamic when they are young.

However, abuse is passed down from generation to generation. Many parents who abuse their children were abused when they were young. Additionally, children who are abused are at greater risk of harming their own children.

While one might think that someone would never want to repeat the abuse, this pattern is more insidious.

Sometimes, a child grows up idolizing the narcissistic parent (even if they cannot stand them), and naturally begins to orient their thinking in a way that matches their thinking.

Family scapegoats often have a strong desire to feel powerful and in control of their lives.

After all, they’ve spent so much time belittling them. On a subconscious level, they understand that narcissists are gaining attention and validation. They may believe that these narcissistic tactics are the only ones that work.

What Happens When a Scapegoat Leaves a Narcissistic Family?

What happens when a scapegoat resists? Most often, tensions build after a scapegoat leaves a family. With no one to blame automatically, narcissists rush to find an outlet.

Often, narcissists quickly find something or someone else to blame. If there’s a golden child, they may start there. Suddenly, the golden child may take on the role of scapegoat.

But narcissists usually continue to blame, complain, and insult the scapegoat. They often talk about the scapegoat constantly, even if they’ve been out of the home for years. Any current problem can be traced back to the scapegoat.

For example, if they lose their job, they may blame it on their scapegoat child helping them with their homework, which has led to decreased productivity.

They will resort to the scapegoat to cause a lot of stress if they have marital problems.

Even getting a flat tire may prompt the narcissist to blame the scapegoat for not taking the car to the mechanic five years ago.

Keep in mind that this blame is not rational. To the outsider, it often seems illogical, which is because it can be.

Narcissism is not based on logic. It is based on the narcissist’s logic, which is distorted by their worldview and ego.

Their narcissism allows them to rationalize and justify their decisions, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

What Happens When a Scapegoat Child Doesn’t Connect with the Family?

At first, the reaction may seem contradictory. Often, the child feels like the parent doesn’t want to deal with them at all.

But once the connection is broken, the parent suddenly becomes very interested in their whereabouts. Often, the parent begins to search excessively to re-enter their life.

This search often involves a form of manipulation. The narcissist may deny hurting their child.

They may insist on how much they love and care for them. Sometimes, they may beg for forgiveness and make lofty promises to change.

The scapegoat gives the narcissist a sense of control and power. Because they can focus all their attention on their child’s problems, they never have to look inward.

They never have to think about the role they play in the dysfunctional dynamic. For the true narcissist, this deflection is crucial. They can continue to act in their usual ways.

How Other Family Members React

Without the scapegoat, things may seem “too quiet.” At this point, the narcissist will often mercilessly discredit the scapegoat child. They will go to great lengths to fabricate the story to make them seem like the victim.

Family members often understand that the narcissist is “wrong,” but they rarely want to confront the behavior directly.

After all, they don’t want to step on the path of destruction. Most of the time, they’d rather keep their peace and stay quiet.

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The golden child may start acting out once the scapegoat cuts off contact.

They may resent that their sibling has been “freed” from the cycle of abuse. Golden children are under tremendous pressure to remain perfect—and the absence of the scapegoat only reinforces that pressure.

Finally, it’s not uncommon for parents to separate and divorce once the scapegoat leaves the home.

Without the chaos common in “dealing with a scapegoat,” a narcissist’s partner may decide that enough is enough.

In other words, a scapegoat who doesn’t communicate with others tends to wreak havoc. The family has become so accustomed to scapegoating one person that they now feel completely unprepared.

How to Survive Being a Scapegoat?

It can take a long time to realize that you were a scapegoat as a child. This is normal. Narcissists are experts at manipulating people into believing who they are.

Scapegoat sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers and fathers must learn how to re-parent themselves.

At first, this may seem difficult. It’s painful to realize that you haven’t received all of a child’s basic emotional support needs.

Re-parenting yourself means acknowledging and honoring your value to the best of your ability.

You are not a bad person. Even if you’ve made bad decisions in the past, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love and forgiveness. It also doesn’t mean you can’t change.

Many scapegoats benefit from seeking professional support.

Therapy can help you understand your family dynamics and improve your self-esteem. It also provides a safe place where you can explore your feelings without judgment or recourse to the law.

If you have mental health or addiction issues, it’s important to develop coping skills to manage these issues.

In addition to therapy, it’s important to recognize your self-sabotaging patterns.

Are you still internalizing the narcissist’s criticisms of you? Are you continuing to live in a way that challenges and rebels against them?

Finally, boundaries are essential. You deserve to have your integrity respected.

If you continue to allow the narcissist to define you, you will continue to be the scapegoat.

At the same time, you will continue to feel resentful and frustrated. This is a miserable cycle, but you have the power to make the first change.

SurvivingScapegoatAbuse and Moving Forward in ScapegoatRecovery

There is no doubt that recovering from narcissistic abuse can be heartbreaking and complicated. It is difficult to truly recognize the dangers of your childhood. It is also difficult to determine how you want to move forward.

No matter how you were raised, things can get better. You can take ownership of what happens next.

Remember that you are an adult now, and this is your life. You can choose the people you want to be around. You can accept boundaries and respect your personal autonomy. If your parent was a narcissist, that freedom is priceless.